Living with suicidal thoughts has unexpectedly made me a more compassionate parent to my son. It took me years to realize this profound connection.
Over fifteen years have passed since my suicide attempt. During that time, I’ve navigated countless doctors, therapies, and diagnoses, some that stuck and others that didn’t. I anticipate that some readers may offer their own diagnoses via social media, or suggest alternative treatments like yoga or kale smoothies. I appreciate the concern, but I assure you, I’ve explored many avenues. What remains constant is my experience with Constant Suicidal Ideation. Will it ever disappear? That’s what I’m working towards.
The intersection of parenthood and suicidal ideation can be frightening. However, just as thinking about exercise doesn’t automatically lead to weight loss, suicidal thoughts themselves don’t automatically lead to action. This is a crucial distinction, offering a degree of comfort while navigating these challenging thoughts. The only way these thoughts can negatively impact my son is if I act upon them.
While I’d prefer not to have these thoughts, they have inadvertently brought unexpected benefits to my parenting approach. The part of my brain that can escalate from calm to suicidal in moments resembles a struggling child in need of specific guidance. The tools I’ve developed to manage my mental health are precisely the tools I aim to equip my son with to thrive in life.
Perhaps “The Suicidal Parent’s Guide for Raising a Child” isn’t a bestseller waiting to happen, but it could offer valuable insights. It would emphasize that when a child is frustrated, simply telling them to “calm down” is far less effective than acknowledging and validating their feelings. Let them know that frustration is a natural emotion and can motivate positive change.
Building Resilience: A Key to Thriving
Resilience is a prominent buzzword in parenting circles, and for good reason. It is indispensable. When your brain is actively fighting against your will to live, you learn resilience by consciously telling yourself, and encouraging your child with the sentiment: “This is frightening, but I know you can handle it.”
This approach fostered a powerful sense of self-efficacy and courage in the face of adversity.
The Power of Emotional Acceptance: No Shame in Feeling
Most importantly, such a guide would underscore that there’s no shame in experiencing any emotion, regardless of its nature. Instead of asking your child, “Oh no, why are you sad?”, try saying, “I will sit with you while you’re sad. We can moan together.”
This promotes emotional acceptance and creates a safe space for vulnerability.
From Curse to Compassion: Lessons Learned
I have often considered my mental health a curse, though I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a blessing. However, we can extract valuable lessons from curses. They teach us self-care and empathy towards others. And parenting is, at its core, about these things. Staying alive allows me to continue being a parent.
This perspective reframes personal challenges as opportunities for growth and compassionate connection.
This post is part of the Here.Now series, which seeks to destigmatize mental health, and is made possible by UJA-Federation of New York and The Jewish Board.You can find other educational mental health resources here.**
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Deena Nyer Mendlowitz
Deena Nyer Mendlowitz has a Bachelor’s Degree in Communications and a Masters in severe depression. She is a freelance writer and improv comedian (crookedrivercomedy.com) who has also worked as an on-staff humor writer for American Greetings and has professionally tweeted about vacuums. She is the creator of Funnel Cakes Not Included, a one-woman show about ending mental health stigma. Check out more at www.funnnelcakesnotincluded.com.
