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Everyone and their dog seems to have churned out a gift guide in the past month, and I’ve noticed these lists tend to be, shall we say, polarizing. Some people adore a good gift suggestion, while others just love to judge the person who compiled the list. I could present a selection of gifts that I (a stranger) think you (another stranger) could give to a loved one (also a stranger), but honestly, I’m terrified of being judged. Plus, let’s face it, I’m late to the party. It’s December 19th. If you haven’t already finished your Christmas shopping, you’re likely in the midst of a frantic dash around the shops this weekend, ignoring all gift guides and desperately grabbing socks and books that your relatives will receive with lukewarm enthusiasm.
So, instead, I offer you an anti-gift guide. A compilation of truly horrendous items you should never gift to anyone you care about, even if you had unlimited funds. Join me in marveling at these truly terrible options:
A Cruise: The Gift of Seasickness and Strangers
Look, I know some people inexplicably enjoy cruises, and I try not to judge. Except, I’m lying, I totally judge. “Enjoy” is a strong word for what is essentially a floating multi-story parking lot. You spend your entire “vacation” surrounded by strangers, constantly aware that you could fall overboard in the dead of night under mysterious circumstances that no one is legally obligated to investigate, and you pay thousands for this “privilege.” A cruise inherently feels like a punishment.
Remember all those people trapped on cruise ships at the start of the Covid outbreak? Some of them, incredibly, went straight back onto another ship as soon as they could, apparently undeterred by the (presumably deeply traumatic) experience of being forcibly quarantined in cabins that often lack windows. It’s a cult, I tell you. Don’t believe me? Read this piece by Gary Shteyngart about his voyage on the world’s largest cruise liner and try to tell me it’s not a descent into madness. Then, for added horror, read this article about the eight people who were LEFT BEHIND on a tiny island by their cruise ship. Even after that, some of them still booked more cruises. The only plausible justification for booking one of these trips is if you’re on the run from the law. If you truly despise someone, gifting them a cruise is a stroke of evil genius. They’ll be gone for at least two weeks, and they might even pick up norovirus as a bonus.
A Taxidermied ‘Unicorn’: The Ultimate White Elephant
Image alt text: A taxidermied horse head with a white horn attached, displayed against a plain background. This “unicorn” taxidermy is a bizarre and unwanted home decor item, perfect for Bella’s bad gift guide.
Does a special someone in your life (who you secretly loathe) have a passion for magic, animals, and truly awful home décor? Why not buy them this dead horse that has been dressed up to resemble a unicorn (because what sane adult wouldn’t want a mythical creature in their hallway?) and have it delivered as a “surprise”? It’s POA (price on application), which is code for “you definitely can’t afford it,” but I still think it’s worth pushing your credit limit to the brink, just to witness their reaction as this terrifying fusion of Tory hunting lodge chic and “live laugh love” décor is wheeled into their living room. It’s so ostentatious and offensively expensive that your enemy can’t even attempt to politely refuse it. It will become a permanent fixture in their home (because no one in their right mind would buy it off them), forever haunting them with its vacant, dead eyes. I’m honestly baffled that it hasn’t been snatched up yet.
A Tasting Menu Experience: Starvation Sold as Gourmet
This gift might not have the broad appeal of a dead, bejeweled horse, but bear with me. Dinner is often the highlight of the day, particularly when shared with friends and copious amounts of good wine. Someone, somewhere, once had a pleasant dinner and thought, “How can we elevate this?” The answer, apparently, was to replace a satisfying bowl of pasta with eight tiny courses of utterly random ingredients, each portion the size of a thimble. Repeat this until the diner’s will to live is extinguished, and then present them with a bill so astronomical they’ll have to sell their taxidermied unicorn to cover it. You might think you’re treating someone to a “gourmet experience,” but make no mistake, tasting menus are strictly for your enemies. They’ll be so ravenous afterward that they’ll be forced to seek out a questionable kebab, making it a truly double punishment.
A “Red Letter Day”: The Gift of Regret
Have you ever heard the saying, “Never say yes to something you wouldn’t want to do tomorrow?” A “Red Letter Day” experience is a prime example of ignoring this crucial life lesson. Ooh, a day driving a fast car around a racetrack four hours away! In the pouring rain! A hot air balloon ride that necessitates leaving the house at 5 am! A trip to the top of a skyscraper during a storm where visibility is zero (okay, admittedly, at least you wouldn’t have to actually see the skyscraper)! You would only inflict one of these “experiences” on someone you actively despise. Just imagine their joy at schlepping halfway across the country to ride an old steam train that chugs half an hour up the track. What a wonderfully spiteful present. For people you actually like, avoid.
