Many parents feel pressured to forge a strong bond with their children. The ideas surrounding this bond are often presented through specific lenses, making it seem like you’re either succeeding or failing as a parent. You might believe that to have a good bond, you must:
- Breastfeed exclusively
- Co-sleep
- Never let your child cry
- Avoid plastic toys
- Read to your child before bed
- Always be present and comforting when your child is upset
- Sacrifice your own needs and desires for your child’s
- Completely change your identity to become a parent
These expectations, often amplified on social media and in mainstream media, create a false dichotomy: good parents do these things, bad parents don’t. But what happens if you don’t fit into these categories? This prescriptive approach can fuel anxiety and misunderstandings about fostering a healthy parent-child bond, because it emphasizes “shoulds” and “should nots.” But whose list is this, and is it universally applicable?
Parenting Styles Around the World
Parenting styles vary widely across cultures. Verywell Family highlights some examples:
- In Denmark, babies nap outside in strollers while parents shop or dine.
- Finnish children have frequent breaks from school, prioritizing rest and play.
- Sweden banned spanking in 1979, and subsequent generations have been raised without corporal punishment.
- Bulgarian mothers receive 410 days of maternity leave.
These examples demonstrate how cultural and systemic support impacts parenting and child development. The Netflix series “Old Enough” showcases Japanese toddlers running errands independently, supported by a culture that values autonomy. This is possible through discipline, system support, and community involvement.
The key takeaway is that there’s no single “right” way to parent. What works depends on cultural context, community support, and individual family dynamics.
What is Attachment Parenting?
Attachment parenting, popularized by Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha Sears, focuses on fostering a strong bond through specific practices. However, it’s crucial to understand that attachment parenting is not the same as attachment theory.
Attachment Parenting: Good Intentions, Questionable Impact
While attachment parenting stems from good intentions, its prescriptive nature may not align with the scientific basis of attachment theory. It’s like comparing CrossFit to exercise science – similar in concept, but different in practice. Attachment parenting uses the term “attachment” to attract attention, but it’s not equivalent to the theoretical study of attachment.
Attachment parenting can feel predatory, offering new parents a prescription that may not be universally applicable. Parents who Google “attachment” may encounter information that is not suitable for everyone, leading to anxiety and a sense of inadequacy.
One Size Does Not Fit All
Attachment parenting, like CrossFit, isn’t for everyone. It’s a methodology with a strict set of rules and processes. Parents who try to follow these rules may feel like they’re failing if they don’t achieve the desired outcomes. For example, a parent might ask, “I bed-shared, breastfed, and limited screen time. Why are my kids still upset and fighting?”
The reason may be that the parent needs a different fundamental understanding and skill set. By shifting their perspective and acquiring new skills, they can work with their partner to create a more harmonious family environment. Attachment parenting is a methodology, while attachment theory is a scientific framework within developmental psychology.
Gentle Parenting: A Branch of Attachment Parenting?
Gentle parenting, a term popularized on TikTok and closely aligned with attachment parenting, is often misunderstood. It is important to note that gentle parenting is not the same as authoritative parenting.
Gentle Parenting and Permissive Parenting
Gentle parenting often leans toward permissive parenting, which can lead to challenges. Sarah Ockwell-Smith, an attachment parenting writer, coined the term “gentle parenting” and wrote “The Gentle Parenting Book,” similar to attachment parenting guides. It’s a branded approach with specific philosophies and methodologies.
Attachment Parenting: The Seven Baby Bs
Dr. Sears’s attachment parenting methodology revolves around the “seven baby Bs”:
- Birth Bonding: Skin-to-skin contact and keeping the baby close immediately after birth.
- Breastfeeding: Providing nourishment and comfort through breastfeeding.
- Babywearing: Carrying the baby in a sling or carrier.
- Bedding Close to Baby: Co-sleeping or keeping the baby in close proximity at night.
- Belief in Baby’s Cries: Responding promptly to the baby’s cries and needs.
- Beware of Baby Trainers: Avoiding sleep training methods that go against attachment principles.
