For many individuals who were adopted, a curiosity about their biological roots is a common and natural feeling. This “A Place We Go To Parents Guide” offers suggestions and insights for parents navigating this sensitive journey with their adopted children. It is important to remember that every adoptee’s experience is unique. Some may desire to know everything about their birth family, while others may only be interested in basic facts, and some may have no interest at all. Understanding and respecting your child’s individual needs and feelings is paramount.
Although often considered a “rite of passage,” the decision to search for one’s birth family is deeply personal and should be made in due time. There’s no one-size-fits-all manual, and the journey can be filled with awesome, infuriating, rewarding, and confusing moments. These guidelines will hopefully empower you, as a parent, to support your child, regardless of whether they ultimately decide to embark on this journey or not.
It’s crucial to remember that each adoptee’s path to finding their birth family is different. What works quickly for one may not work as well for another. Encourage your child to listen to others’ experiences, while remaining open-minded to different sources of information. Clues can sometimes come from unexpected places, even from strangers who have a passing knowledge of the family’s past.
Contributing to the diversity of the adoptee experience, generational gaps exist in the adoption community. Younger adoptees are more likely to have access to more information about their birth families than older adoptees born during the baby scoop era, when birth mother privacy was prioritized. Acknowledging these different search experiences is important when exploring various search methods.
Focus on Preparation and Support
Before jumping into the search, recognize that it can be a challenging and emotional journey. Your child may experience stress and setbacks. As a parent, providing a strong support system is essential.
Encourage your child to join support groups, seek therapeutic help, and create a community of understanding individuals. Even if they have been in therapy or support groups before, having this support system before, during, and after the search can make a significant difference.
Throughout the search, encourage your child to check in with themselves regularly. Questions like “How am I doing?” “Do I need a break?” and “Am I experiencing a lot of sadness or happiness?” can help them evaluate their mental health and well-being. Ensure your child understands that their mental health should never be jeopardized during this process.
Where to Begin the Search
The starting point for gathering information depends on factors like where your child grew up, their birth year, and the type of adoption they had. A good first step is obtaining their original birth certificate. This document typically contains the names of the birth parents. However, in many states, original birth certificates are considered sealed records and are not accessible to the adoptee. This emphasis on closed records stems from an era when protecting the birth mother’s privacy was the priority.
If access to the original birth certificate is restricted, talk to your adoptive parents (if applicable) to see if they were given any information about the birth parents on adoption documents. Some states also have independent registries where birth parents or family members and adoptees can leave contact information. While this method may be outdated, it can still be a valuable resource.
Having Names: Next Steps
Having the names of the birth parents opens up more search options. Social media platforms like Facebook can be a starting point. Searching for individuals who resemble your child or who live in the area where they grew up might yield results.
Sometimes, the adoption agency may have records that can be released when the adoptee reaches a certain age. Contacting the hospital where your child was born, the agency, and any legal staff involved in the adoption process can be helpful. However, confidentiality laws may hinder these efforts.
Adoption websites, such as Adoption.com, have search features where you can browse profiles of birth parents and adopted children. Posting your information on these websites and search registries can also increase the chances of finding birth family.
Some websites even offer the option to hire an “Adoption Detective” to assist with the search. While private detectives can also be hired, this can be costly.
The Role of DNA Testing
DNA testing has revolutionized the adoption community, allowing adoptees to connect with birth family and other relatives. For a relatively low cost, DNA tests can reveal ethnic backgrounds and match individuals who share DNA.
Linking your child to other family members through their DNA profile creates a search based on scientific evidence rather than speculation. DNA testing can also provide valuable health information, helping adoptees learn about potential health risks and diseases in their biological family. This is particularly important as most adoptees lack a comprehensive medical history.
Ancestry and 23 & Me are popular and cost-effective DNA testing options. Many other companies offer similar services. Consider the different options to find the one that best suits your child’s needs and provides the information they seek.
Knowing When the Search Ends
Searching for birth family is often a continuous, lifelong process. New information about family members or your child’s birth story may emerge at any time. While tracking down birth parents may be the ultimate goal, it’s important not to give up there. Encourage your child to cultivate relationships with siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunts, and uncles. These relationships can be incredibly healing, sometimes even more so than a relationship with birth parents. Don’t let the disappointment of not finding birth parents overshadow the opportunity to connect with other extended family members.
Supporting your adopted child through their search for their birth family requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to adapt to their unique needs and experiences. By providing a safe and supportive environment, you can help them navigate this complex journey with greater confidence and resilience.
