For fans of gothic soap operas and supernatural drama, Dark Shadows remains a timeless classic. Premiering in 1966, this groundbreaking television series captivated audiences with its unique blend of mystery, romance, and the macabre. Whether you’re a long-time devotee or a newcomer eager to explore the shadowy world of Collinsport, understanding the series’ vast narrative can be daunting. This episode guide serves as your comprehensive portal to the early days of Dark Shadows, illuminating the key moments and characters that defined its initial run.

This guide, inspired by resources like the Dark Shadows Every Day blog, aims to be your ultimate companion, offering more than just a list of episodes. It’s crafted to enhance your understanding and viewing experience, providing context and insights into the storylines that unfolded, particularly in the crucial early years following the show’s debut in 1966. Dive in to discover the rich tapestry of Dark Shadows, and navigate the episodes that first introduced audiences to the unforgettable Collins family and their eerie secrets.

April 1967

• Episode 210: Opening the Box
  Venture into the mysterious mausoleum and witness the discovery of a secret room. The unveiling of a mystery box sets the stage for unfolding secrets and supernatural intrigue that grips Collinsport.

• Episode 211: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner
  The cemetery becomes a meeting ground as Jason, a character shrouded in enigma, encounters a new, peculiar acquaintance. This episode hints at the expanding web of relationships within the shadowy town.

• Episode 212: The Collins Blood
  Explore the ominous warning as the narrative delves into why playing in a haunted house is undeniably perilous, especially when the house has ties to the ancient Collins family.

• Episode 213: I’m Upset About Something
  Uncover the surprising parallels between Dark Shadows and mainstream television hits like Melrose Place, Happy Days, and Family Matters, revealing the show’s unique, yet relatable, charm.

• Episode 214: Very Much Alive
  Barnabas Collins captivates with tales of pyramids and plaster, before losing his thread, mirroring the show’s unpredictable and often delightfully bizarre narrative turns.

• Episode 215: Where’s Willie?
  A bizarre mystery unfolds with perforated cows baffling the townsfolk. Jason takes on the role of investigator, venturing into the strange happenings plaguing Collinsport.

• Episode 216: I Don’t Dig You Out
  Delve into the world of acting techniques as characters showcase backacting and feigned fear of portraits, adding layers to the dramatic tension.

• Episode 217: Not Enough Vampire in Your Vampire Show
  Jason offers his expert opinion on arm blood, while the narrative playfully considers the implications of vampire-on-vampire encounters, sparking creativity, even for Stanley Kubrick.

• Episode 218: Madman with a Box
  Experience the mundane and the mysterious as Roger busies himself with doors, Jason continues his search for Willie, and Barnabas makes an unusual appearance under a boom mic.

• Episode 219: Addled Quacks
  Witness Roger’s sarcastic interactions with Willie, Jason, Sheriff Patterson, and Dr. Woodard, highlighting the intricate character dynamics within the Collins family saga.

[](Barnabas Collins with Fangs in Dark Shadows Episode 227)

May 1967

• Episode 220: Never Drink Wine
  Willie showcases “Excessive Pre-Commercial Pausing” (EPCP), a quirky soap opera phenomenon, adding a touch of self-aware humor to the dramatic proceedings.

• Episode 221: Mystery Date
  Romance and danger intertwine as Maggie encounters a mysterious stranger, while Barnabas faces an unexpected physical block, creating suspense and intrigue.

• Episode 222: Whom It Was
  Social calls take a dark turn as Barnabas visits, revealing why castles are seldom stormed. Sam Evans contributes his limited lines, adding to the episode’s understated tension.

• Episode 223: The Me/You Fun Gap
  The AFTRA strike’s effects manifest in subtle ways, with Liz’s aimless actions, Burke’s preoccupation with time, and David’s complaints, reflecting real-world disruptions.

• Episode 224: The Late Shift
  Dreams and reality blur as David hears unsettling sounds, Jason makes cryptic insinuations, and Maggie experiences vivid, possibly prophetic, dreams.