- Balance: Striving for balance in life while prioritizing the baby’s needs.
The prescriptive nature of these suggestions can lead to feelings of inadequacy and doubt. What if a child spends time in the NICU, missing the birth bonding period? Will this harm the parent-child bond? The answer is no.
Embracing the Grey Area
Parenting is not black and white. Just because your baby is away from you doesn’t mean you’ve ruined the bond. However, attachment parenting can create anxiety and doubt. For example:
- What if you choose not to breastfeed?
- What if you’re unable to breastfeed?
Does this put your bond with your child at risk? Again, the answer is no. While it may look different, choosing not to subscribe to attachment parenting and the seven baby Bs can alleviate doubt, fear, and anxiety. It can lead to feelings like, “Oh, if I didn’t do this right, then everything’s wrong,” or “Oh, if my baby’s crying, it’s because I didn’t have an extended birthing bond period.”
This can lead to a sense of inadequacy and failure, adding pressure to an already stressful situation.
Attachment in Marketing: A Critical Look
A website criticizing gentle parenting stated:
“Gentle parenting and attachment parenting are terms often used synonymously. In short, both are all about following instincts and responding sensitively and intentionally to meet your child’s needs… Attachment and gentle parents recognize encouragement, nurturing communication, and natural, logical consequences as effective parenting tools… Attachment and gentle parents often, but not always, breastfeed into toddlerhood, co-slept or bed-shared, and steer clear of sleep training. They talk about and validate big feelings with their children and avoid corporal punishment and timeouts. In other words, gentle parenting is the antithesis of old-school parenting.”
While this has good intentions, it highlights the importance of impact over intention. These approaches use keywords that resonate with many parents, and while some techniques may align with positive parenting, the underlying beliefs are often different.
Positive parenting, is about having a positive impact on the development of your child and the development of your relationship with your child. Though some things might sound similar, when we get down to the belief, it’s totally different.
The Nuance Between Attachment Parenting and Theory
Attachment parenting is prescriptive.
Attachment parenting focuses on the parent’s perspective. It asks, “Does the child have a sense of safety to land?” and assumes the child is asking, “Is the parent a safe space to land?” The underlying belief is, “Is the child safe to come to us? Can we fill all the child’s needs? Can we make sure they’re not crying or upset?”
This is not always in alignment with positive parenting. In positive parenting, “no,” disappointment, frustration, and resentment have a seat at the table. We learn from these emotions instead of denying or avoiding them.
In attachment parenting, the parent’s role is to remove all frustrations and keep the child happy by filling their needs. The belief is that if the parent does this, anger, frustration, fighting, hitting, roughhousing, and yelling will not happen. This creates a very prescriptive approach: A + B = C (Parent + Seven Baby Bs = Happy Child). This is a product-based belief – if I do this, then I’ll get that. It’s linear and a “one size fits all” mentality.
Three Myths in Parenting
Positive parenting debunks three common myths:
- Parenting is all about your instincts: This is false, especially for individuals with trauma backgrounds. Instincts may lead to protection and defense.
- If it’s hard, you’re doing it wrong: Hard doesn’t mean wrong; it means unpracticed. Some aspects of parenting will always be challenging. The invitation is to practice more, not to assume you’re inadequate.
- It’s not working: This leads to binary thinking (good kids/bad kids, good parent/bad parent).
My Bold Claim: Attachment Parenting is Fear-Based Parenting
Attachment parenting can be grounded in perfectionism and individualism, aligning with pillars of white supremacy. It can promote the idea that you must figure it out on your own and focus solely on what’s best for your child, ignoring community support. It can also prioritize quantity over quality (e.g., ten minutes of quality time per child) and fear of conflict (believing it’s your job to make your child happy).
This approach creates a power imbalance, where the parent’s role is to fill the child’s needs and avoid upsetting them. It places immense pressure on parents to do everything right, fearing they will “mess up” their child.
