Living with undiagnosed ADHD as a woman can feel like a constant battle against secrecy and shame. Like many, I’ve spent years berating myself for perceived failures, despite academic achievements. This feeling is compounded by societal expectations and misconceptions about ADHD, particularly in women.
The common stereotype of ADHD often revolves around hyperactive boys who can’t sit still. As a “good” student, the possibility of having ADHD never crossed my mind. When I voiced my suspicions, well-meaning friends dismissed them: “You have a PhD, you read and write well, and you teach. You couldn’t have gotten this far with ADHD.” This reinforces the insidious belief that any struggles must be due to personal failings.
The reality is often a chaotic mess. It’s shame piles of boxes and mail, and books standing in the middle of the room, spending 10-20 minutes trying to decide what task to do next. It’s any bill not on autopay getting forgotten, racking up late fees and penalties. It’s starting a million tasks and never finishing them, mentally clocking out and then realizing hours have vanished. It’s getting fixated on some tasks and struggling to pull away. It’s telling a story and going down so many side tracks I forget what the point of the story was. It’s sitting down to read, work, or write and being pulled every 30 seconds down another rabbit hole, having NO concept of time, and therefore ending up either late to everything (usually) or hella early. It’s deciding I can only tackle one major task a day because “I know I couldn’t possibly fit multiple major tasks into a day—there just isn’t time!” It’s managing intrusive thoughts, yelling at myself to JUST DO THE DAMN TASK IT’S PROBABLY NOT EVEN THAT HARD, then beating myself up for my failure to do said task. The biggest part for me has been internalizing the messages that have been aimed at other people when I recognize the “same” in me: I’m a slob, messy, lazy, forgetful, unreliable, inconsiderate, annoying. These things are all the secrets I’ve felt I’ve poorly hidden over the years. How could anyone love me with these things?
These struggles aren’t just personal quirks; they’re often symptoms of undiagnosed ADHD manifesting differently in women.
The Unique Challenges of ADHD in Women
ADHD in women often presents differently than in men, leading to misdiagnosis or late diagnosis. Here are some of the common challenges faced by women with ADHD:
- Internalized Symptoms: Women tend to internalize their ADHD symptoms, masking them to fit societal expectations. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem as they constantly try to meet unrealistic standards.
- Perfectionism and People-Pleasing: Many women with ADHD develop perfectionistic tendencies and become people-pleasers to compensate for their perceived shortcomings. This can lead to burnout and chronic stress.
- Emotional Dysregulation: Difficulty managing emotions is a hallmark of ADHD. Women with ADHD may experience intense mood swings, irritability, and difficulty regulating their responses to stressful situations.
- Executive Function Deficits: Challenges with planning, organization, time management, and task initiation are common in ADHD. These deficits can significantly impact a woman’s ability to manage her career, home, and personal life.
- Hormonal Fluctuations: Hormonal changes throughout a woman’s life, such as menstruation, pregnancy, and menopause, can exacerbate ADHD symptoms.
Finding Validation and a Path Forward
These things have made me a more empathetic teacher to students, but I fear they’ve also made me a nightmare to supervisors, employers, administration, and even (I fear) friends and partners. I frequently thank my friends for “tolerating” me.
Enter this book.
While most of the above characteristics could be tacked here and there to my depression, my anxiety, the sociohistorical context, my upbringing, etc., NOTHING has ever addressed them ALL simultaneously like Solden and Franks’ book. While listening to it there were moments where they addressed a characteristic of women’s manifestation of ADHD and I would LITERALLY BE DOING THAT THING AT THAT MOMENT (hello, several months’ worth of clean clothes I haven’t folded).
Maybe I don’t have ADHD. Maybe I am just “trash” (the internal “not enough” monologue that rings through my head daily). But there are tears in my eyes writing this review for the way I feel seen and normalized instead of shamed and ostracized. And as a result of this book (and some lovely humans who have entered my life and encouraged me), I’m beginning my journey of testing/diagnosis for ADHD, finally, at the age of 37.
Embracing Self-Compassion and Seeking Support
Understanding the unique presentation of ADHD in women is the first step towards self-acceptance and effective management.
It’s crucial to remember that ADHD is not a personal failing but a neurodevelopmental condition. Embrace self-compassion and challenge the negative self-talk that often accompanies undiagnosed ADHD.
Seeking professional help, such as diagnosis and therapy, can provide valuable tools and strategies for managing ADHD symptoms. Connecting with other women with ADHD can offer a sense of community and validation.
It’s never too late to understand yourself better. Take charge of your health and your life, and explore whether ADHD is a piece of your puzzle.