• Episode 225/226: Fangs for Nothing
  A milestone episode is marred by a misstep, while Barnabas, Sam, and Burke engage in a tense dialogue chicken match, adding to the show’s dramatic quirks.

• Episode 227: Sick Day
  Maggie’s mysterious ailment leads to a Dracula checklist, alongside a display of “triple backacting,” blending classic horror tropes with soap opera melodrama.

• Episode 228: Those Things in That Room
  A cryptic conversation revolves around mysterious “things” in a basement room, escalating into a comical back-and-forth about rooms and basements, typical of Dark Shadows’ quirky dialogue.

• Episode 229: Thirst World Problems
  Maggie’s significant blood loss is humorously addressed, with a nod to the cliché of finding lost items in the last place searched.

• Episode 230: The Transylvania Twist
  Cemeteries, vampires, fog machines, and a new hairstyle converge as Maggie finds herself in a classic horror setting, amplified by soap opera theatrics.

• Episode 231: Bedside Manners
  The Doctor “regenerates” in a playful nod to Doctor Who, alongside groundbreaking recap techniques and a question posed directly to the women in the audience.

• Episode 232: Just Add Water
  Recap conversations dominate, punctuated by a thunderstorm, advancing the plot through dialogue and atmospheric effects.

• Episode 233: All Wet
  Rain confines Vicki and Carolyn to the drawing room, where their fear becomes the focal point of their conversation, enhancing the claustrophobic tension.

• Episode 234: Adventures in Babysitting
  Dr. Woodard’s vague warnings to Sam about Maggie hint at impending danger, though the narrator admits to divided attention, mirroring the show’s layered narratives.

[](Vicki Winters and Carolyn Stoddard in Dark Shadows Episode 238)

• Episode 235: The Waiting Room
  Maggie’s health crisis deepens as she loses blood, and Dr. Woodard subsequently loses Maggie, escalating the suspense and medical mystery.

• Episode 236: Extreme Makeover
  Maggie’s disappearance from the hospital prompts questions about a hallway camera and the odd behavior of everyone touching Sam, adding a layer of surreal mystery.

• Episode 237: Cold Case
  Sheriff Patterson’s overnight search for Maggie culminates in discouraged couch-sitting and dialogue, showcasing the blend of action and domestic drama.

• Episode 238: Unreal Estate
  Vicki and Carolyn’s casual exploration of the Old House strains credibility, yet technically builds suspense, depending on audience generosity.

• Episode 239: Local Girl Mysteriously Disappears
  An 18th-century ghoul’s actions—kidnapping a waitress, dressing her in a wedding gown, and staging a date—highlight the bizarre romantic entanglements.

• Episode 240: Open House
  Vampire security protocols are reviewed as Barnabas navigates having a hypnotized girl on his property, blending horror with domestic considerations.

• Episode 241: Mrs. Snuffleupagus
  Etiquette lessons for the criminally insane continue as Barnabas confronts uninvited guests in his home with his brainwashed companion, adding dark humor.

• Episode 242: A Mystery in Science
  Dr. Woodard’s reliance on blood tests to solve Maggie’s kidnapping is questioned, as Burke’s line-forgetting adds to the episode’s chaotic charm.

• Episode 243: Blood Drive
  Dr. Woodard’s unusual request for another blood sample from Willie at the Old House pushes the boundaries of medical normalcy in Collinsport.

[](Dr. Woodard Confused in Dark Shadows Episode 243)

June 1967

• Episode 244: Indecent Proposal
  A slow-burn game of chicken unfolds between Liz and Jason, escalating tension through dramatic dares and subtle power plays.

• Episode 245: Tragic Malady
  Barnabas’s magnetic presence dominates, overshadowing other characters and storylines with his compelling vampire allure.

• Episode 246: Family Planning
  A rare non-possessed lawyer appears, alongside two minutes of door-related actions, balancing supernatural plot with mundane, time-filling sequences.

• Episode 247: I’m Someone Else
  Maggie “invents thinks,” Burke’s physical interactions with Sam continue, and the director’s struggle to film a coffin scene adds meta-commentary on production challenges.

