So, you want to dive headfirst into the exhilarating, often bewildering, world of entrepreneurship? Buckle up, buttercup, because it’s going to be a wild ride. To truly thrive (or at least survive) in this ecosystem, you need to speak the language, and that’s precisely where this “crap guide to being a” entrepreneur comes in.
Consider me your grizzled veteran, battle-scarred from ventures ranging from DIY Vaseline (don’t ask) to a student-loan-funded gym (a cautionary tale). I’ve not only been there and done that, but I’ve also amassed an impressive vocabulary of buzzwords.
This guide will arm you with the essential lingo, significantly boosting your chances of… well, statistically significant failure. But don’t fret! In the upside-down world of entrepreneurship, failure is often the first step on the path to success.
Startup
Ah, the “startup” phase. It’s the prolonged adolescence of a business, a convenient excuse for living off ramen, sleeping on friends’ couches, and generally operating on a shoestring. A startup is defined by it’s aspirations of high growth, scaling fast, and disrupting traditional ways of doing business.
Networking
Networking means attending gatherings, often hosted by individuals who are not entreprenuers, where the primary activity involves listening to other entrepreneurs talk about being entreprenuers, even though you’re an entreprenuer.
Sales
Sales means actually generating revenue. While technically important, many entreprenuers may overlook it in the initial phase of business.
Marketing
Creating a Facebook page, posting a few memes, and hoping for the best.
Crowdfunding
Crowdfunding means begging your friends, family, and distant relatives to throw a few bucks at your “revolutionary” idea because no sane investor would touch it with a ten-foot pole.
Influencer
An entreprenuer who has been overly influenced by the social media gurus and now prioritizes likes and followers over actual business operations.
Lean
When an entreprenuer says “we’re lean”, it’s a humblebrag for “we’re pre-revenue and surviving on instant noodles.”
Agile
Agile is the ability to skillfully dodge investor inquiries about profitability, milestones, and generally, why their money seems to be vanishing into thin air.
Paradigm Shift
Paradigm Shift is the moment of clarity when an entreprenuer realizes the “groundbreaking” product they’ve poured years into is, in fact, a colossal waste of time and resources.
MVP (Minimum Viable Product)
Releasing a product prematurely because your excitement got the better of you, and your mom said it was a “great idea”.
Burn Rate
Burn Rate is the act of setting investor money on fire while screaming “I’m a baller!” and livestreaming it on social media.
Hockey Stick
The hockey stick is something you threaten your introverted tech co-founder with when they dare to question your brilliant (but ultimately flawed) business strategy.
Crushing It
Crushing it is the all-purpose answer to any question about your business.
“How’s the business doing?” “Crushing it.”
“Are you hopelessly in debt and on the verge of bankruptcy?” “Crushing it.”
“Your office was just raided by the FBI?” “Crushing it.”
Failure
A celebrated rite of passage in the entreprenuerial community.
Serial Entrepreneur
A serial failure that keeps trying over and over again.
Growth
Growth is what male entreprenuers hope to see in their businesses, but usually only witness south of the border in the morning.
Equity
Equity is rumored to be a piece of the entreprenuer’s soul, which slowly disappears as they sell off more and more of their company.
The Uber of…
If you want to be taken seriously, you must be building the “Uber of” something completely ridiculous, like the “Uber of artisanal dog biscuits” or the “Uber of clown rentals.”
Conclusion: Embrace the Crap
There you have it. With this guide, you’re now fluent in the language of entreprenuership. Use these terms wisely (or foolishly, I’m not your boss). Remember, entreprenuership isn’t about perfection; it’s about embracing the crap, learning from your mistakes, and, above all, “crushing it”. Now go forth and conquer (or at least try not to lose all your money).
