A lady never gets sloppy—she may, however, get tipsy and a little gay. This isn’t an excuse for overindulgence, but a guide to mastering the art of social drinking with elegance and poise.
Never drink on an empty stomach. Always avail yourself of the bread basket and generous portions of butter. This isn’t just good manners, it’s a crucial strategy for pacing yourself and absorbing alcohol slowly. Slather the butter on your bread, it will thank you later.
Sip your drink slowly. Let the beverage linger in your mouth—interspersed with interesting, fascinating conversation. Sip, never slurp or gulp. Your glass should always be three-quarters full when his glass is empty. This is about maintaining control and appearing composed.
Stay away from ladies’ drinks: those overly sweet concoctions like pink ladies, slow gin fizzes, daiquiris, gold cadillacs, Long Island iced teas, margaritas, pina coladas, mai tais, planters punch, white Russians, black Russians, red russians, melon balls, blue balls, hummingbirds, hemorrhages and hurricanes. In short, avoid anything with sugar, or anything with an umbrella. These sugary drinks are deceivingly potent and can lead to unwanted consequences. Get your vitamin C from fruit. Don’t order anything with Voodoo or Vixen in the title or sexual positions in the name like Dead Man Screw or the Missionary, believe me they are lethal. I think you might have been conceived after one of those…
Drink, instead, like a man: straight up or on the rocks, with plenty of water in between.
Alt: A glass of whiskey on the rocks, illustrating a sophisticated drink choice for social events.
Oh, yes. And never mix your drinks. Stay with one all night long, like the man you came in with: bourbon, gin, or tequila till dawn, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! Consistency is key to managing your alcohol intake and avoiding a disastrous mix of spirits.
Don’t leave your drink unattended when visiting the ladies’ room. There is such a thing as white slavery; the modus operandi is to spike a young girl’s drink with a “mickey” when she leaves to powder her nose. This is a serious warning, and vigilance is essential.
Alt: An unattended cocktail glass on a dimly lit table, highlighting the risk of drink spiking.
However, if you feel that you have had more than your sufficiency in liquor, do go to the ladies’ room—often. Pop your head out of doors for a refreshing breath of night air. If you must, wet your face and head with tap water. Don’t be afraid to dunk your head if necessary. A wet woman is still less conspicuous than a drunk woman. Taking proactive measures to sober up is far better than letting the situation escalate.
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary, go to a corner stall and insert the index and middle finger down the throat almost to the epiglottis. Divulge your stomach contents by such persuasion, and then wait a few moments before rejoining your beau waiting for you at your table.
Oh, no. Don’t be shy or embarrassed. In the very best of establishments, there’s always one or two debutantes crouched in the corner stalls, their beaded purses tossed willy-nilly, sounding like cats in heat, heaving up the contents of their stomachs. Sometimes, discreet damage control is the only option.
Alt: An elegant woman in a cocktail dress sitting at a bar, emphasizing the sophistication of social drinking.
I wonder what it is they do in the men’s rooms…
Mastering social drinking is about more than just consuming alcohol. It’s about maintaining your composure, protecting yourself, and navigating social situations with grace. This mother’s guide provides timeless advice for any woman who wants to enjoy social events without sacrificing her dignity. Remember to drink responsibly and prioritize your safety above all else.