• Episode 248: Damsel in This Dress
  Maggie’s unnoticed walk in a wedding gown with a pipe highlights the obliviousness of Collinsport residents to the bizarre, questioning local awareness.

• Episode 249: That Room with Those Things
  The mysterious basement room is finally revealed to Carolyn and Roger, with everyone walking on Paul’s grave, blending mystery with morbid undertones.

• Episode 250: Exit Strategy
  Maggie takes on a vampire slayer role, enlisting Willie to confront Barnabas, marking a shift in character dynamics and plot agency.

• Episode 251: Close to Killing You
  The abduction storyline evolves into Maggie being confined in yet another room, humorously pointing out repetitive plot devices.

• Episode 252: How to Ruin Your Life
  Carolyn’s pleasant evening contrasts sharply with everyone else’s drama, urging a lighter approach to life’s darker turns within the show.

• Episode 253: Alive and Someplace
  Maggie plots escape, while David’s intrusive nature continues, blending suspense with elements of childish mischief.

• Episode 254: The Summer of Love
  Carolyn enjoys another evening with her beatnik boyfriend, set against the backdrop of 1967’s cultural shifts.

• Episode 255: Job Interview with the Vampire
  Barnabas’s touch triggers Maggie’s instinctive recoil, humorously termed a “career-limiting move” in vampire relations.

• Episode 256: Falling Down
  “London Bridge” becomes a symbolic motif, suggesting a breakdown or collapse, layering nursery rhyme dread into the narrative.

• Episode 257: Bachelor Party
  Jason’s “quiet word” with Carolyn’s boyfriend escalates poorly, hinting at volatile interactions and brewing conflicts.

[](Carolyn Stoddard and Beatnik Boyfriend in Dark Shadows Episode 253)

• Episode 258: The Casual Ghost
  Maggie befriends a dead, singing nine-year-old, blending the macabre with childlike innocence and potential jealousy from the living.

• Episode 259: Cell Blocked
  Carolyn’s storyline shifts to a juvenile delinquency PSA, humorously diverging into educational short territory.

• Episode 260: The Secret of My Suspense
  Friday afternoon tension as Dark Shadows writers finally grasp suspense, just in time to terrify younger viewers before the weekend.

• Episode 261: Bigger on the Inside
  Maggie’s beachside reappearance and Dr. Woodard’s plan to declare her dead showcases the show’s penchant for dramatic, often illogical, plot twists.

• Episode 262: Feelin’ Gloomy
  Vicki’s slow-motion individual announcements of Maggie’s supposed death drag out the emotional weight and dramatic timing.

• Episode 263: Don’t Say Anything
  Vicki’s predictably fruitless attempt to console Maggie’s father by parking on his couch underscores the often-ineffectual comforting gestures in soap operas.

• Episode 264: Unconscience
  Barnabas confronts Jason, as writers devise ways to keep the vampire central to the evolving Dark Shadows narrative.

• Episode 265: Doctor Strange
  The hypnotic Dr. Hoffman enters, casting a spell over the characters and viewers alike, adding a new layer of intrigue.

[](Dr. Julia Hoffman in Dark Shadows Episode 265)

July 1967

• Episode 266: Jump Start
  Elizabeth’s constant time inquiries escalate her despair, hinting at suicidal thoughts driven by relentless, trivial interruptions.

• Episode 267: The Least Torment
  Cliffside contemplation of life and death by Barnabas and Liz precedes Vicki and Burke dancing, contrasting somber reflection with light-hearted moments.

• Episode 268: Suicide Is Painful
  Elizabeth’s suicidal decision casts a pall over the narrative, prompting dark humor about audience endurance of main character suffering.

• Episode 269: Loving the Monster
  Vicki’s attempt to dissuade Liz from suicide is juxtaposed with the narrator’s struggle to reconcile affection for a show with a disliked protagonist.

• Episode 270: Here Comes the Bride
  Carolyn’s resolve to halt her mother’s wedding is presented with confident expectation, setting up potential comedic or dramatic intervention.

[](Elizabeth Collins Contemplating Marriage in Dark Shadows Episode 270)

• Episode 271: I Killed Paul Stoddard
  A flashback to 1949 reveals Elizabeth’s natural, poker-induced homicide, disrupting wedding festivities with past revelations.

