The journey of college applications is often described using metaphors of overwhelming machinery – helicopters, bulldozers, snowplows, even drones – all to depict the intense involvement, sometimes perceived as aggressive, of today’s parents. Having spent years as a school counselor, I’ve observed a spectrum of parenting styles, some fostering growth, others less so. However, these labels, while vivid, often miss the mark. At their core, parents are driven by love for their children, a love that fuels both hopes and anxieties, and ultimately shapes their actions.
My role often blurs the lines between college and family counseling. I assist students and parents in navigating the turbulent waters of college applications, managing expectations, and understanding the complex relationships that become charged during this pivotal life stage. It’s easy to analyze parenting approaches with detachment when you’re not emotionally invested. But now, as a parent awaiting my own high school senior’s college decision, the experience is deeply personal and nuanced.
William De Britaine’s 17th-century wisdom, “he who will be his own Counsellour, shall be sure to have a Fool for his Client,” resonates strongly here. Stepping back from my personal anxieties as a father, I sought guidance from experts who have dedicated their careers to understanding and supporting families through the college process.
Psychotherapist Lynn Lyons, co-author of Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous & Independent Children, and co-host of the Flusterclux podcast, offers crucial perspective as early college decisions are released. “We need to be keenly aware of the dangerous message that there is one path to success, that these decisions—made by an institution that doesn’t even know your child—define a teen’s future.” Lyons emphasizes the detrimental effects of a rigid, all-or-nothing mindset, stating it “absolutely fuels anxiety and depression in teens.” She urges parents to respond with perspective and flexibility, asking, “How will you let your teen know that you understand the disappointment, but how will you also model for them the ability to tolerate big emotions, recover (over time) from disappointment and rejection, and make adjustments as they grow?” These, she stresses, are essential life skills parents must teach.
Jessica Lahey, author of the New York Times bestseller, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, and The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence, is also navigating this process as a parent of a high school senior. Her experience with her older son, who initially faced rejection from his top choice but thrived at his second-choice college, offers valuable insight. “It’s turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to him. He was dead set on his early decision school…and when he was rejected, he was devastated.” However, Lahey explains, focusing on other options revealed that his second choice was a better fit, providing needed “distance from the rosy light he’d been viewing that first choice through.” With her younger son, Lahey emphasizes preparation for any outcome: “We have been preparing for either eventuality by discussing alternative options—gap year, working year, attending his backup for a year and transferring—all are great, interesting options that will give him experience in self-advocacy.” Regardless of the immediate outcome, Lahey’s message is reassuring: “it will all turn out fine, kiddo.”
Rick Clark, director of undergraduate admission at Georgia Tech, advocates for a shift from “parent to partner” during the college application process. He urges parents to redirect their focus “off the names of colleges, their own personal hopes, and the recent build-up of emotion or anticipation, and instead consider the time, effort, and shared experiences that have led to this point.” This shift in perspective, Clark believes, prepares families to “genuinely celebrate, empathize, or simply love and support,” regardless of the admission decision.
Denise Pope, co-founder of Challenge Success, a Stanford Graduate School of Education affiliated organization, offers practical strategies for parental support:
- “We recommend that teens open emails from colleges in private rather than finding out in class in the middle of the school day or having a parent live stream it on social media. If the news is not good, your teen may need some support and time to grieve, and they will likely be watching your reaction as well. As a parent, consider going to a separate room from your teen after hearing the news, so you can celebrate or grieve alone and have a few moments to regulate your emotions.”
- “Remind teens that where they go matters less than what they do when they get there. We do not say this lightly. Research supports that engagement in college is more important than where a student goes. While picking a college can feel like a monumental decision, we encourage teens (and parents) to realize that this one choice is not going to make or break their chances for future success.” Pope’s insights are reinforced by Challenge Success’s white paper, A ‘Fit’ Over Rankings: Why College Engagement Matters More Than Rankings, emphasizing the importance of finding the right college fit over prestige.
Richard Weissbourd, faculty director of Making Caring Common at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, and lead author of the Turning the Tide report, which aims to reduce achievement pressure in college admissions, emphasizes parental self-reflection. “I think many parents really need to wade into the muck of themselves if they’re going to have honest and helpful conversations with their kids every step of the way in the college admissions process.” Weissbourd challenges parents to examine their motivations, asking, “Parents need to ask themselves how much of their own hopes and needs are getting confused with what is best for their child—their own status concerns, their competitive feelings with other parents, their belief that the college their child attends is a clear and public reflection of their success as parents, their hopes that their child will live out their particular dreams or compensate for their shortcomings.”
Jenifer Lippincott, author of 7 Things Your Teenager Won’t Tell You: And How to Talk About Them Anyway, highlights the long-term nature of the college conversation. “For more years than we care to count…our conversations with our kids have pointed in the direction of college. Whether about extracurriculars, summers, grades, class choices, family history, personal experiences—these conversations often veer toward preparation for, or in anticipation of, college.” As decisions arrive, Lippincott offers crucial perspectives:
- “No matter the degree of sweat, toil, and angst we have poured into the college application process, we are not the ones embarking on this journey…All the steering, cajoling, and directioning helped get them to this point. But only they will walk the halls and write the papers. Just as they needed to balance when learning to ride a bike, if we don’t let go, they will not learn how to right themselves on their own.”
- “Although possible that the choice they make may not ultimately be the best one (especially in our view), it will stand as one of their most monumental to date. Ask any successful leader whether they learned more from their successful decisions or their faulty ones. Invariably, they will cite the stumbles. Why? Because they provided an opportunity to learn and move on. Isn’t that life skill one of the most important?”
- Referencing Malcolm Gladwell, Lippincott reminds us of the bigger picture: “When I look at a resume, I require them to black out the names of the schools they went to. I don’t want to know. I don’t care. I’m interested in you. I’m interested in what you think and do and what books you read.’”
Beyond Overbearing: Embracing the Sidecar Approach
Perhaps it’s time to redefine our parenting paradigm. Instead of labels like “helicopter parent,” a more fitting metaphor might be the sidecar. We shouldn’t be plowing, tugging, dozing, or hovering, but rather riding alongside our children, offering guidance and support without taking control of the steering. We can point out potential obstacles and share our wisdom, but ultimately, the direction is theirs to choose. Whether the road is smooth or bumpy, we share the journey, offering unwavering support and love from a position of healthy separation. As I put on my own “father helmet,” I trust that my son, like all children, will navigate his path to success, regardless of college admission outcomes. Opportunities will emerge as long as he keeps his focus forward, a lesson we, as parents, have strived to impart. Whatever the news, our family will celebrate or process together, and continue moving forward, side-by-side.