A Coffee Table Book: The Brick of Boredom
Look, I’m not immune to their allure. My own coffee table is on the verge of collapse under the weight of these glossy tomes (clearly, people must hate me). I understand the supposed air of sophistication they project – “Ooh, a book on brutalist architecture, Bella’s not just a pretty face!” – but aside from the fleeting moment of smugness after you unwrap one, you’re never actually going to open it again. That oversized book of Vogue’s greatest photographs will sit there, slowly accumulating coffee mug rings, and every now and then you’ll consider donating it to charity, but you never will because it was expensive and “thoughtful,” and it makes you feel cultured and grown-up just by being there. That book will outlive you. It will be buried with you, placed reverently on your chest, weighing you down for eternity. In a thousand years, when archaeologists unearth your coffin, you’ll be dust, but “Great Maps of the World” will be pristine, as untouched as the day you unwrapped it.
A Tie: The Epitome of Thoughtlessness
Novelty or not, gifting a tie screams, “I put zero thought into this.” No one excitedly shops for ties, bursting with love for the man who will receive said tie. Ties should be outlawed. They serve absolutely no purpose, and whenever I think of ties, I immediately picture Donald Trump with his absurdly long versions or awkward teenagers with their comically short ones. It’s all just weird phallic nonsense. By buying someone a tie, you’re not only expressing your disdain for the recipient but also perpetuating this pointless tradition. Think carefully. Buy them socks instead. Socks also demonstrate a blatant lack of effort (I got Greg socks for his birthday; he won’t read this).
This Fringed Sequin Embellished Poncho: A Fashion Disaster Waiting to Happen
Image alt text: A model awkwardly poses in a grey, fringed, sequined poncho from Net-A-Porter. This ridiculously expensive and unflattering garment is highlighted as a terrible gift in Bella’s anti-gift guide.
It’s not the first thing that springs to mind as a gift, but it’s featured in the Net-A-Porter gift guide, so some unfortunate woman is destined to receive this for Christmas. It’s a spectacularly bad present. Firstly, it costs £6k, which is an obscene amount of money to spend on anything, especially a sleeveless jumper. If you’re hoping for warmth from the knit, you’re also out of luck, as it appears to be crocheted and therefore full of gaping holes. Secondly, it’s utterly hideous – sequins, shapelessness, fringe overload. No one can make this work, not even the model looks convinced. But imagine opening this on Christmas Day. How on earth do you ask for the gift receipt? “Thank you so much for my grey sack, darling, it’s exactly what I wanted, but perhaps I might exchange it for a different shade of grey?” No. You’re doomed to wear it on Christmas Day, possibly accessorized with a paper crown, and silently question what you did in a past life to deserve this sartorial punishment.
Anything From Daylesford: The Tasteful Tyranny of Lady Bamford
A niche one, perhaps, but once you become aware of Lady Bamford and her seemingly insatiable ambition to annex Gloucestershire and force the entire UK to purchase her range of aggressively tasteful goods, you won’t be able to forget her. The Bamfords are billionaires (JCB diggers) who generously loaned Boris Johnson their house for his recent wedding (and allegedly covered part of the expenses) and allowed him to reside in their London townhouse after he departed Downing Street. There has also been a long-standing investigation into the Bamford family’s tax arrangements. All of this is fairly standard super-rich behavior, but it doesn’t halt the relentless expansion of Daylesford and its cloying faux-rustic charm. Yes, the jam jars are aesthetically pleasing, yes, the napkins are pretty. But resist the urge. You are better than this.
A Lush Bath Bomb: The Scent of Synthetic Suffering
Simply walking past a Lush store is enough to make you smell like you’ve been submerged in one of their mixing vats for the rest of the week. For a brand that loudly proclaims its “natural” ingredients, the artificiality of the scent is truly astounding. It could probably survive a nuclear apocalypse. A bath bomb isn’t a nuclear weapon, but it does have long-lasting repercussions. There’s the initial anxiety – will this induce a yeast infection? – followed by the insane mess you have to scrub off the bathtub post-bath. Some of the most unhinged bath bombs even contain glitter. Glitter! A yeast infection, but make it sparkly. Just no.
A Puppy: Chaos in a Crate
People who give puppies as Christmas presents are, frankly, unhinged. A day already fraught with stress, filled with relatives you wish would leave and hyperactive children fueled by chocolate, and you decide to add a tiny, traumatized dog, freshly separated from its mother, into the mix? My wonderful friend Jane, who works at Battersea Dogs & Cats Home, confirms that they experience a surge of young dogs being surrendered in February. You do the math. Save yourself the misery and get a dead horse dressed as a unicorn instead. Then, in March, adopt an older dog from Battersea who will ruin your life in a thousand different, but ultimately more rewarding, ways. Ours ate an entire panettone stuffed with raisins last week. That was an unwanted Christmas gift in itself! Which brings me to…
A Panettone: The Fruitcake of Italy
Nobody wants this. I hope that helps clarify things.