• Episode 272: Bourne Yesterday
  Burke and Roger’s questionable decision to shoot at Jason during his wedding raises procedural and ethical questions, highlighting character impulsivity.

• Episode 273: All These Years
  Burke and the Sheriff’s downstairs excavation suggests digging up trouble, foreshadowing further complications and discoveries.

• Episode 274: The Bachelor
  Barnabas and Willie’s “staff meeting” humorously frames their vampire-servant relationship with corporate jargon, reviewing progress and setting “goals”.

• Episode 275: The Last Normal Day
  Jason’s treasure hunt in a haunted house predictably goes awry, emphasizing the perilous nature of Collinsport’s eerie locales.

• Episode 276: Crime Scenes
  Barnabas’s first murder is comically likened to a bar mitzvah for a vampire, marking a dark rite of passage into active villainy.

• Episode 277: Around the Sun
  Barnabas’s character abruptly transitions from killer to romantic rival mid-scene, showcasing the show’s fluid moral and narrative shifts.

• Episode 278: Of Course! A Costume Party!
  Vampire social planning leads to a costume party, because that’s what vampires do, blending gothic horror with social event conventions.

• Episode 279: Party Animals
  Unexplained dread surrounds the costume party, creating anticipatory suspense and unease among the characters.

• Episode 280: Costume Drama
  Costume party attendees discuss their resemblance to dead people and engage in a seance, amplifying the macabre and darkly humorous atmosphere.

• Episode 281: Ancestral Exercises
  Barnabas’s party to woo Vicki is derailed by his ex-girlfriend’s arrival and revelations, a relatable party-gone-wrong scenario with vampire flair.

[](Maggie and Dr. Julia Hoffman in Dark Shadows Episode 282)

• Episode 282: The Examined Life
  Julia attempts to decipher Maggie’s earworm, blending psychological mystery with everyday annoyances in a Dark Shadows context.

• Episode 283: Role Playing
  Julia and Dr. Woodard swap personalities, creating farcical and potentially consequential body-swap scenarios.

• Episode 284: Doctor Who
  Julia’s persuasive skills earn her a permanent place at Collinwood, highlighting character manipulation and strategic alliances.

• Episode 285: Kandor Crush
  A chilling tale of undead neighborly gestures, as a living dead figure brings over a book, twisting mundane interactions into gothic scenarios.

• Episode 286: Slumber Party
  Vicki’s two-minute candle routine in Josette’s room exemplifies time-filling sequences, as she lights and extinguishes candles for dramatic effect.

[](Dr. Julia Hoffman Makes Faces in Dark Shadows Episode 290)

August 1967

• Episode 287: Notes on Camp
  Julia’s facial expressions become a spectacle, juxtaposed with a discussion of mythopoetic trickster figures, blending highbrow and camp elements.

• Episode 288: The Unreflected
  Julia’s habitual lying takes center stage, emphasizing deception as a key character trait and plot driver.

• Episode 289: That Hoffman Woman
  Vicki and Carolyn’s weather chat contrasts with Julia’s quiet takeover of the show, highlighting subtle shifts in narrative focus and character dominance.

• Episode 290: The Ancient Truce
  An on-set fire becomes part of the episode, showcasing the show’s commitment to live performance and accidental realism.

• Episode 291: The Alchemist
  Julia offers Barnabas a “spiritual and material release” from vampirism with pseudo-scientific jargon like “purging the arterial system,” blending science and the supernatural.

• Episode 292: I Know Who’s Dead
  Julia lies to Woodard, Sarah reveals Maggie’s status to David, and Vicki falls for a house, weaving multiple plot threads with character-driven deceptions and desires.

• Episode 293: Untouched
  Vicki’s house-selling strategy involves persistent mentions to rich men, humorously highlighting the show’s indirect, character-based plot progression.

• Episode 294: House Party
  Vicki’s house tour with suitors is intercut with the 18th-century spirit of Sarah freeing Maggie, underscoring the show’s bizarre, time-crossing narrative.