Attachment Theory is About Empowering
Attachment theory, grounded in trauma-informed caregiving, shifts the perspective to the child’s point of view. Instead of asking, “What is the parent doing for the child?” it asks, “What are the parent and child experiencing together?”
When we consider attachment theory, trust comes into play. Trust is the outcome of being present, attuning, and resonating. When we think about the quality of trust, we can view it as a spectrum: trust and not trust.
Impact over Intentions
Attachment theory is supported by psychologists and researchers like John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and Dan Siegel. Their studies examine the science behind the parent-child bond, not just a set of prescriptions. Experiments like Harlow’s Wire Mother, the Strange Situation, and the Still Face Experiment demonstrate the importance of closeness, warmth, nurturing, and emotional connection.
Attachment theory asks: Does the child have a sense of safety to land and launch again, like a trampoline rather than a pillow? Is the child safe to bring stress to the adult and have a space to hold, care for, and nurture so they can go back out and try again? From the child’s perspective, they’re asking: Is the parent a safe base to land and launch from?
This illustrates the difference between attachment parenting, which is solely focused on landing and parent-centered, and attachment theory, which focuses on the child’s ability to land and launch, preparing them to bring stress to the caregiver and venture out again, knowing that mistakes are opportunities to learn and that ruptures and repairs are part of the process.
When we’re considering attachment theory, trust comes into play. Trust is the outcome of being present, attuning, and resonating.
Attachment Theory 101
Considering attachment theory and the methods of child-rearing that foster bonds, we can acknowledge that if we have a sense of trusting ourselves—confidence, a solid sense of self, knowledge of our values, and trust in our judgment—and if we trust others—meaning we can ask for help—it leads to secure attachment.
Recently, I asked on my social media accounts whether people tend to seek parenting advice from trusted sources or from Google. The majority admitted to turning to Google first, which surprised me. It made me ponder why there isn’t a stronger trust in others and why people opt for Google over seeking guidance from trusted sources.
In the context of attachment theory, having a strong self-trust but not trusting others might trend toward a not secure attachment, possibly leaning toward avoidance. Conversely, if there’s a lack of self-trust but trust in others, it might lean toward a not secure attachment, potentially trending toward anxiousness. Lastly, if there’s inconsistency in both self-trust and trust in others, it may result in a non-secure, disorganized attachment style where trust fluctuates unpredictably.
Quality of Attachment
When considering the quality of attachment in a parent-child relationship, we examine four key aspects. Firstly, we assess whether there’s a sense of safety. Secondly, we evaluate whether the child feels seen and understood, gauging our communication methods to ensure the child feels acknowledged. Thirdly, we inquire if both parties feel soothed during times of stress. Lastly, we reflect on the consistency and security within the relationship.
Through these qualities, we can view our interactions through two lenses: trust and distrust. Are our actions deepening trust between us and our child, or are they fostering distrust? Distrust can generate stress for both parties. It’s crucial to understand that it’s not specific parental actions that cultivate this bond. It’s not about doing things perfectly but rather about being attuned to our relationship and making repairs when needed.
Attachment isn’t a static product; it’s an ongoing process.
- Are we attuned to this process?
- Are we actively seeking ways to feel secure within it?
- Are we engaging with supportive communities that aid us in this journey?
Weathering the Storm
How can I start to show up to build that foundation so that no matter what storms come, what emotional storms come, what big transitions happen, we can now start to root into our strong foundation in attachment? Becoming curious about how we’re showing up and becoming curious about our own relationship models and how we’re showing up for our children is a key indicator of building this secure foundation together.
When we’re talking about attachment, attachment is defined as a relationship that gives you an inner sense of security, and that inner sense of security comes from regulation. Regulation is managing the incoming stimulation with energy release.
What is Attachment Theory?
The three studies that help us understand what attachment theory is grounded in are:
- Harry Harlow’s Wire Mother Experiment: This experiment showed that monkeys would choose comfort over sustenance. When stressed, they chose the soft, comforting “mother” over the wire monkey that provided food.
- Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation: This experiment observed how infants responded to reconnection after moments of distress. It focused on the child’s reactions and how the caregiver’s behavior impacted their sense of security.
- Ed Tronick’s Still-Face Experiment: This experiment explored how mothers (and fathers) and their infants attune to each other. It showed the importance of the caregiver’s responsiveness for building a secure attachment.
These three powerful experiments illustrate the core of attachment theory: Does the child feel safe and secure? In times of stress, are you a caregiver who invites the child to bring their difficulties to you?
From the child’s perspective, they’re asking: “Is my parent a safe base for me to rely on and explore from? Do I feel safe expressing myself to them?”
Attachment theory focuses on building trust. Can the child trust you to respond consistently? Can they trust themselves and others? Trust is the outcome of a secure relationship where needs are met consistently.
The child needs to be able to identify and communicate their needs and trust that the caregiver will hear, understand, and fulfill them. The four qualities for building trust are safety, feeling seen, being soothed, and security.
Attachment theory is about finding the balance between the child expressing their needs, the parent observing and interpreting those needs, and then taking action to address them, especially during moments of distress when the child is overwhelmed.
The focus is on how attuned the caregiver is to understand the child’s cues, both physical and emotional.
The Four Qualities of Attachment Theory
Secure attachment hinges on four key qualities: secure, safe, soothing, and seeing. These qualities represent the foundation of a strong, trusting relationship between parent and child.
1. Secure Parenting
A child’s sense of security relies heavily on predictability. Think of it like a trampoline: can the child confidently “land and launch” from this caregiver, knowing they’ll be caught?
The caregiver becomes a safe base for the child to explore and return to. This security hinges on predictability – does the caregiver show up consistently in their responses?
Why is this crucial? When a child feels safe taking risks, they’re more likely to explore, learn, and grow. Jumping on a trampoline represents taking a risk. If the child doesn’t know if the caregiver will be there to catch them, they become hesitant. Imagine the fear of jumping with no guarantee of a safety net!
Traits of a Secure Parent:
Kind and Firm Boundaries
Kind and firm boundaries are a pillar of security. Children can push against these boundaries without fear of them moving or causing harm. Parents who consistently and appropriately communicate their boundaries help build this sense of security in their children. Building kind and firm boundaries provides security and helps children regulate themselves and feel safe.
Consistent Follow Through
Consistent follow-through involves the parent holding space for the child’s lived experience. When a parent relies on consistent follow-through, they avoid looking for retribution or punishment. The caregiver’s role is to reflect on their own actions and ensure they are providing a secure environment, leading to true accountability.
Predictable Responses to Stress
Having a caregiver who helps a child navigate through their stresses provides a sense of security. Showing up to help children navigate these waves builds their window of tolerance. Family meetings, problem-solving strategies, routines, and agreements support structure and stability during stressful times.
Emotional Validating
Communicating to others that you see, hear, and understand them through both verbal and non-verbal communication. Emotional validation involves recognizing and understanding the other person’s perspective.
Deep Understanding and Empathy
A secure parent deeply understands and empathizes with their child, exploring emotional intelligence and maturity. Empathy involves perspective-taking, staying out of judgment, and recognizing and communicating the emotions and experiences of others.
Invites Children into Decision Making
Invite children into decision-making instead of making decisions for them. Choices are powerful, and making decisions helps children learn to select from those choices. By involving children in this process, they build a strong sense of character and personal accountability.
Traits of an Insecure Parent:
Moving Boundaries
Insecure parents often struggle with boundaries, either by being too flexible or overly rigid.
Inconsistent Follow Through
Not knowing how to respond when kids make mistakes and showing a preference for punishment.
Unpredictable Responses to Stress
Unpredictable responses to stress can indicate insecurity.
Emotionally Invalidating
An insecure parent may emotionally invalidate their child by rejecting, ignoring, or judging their emotional experiences.
Lack of Understanding and Empathy
An insecure parent often lacks understanding and empathy.
Makes Decisions for Children
An insecure parent often makes decisions for their children, which can foster entitlement instead of empowerment.