• Episode 295: Nothing But Lies
  Color TV arrives in Collinsport, alongside little cups of things, a one-sided phone call, and a prescription-strength medallion, marking a superficial upgrade with quirky details.

• Episode 296: United Stakes
  Julia’s continued lying and candleabra cigarette lighting solidify her rock star status within the Dark Shadows universe.

• Episode 297: The Honest Truth
  Sarah’s visit to Maggie and doll retrieval adds a touch of ghostly demand and unresolved childhood threads.

• Episode 298: Dread Alert
  Carolyn, Liz, and Burke’s aimless house shuffling precedes Julia’s predictable return to lying, maintaining narrative patterns.

• Episode 299: A Human Life
  Julia’s unrequited love for Barnabas is highlighted as he wastes time mooning over someone else, emphasizing romantic frustrations.

• Episode 300: The Other Woman
  A dismissive “boring, boring, boring, Julia scene, boring, boring” encapsulates the narrator’s impatience with certain character-centric scenes.

• Episode 301: Burke Devlin Must Die
  Barnabas’s Bond villain-esque dialogue and Burke’s simile disputes add layers of theatrical villainy and character-based humor.

[](Barnabas Collins and Vicki Winters in Dark Shadows Episode 299)

• Episode 302: The Serpent
  Barnabas and Julia’s “quiet evening” involves living room chases and difficult questions, blending domesticity with underlying tension.

• Episode 303: The Back of My Mind
  Burke and Dr. Woodard’s case review continues, reiterating plot points for audience retention and episodic structure.

• Episode 304: Scooby-Doo Must Die
  Burke’s tree-stalking and Barnabas inquiry is humorously framed as Scooby-Doo-esque, with inevitable failure implied.

• Episode 305: Paranormal Activity
  David’s Chromakey forest shortcut to a crypt playdate blends low-budget effects with childishly macabre scenarios.

• Episode 306: Out of Order
  Sarah leads David to the mausoleum’s secret room for plot convenience, setting up future storylines with ghostly guidance.

• Episode 307: Total Recall
  An epic recap at the Blue Whale summarizes two months of plot, serving as a narrative reset and audience catch-up tool.

• Episode 308: In Circles
  Sam and Joe’s Maggie investigation is predictably thwarted by Julia’s habitual lying, maintaining narrative obstacles and character roles.

• Episode 309: The Finger of Suspicion
  Malcolm Marmorstein’s final episode promises something special, hinting at writer-driven narrative flourishes before a change in creative direction.

September 1967

• Episode 310: Ghostbusted
  David’s crystal ball use to find Sarah is ironically redundant, as she’s found in the last place he saw her, highlighting narrative circularity.

• Episode 311: A Tomb of One’s Own
  David’s secret room entrapment is presented as inevitable and plot-driven, regardless of logical sense, emphasizing narrative over realism.

• Episode 312: Search Party
  David’s disappearance while searching for Sarah prompts Barnabas’s negative reaction, underscoring character possessiveness and volatile emotions.

• Episode 313: Old Friends
  David remains locked up, while the episode shifts focus elsewhere, suggesting plot multitasking and delayed resolutions.

• Episode 314: A Logical Explanation
  Joe, Dr. Woodard, and Maggie’s belief in logical explanations is ironically juxtaposed with the show’s supernatural premise.

• Episode 315: Between Sentiment and Survival
  Barnabas’s decision to murder a child marks a dark turn for a daytime TV protagonist, pushing moral boundaries and audience expectations.

• Episode 316: The Big Bad
  Barnabas’s paranoia about David’s knowledge of his vampire identity leads to a comical misunderstanding about who knows what, creating layered character anxieties.

[](Barnabas Collins and David Collins in Dark Shadows Episode 316)

• Episode 317: The X-Files
  Sam and Dr. Woodard’s continued questioning is presented as futile, mocking procedural tropes in a supernatural context.

• Episode 318: Interesting Times
  Barnabas’s impulsive strangulation of Julia reveals secret panels are not soundproof, blending violence with slapstick consequences.

• Episode 319: This Maniac
  Dr. Woodard’s plan to catch a madman is predictably bad, yet his enjoyment highlights the humor in character incompetence.

• Episode 320: This Means Your Life
  David’s Chromakey nightmare, and Julia and Willie’s continued attempts to dissuade Barnabas from murder, maintain recurring plot and visual motifs.

• Episode 321: What We Talk About When We Talk About Ghosts
  Barnabas’s weekend contemplation fails to alter his “stupid plan,” emphasizing character stubbornness and cyclical plotting.

• Episode 322: To Bite or Not to Bite
  Barnabas questions Julia’s letter, highlighting distrust and habitual deception among key characters.

• Episode 323: Fire at Will
  The episode’s title foreshadows someone getting shot in the back, blending suspense with dark humor about character fates.

• Episode 324: The Wrong Man
  A vampire-less episode is replaced with an oil painting, humorously suggesting art as a substitute for supernatural elements.

• Episode 325: The Spirited Child
  David’s fright at Barnabas’s portrait and Barnabas’s knife display in David’s bedroom escalate tension and psychological horror.

• Episode 326: A Time Like This
  A diverse list of cultural references, from goldfish to Nazis, culminates in the ironic line, “This is just an ordinary medallion,” showcasing the show’s eclectic and often absurd nature.

• Episode 327: David vs the Goldfish People
  David’s memory curse is humorously presented as a superpower and a burden, contrasting with typical superhero narratives.

• Episode 328: Look! A Ring!
  Barnabas’s moral progress regresses, humorously depicted as skidding off-road and crashing, highlighting character’s cyclical moral arcs.

• Episode 329: Willie Loomis Must Die
  Julia’s options for killing Willie—IV removal or smoking—blend dark humor with ethical quandaries.

• Episode 330: Twenty-two Minutes
  An examination of Dark Shadows cliffhanger types reflects on narrative structure and episodic pacing within the soap opera format.

[](David Collins and a Bat in Dark Shadows Episode 331)

October 1967

• Episode 331: Bat’s Entertainment
  Roger and Barnabas’s scene is described as a “slow-motion disaster,” capturing the show’s knack for awkwardly compelling trainwrecks.

• Episode 332: Safe? Safe!
  Barnabas and Julia’s “improv strangling scene” and Sarah’s sound effect rule-breaking add meta-theatrical humor to the suspense.

• Episode 333: Those Meddling Kids
  The Scooby gang reference during the Old House visit humorously frames the characters’ amateur sleuthing with cartoonish comparisons.

• Episode 334: All Those Dead People

  nuBurkeFail hashtag humorously anticipates internet reactions to Burke’s failures, modernizing audience engagement.

• Episode 335: The Shadow He Casts
  A psychiatrist’s interpretation of the show as a metaphor for itself adds layers of self-referential humor and analysis.

• Episode 336: Talk Show
  Dr. Woodard channeling Art Linkletter and ghost kids saying “the darnedest things” blend talk show tropes with supernatural child elements.

• Episode 337: Time to Kill
  Dr. Woodard’s vampire victim status is cemented, foreshadowing his likely demise and character expendability.

• Episode 338: Think Like a Woman
  A critique of Barnabas as a partner focuses on his strangling and fretting, humorously dissecting his romantic shortcomings.

• Episode 339: The End of Everything
  Dr. Woodard’s room-sneaking and notebook search is presented as the episode’s primary action, highlighting plot minimalism.

• Episode 340: Dave Woodard Must Die
  Dr. Woodard opening another box is a recurring, dangerous trope, humorously suggesting his box-opening addiction.

• Episode 341: The Night of the Doctor
  Barnabas and Julia killing Dr. Woodard is casually presented with a spoiler alert, blending dark humor with plot progression.

• Episode 342: Shadow of the Bat
  Baffling scenes and outfits are noted, emphasizing the show’s occasionally nonsensical and visually peculiar nature.

• Episode 343: The Apparatus
  Julia cranks up “mad science,” while Barnabas pursues a love triangle, juxtaposing scientific absurdity with soap opera romance.