2. Safe Parenting
To be safe means to be free from risk or harm. Think of it like a trampoline: does the child feel secure landing and launching from you? From the parent’s point of view, this means being a predictable and consistent caregiver, ensuring the child can take risks knowing they have a safety net.
Children need to know their caregivers are reliable. Predictable means they can trust you’ll always be there to catch them. Consistent means you’ll respond similarly in different situations, helping them feel secure. If you create fear or threat, your child may hesitate to take risks. Aim to build a solid foundation where they can rely on you, even during tough times. This way, they feel safe to explore and come back to you for support.
For everyone, the answer to the question “What makes you feel safe?” will be different. Some might feel safe with a predictable routine, while others need a consistent caregiver who responds reliably to their needs. Some children feel safe when they know they can come back to a calm and understanding parent after taking risks. Understanding and honoring these unique needs helps create a sense of safety tailored to each individual.
According to polyvagal theory, we are always moving between states of safety and threat. When we’re calm, responsive, and playful, we’re in a state of safety. But when we’re stressed, we might react with fight, flight, freeze, or shut down. As parents and caregivers, it’s crucial to be a source of calm and support, helping to soothe and regulate our children, rather than escalating the stress.
Ask yourself: Are you being a support or a stressor? Are your actions helping to create calm and safety, or are they making the situation worse? By focusing on creating physical and emotional safety, you help your child feel secure and able to engage positively.
Traits of a Safe Parent
Physical
To create physical safety for your child, you need to meet their basic needs: shelter, sleep, air, protection, clothing, water, food, and play. To establish physical safety, consider what connections, boundaries, and agreements are necessary to ensure both you and your child feel safe and calm.
Emotional
Emotional safety means your child feels close to you and can share their struggles and vulnerable moments without fear. To foster safety, start with yourself. Ensure you’re not seeing your child’s choices as threats. Support their developing sense of self to become a safe parent for them.
Social
Build social safety or think about social safety to cultivate a sense of belonging and community. Having a socially safe caregiver models these behaviors, identifying and sharing values. When rooted in our values, we gain confidence to stand up, make informed decisions, and stand by our choices confidently.
Traits of an Unsafe Parent
Physical
An unsafe parent resorts to threats and bribes to control their child’s behavior, triggering fear and compliance. They may use basic needs such as sleep or privileges as leverage, which escalates defiance and hinders a child’s sense of security.
Emotional
An unsafe parent is emotionally volatile, resorting to physical actions like spanking or pinching, which escalate defenses and invalidate their child’s emotions.
Social
An unsafe parent might impose judgments and labels on their child’s preferences and abilities, unintentionally boxing them into roles. These actions hinder the child’s sense of belonging and community within their own family dynamic.
3. Soothing Parenting
To be a soothing parent means being a calming presence during times of distress, responding to a child’s distress with methods that reduce stress rather than escalate it. A soothing parent aims to restore harmony and resolution, fostering an environment where both parent and child can regulate emotions effectively.
Being a soothing parent involves skillfully interpreting and fulfilling your child’s needs to nurture a secure and trusting relationship.
Traits of a Soothing Parent
To be a soothing parent means addressing your child’s needs and moments of distress effectively, understanding and catering to all eight senses for comprehensive soothing. Also, providing comfort and reassurance during challenging times, and importantly, fostering confidence by empowering your child to navigate difficulties and grow from them.
Sensory
Sensory awareness in parenting involves understanding and responding to your child’s sensory needs across various aspects of daily life. By attuning to these sensory aspects, parents can foster environments that nurture their child’s comfort, engagement, and overall well-being effectively.
Comfort
Being a soothing parent involves several elements, including comfort, compassion, empathy, and validation.
Confidence
A soothing parent also involves instilling confidence in your child, providing verbal or physical support when a child faces stress or uncertainty.
Traits of a Unsoothing Parent
Judgment
Judgment in parenting involves forming opinions based on thoughts, feelings, and evidence, often influenced by our own beliefs and interpretations.