• Episode 344: Haunted
  “Everyone is worried about David” becomes a running gag, highlighting the cyclical nature of character concerns and plot focus.

• Episode 345: Rest in Pieces
  Vicki receiving bad news about Burke is bluntly stated, reflecting the show’s matter-of-fact approach to character misfortunes.

• Episode 346: The Shipping News
  “Love” in open-ended narratives is examined, alongside the impossibility of sending Julia to “the farm,” blending thematic analysis with character-based limitations.

• Episode 347: Mad Science
  Julia’s vampire cure rush is questioned with “What could possibly go wrong?” foreshadowing inevitable complications.

[](Old Barnabas in Dark Shadows Episode 349)

• Episode 348: Mission Accomplished
  Barnabas and Julia fire up the apparatus again, reiterating mad science as a recurring plot device and character activity.

• Episode 349: Secret Aging Man
  Barnabas’s human transformation leads to immediate complaining, humorously depicting vampire dissatisfaction with humanity.

• Episode 350: Grumpy Old Man
  Barnabas’s youth restoration dilemma involves blood drinking, with two candidates conveniently available, emphasizing character choices and dark humor.

• Episode 351: The Grateful Dead
  Carolyn’s “post-biting exit interview” humorously frames vampire attacks with corporate jargon, blending horror with mundane office culture.

• Episode 352: Disturbed Children
  Halloween 1967 is marked by Carolyn waking David with lies, blending holiday themes with character deceit and manipulation.

[](Julia Hoffman Hypnotizes Vicki Winters in Dark Shadows Episode 354)

November 1967

• Episode 353: The “I Have a Dream” Speech
  Carolyn’s suspicion about Julia hypnotizing Vicki adds to the ongoing mistrust and character-based conflicts.

• Episode 354: Haunted House of Cards
  Julia’s hypnosis leads Vicki on a basement trip, questioned for efficiency, highlighting plot contrivances for dramatic effect.

• Episode 355: Julia Hoffman Must Die
  Barnabas’s decision to eventually kill Julia is comically drawn out, emphasizing character indecisiveness and delayed actions.

• Episode 356: Beat the Clock
  Julia’s mansion hiding places contrast with her choice to hide her notebook centrally, highlighting character-based plot conveniences.

• Episode 357: When Worlds Collide
  A new writer and friend arrive, suggesting behind-the-scenes creative shifts and potential narrative changes.

• Episode 358: Boy Meets Ghoul
  Sailor suits, first dates, needles, and a magic number combine in a bizarre episode, typical of Dark Shadows’ eclectic plotting.

• Episode 359: Love and Death
  Etiquette for insane house guests is humorously explored, as train schedules and Boston mentions become signals of impending doom.

• Episode 360: Crazy Lady on the Loose
  Sudden-onset crazy lady disrupts Collinsport peace, introducing abrupt character shifts and plot disruptions.

• Episode 361: The One Where Julia Loses Her Mind
  The narrator’s objectivity fails, requiring backup for reviewing Julia’s mental state, highlighting character intensity.

• Episode 362: The Day After
  Julia’s madness is depicted as escalating to “eleven,” and potentially “twelve,” pushing character extremes to comedic levels.

• Episode 363: Anyone But You
  The vampire, doctor, lawyer, governess, niece, and child are listed, signaling a nearing climax for this character ensemble and storyline phase.

• Episode 364: Boom Goes the Dynamite
  Barnabas’s optimism about Sarah’s return is immediately undermined, setting up swift narrative reversals and character misjudgments.

• Episode 365: Closing Time
  The Collins family’s go-to solution—a seance—is invoked again, highlighting recurring plot devices for problem-solving.

• Episode 366: The Phantom Menace
  Victoria’s journey into the past is described as “strange and terrifying,” promising a show redefinition and character reboot.

• Episode 367: Making History
  Vicki’s 1795 awakening and universal dislike sets up a time-travel narrative with immediate social and historical conflicts.

• Episode 368/369: A Wicked Woman
  Angelique’s 1795 arrival is declared transformative, ending “nothing will ever be the same,” emphasizing her disruptive, central role.