Criticism
Criticism often leads to discomfort and disconnection in relationships, acting as an ego defense mechanism.
Invalidation
Invalidation involves denying, rejecting, or dismissing someone’s feelings, often with the best of intentions.
4. Seeing Parenting
Being a seeing parent means being present both physically and emotionally, counteracting the impact of loneliness that many children feel. This involves being aware of your child’s inner experiences and responding to them in meaningful ways. It’s about being there to see and understand their emotions, ensuring they feel supported and connected.
By being present and emotionally available, you can provide the support and comfort your child needs, fostering a secure and intimate relationship.
Traits of a Seeing Parent
Now, apply this concept to your relationship with your child. Being a seeing parent means showing up in ways that build trust and security. When a child has a need—whether it’s for shelter, sleep, food, or comfort—they communicate it through their behavior. As a parent, it’s crucial to observe, interpret, and respond accurately to these needs.
Being present physically and emotionally means recognizing and validating your child’s experiences.
Physically
Being present in a physical sense means spending face-to-face time with your child, showing up and investing quality time. It also means showing up for their events and knowing their preferences.
Emotionally
Being an emotional parent means cultivating the qualities of empathy, validation, and sensitivity in your relationship with your child.
Traits of a Unseeing Parent
Physically
An unseeing parent is someone who, often unintentionally, becomes disconnected from their child’s emotional needs due to being distracted, overextended, or uninvolved.
Emotionally
An unseeing parent often becomes emotionally absent by defaulting to defensiveness, invalidation, and avoidance.
When You Might Think You’re Doing Things Differently from Your Parents…
Bridget’s story perfectly captures the challenge many parents face when trying to break cycles from their own upbringing. Bridget is a devoted mom, but she was struggling with power struggles with her teenage daughter.
Digging Deeper:
As they worked together, they uncovered a deeper layer of Bridget’s story. Growing up, Bridget played soccer and repeatedly asked her mom to come to her games. But her mom was rarely there. Bridget felt alone, believing that her mom’s absence was about her, that maybe she wasn’t important enough.
Determined to do things differently, Bridget vowed that her daughter would never feel that way. She would be there for everything—no exceptions. But what Bridget didn’t realize was that while she changed the details, she was unknowingly following the same emotional blueprint as her mother.
The Same System, Different Details:
Bridget’s daughter wasn’t asking her to come to more soccer games—she was asking for something else. She was asking for space, for balance, and for her mom to listen to her needs. But just like Bridget’s mother had dismissed her requests, Bridget was dismissing her daughter’s, even though it was for the opposite reason. Where her mom had said, “I can’t,” Bridget was saying, “I must.” Yet, the result was the same: her daughter felt unsafe, unseen, unsuited, and insecure.
Breaking the Cycle:
Once Bridget recognized this pattern, she began to understand that her daughter wasn’t being ungrateful or disrespectful—she was self-advocating. Bridget realized that her daughter was trying to communicate her needs, but she had been too caught up in her own story to really listen.
With this new awareness, Bridget started to shift her approach. Instead of just showing up at every event, she began to ask her daughter what she really needed. They worked together to find a balance that allowed her daughter to feel both supported and independent.
The Tools of Change:
Bridget learned to use tools like validation, empowerment, and repair. By validating her daughter’s feelings, empowering her to make decisions, and repairing any emotional rifts, Bridget was able to rebuild their relationship in a way that made her daughter feel truly seen, heard, and valued.
The Bigger Picture:
When we try to change only the surface-level behaviors, we might exhaust ourselves doing things differently, yet achieve the same outcomes. It’s only when we change the system—the underlying beliefs, thoughts, and emotional responses—that we can truly break free from these cycles. As you reflect on this series, consider how you can use these insights to create a more connected and supportive relationship with your children.
This is the foundation of the work I do: helping parents become secure caregivers so that their children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Bridget’s story is a powerful reminder that parenting isn’t just about doing things differently; it’s about understanding the deeper needs of your children and being willing to do the internal work to meet those needs.