• Time Travel, part 1: Mist Opportunities
  A Thanksgiving pre-emption special shifts focus to the 1991 Dark Shadows revival’s first episode, jumping timelines both in-show and meta-narratively.

• Episode 370: A Woman Scorned
  Angelique’s anger manifests in toy soldier violence, showcasing her vengeful nature and magical outbursts.

• Episode 371: Damn the Torpedoes
  Vicki’s time travel mechanics inquiry is humorously framed as atypical for soap operas, highlighting the show’s genre-bending elements.

• Episode 372: Another Country
  Angelique’s spell on Ben Stokes creates a reluctant henchman, adding to her growing power and influence over Collinsport.

• Episode 373: The Devil Wears Prada
  Ben’s first day with Angelique involves ambitious objectives and “hat parties,” blending corporate satire with gothic absurdity.

• Episode 374: The Wedding Presence
  Ben’s passive role as Angelique delivers self-aggrandizing TED talks emphasizes her dominant personality and theatrical villainy.

[](Angelique Bouchard in Dark Shadows Episode 373)

December 1967

• Episode 375: Dangerous Liaisons
  Angelique stage-manages Josette and Jeremiah’s infidelity, showcasing her manipulative skills and orchestrating drama.

• Episode 376: Card Tricks
  Tarot cards become a plot accelerator in a story stuck in neutral, highlighting the show’s reliance on mystical devices for narrative momentum.

• Episode 377: Speed Dating
  Love spells and gold-digging converge as Josette and Jeremiah are magically drawn together, and Nathan pursues Millicent’s wealth.

• Episode 378: Resistance Is Useful
  Angelique turns Joshua into a cat, offering “something for everyone,” especially lovers of “deeply goofy television shows.”

• Episode 379: Nine Lives to Live
  Nathan’s advances towards Vicki and Joshua’s continued feline form blend romantic pursuit with ongoing magical transformations.

• Episode 380: Something Borrowed
  Barnabas and Josette’s “traditional soap opera wedding” is humorously framed as generic, despite its supernatural context.

• Episode 381: Runaway Bride
  Barnabas’s search for Josette and Jeremiah leads to encounters with “black box experimental theater,” blending gothic pursuit with avant-garde absurdity.

• Episode 382: A Witch in Time
  Abigail’s suspicions about the cat and Vicki’s strangeness prove accurate, validating her insights and character intuition.

• Episode 383: The Newlywed Game
  A toast to the unhappy couple precedes their “first and only dance,” foreshadowing marital doom with dark humor.

• Episode 384: Life After Love
  Barnabas duels Jeremiah and asks a family-shattering question, escalating conflict and familial discord.

• Episode 385: The End of History
  Reverend Trask’s witch accusation against Vicki and subsequent hollering dominate the episode, emphasizing character extremism.

• Episode 386: Make Like a Tree
  Reverend Trask’s bizarre tree-tying of Vicki is presented as crazy but with potential direction, humorously anticipating plot developments.

[](Reverend Trask and Joshua Collins in Dark Shadows Episode 387)

• Episode 387: Truth or Dare
  Angelique and Reverend Trask’s compatibility is likened to a “house on fire,” with a follow-up on the nature of burning houses.

• Episode 388: The Bad Ideas
  Barnabas confides in Angelique about Josette and Jeremiah, humorously highlighting poor judgment and romantic missteps.

• Episode 389: It’s Complicated
  Angelique’s disappointment with Barnabas leads to voodoo retaliation, emphasizing her volatile emotional and magical responses.

• Episode 390/391: The Princess
  Barnabas tries to avoid marrying Angelique, setting up a predictable but dramatically engaging conflict.

• Time Travel, part 2: Blood, Sweat and Tears
  A Christmas pre-emption special reviews Dark Shadows revival episode 2, noting sunlit nights, dead subtext, and House of Dark Shadows origins.

• Episode 392: Christmas Stalking
  “Fear not! For behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all my people” is ironically applied to Christmas stalking, blending holiday cheer with sinister undertones.

• Episode 393: Tell Them We Are Rising
  Pre-zombie era, Jeremiah’s grave emergence prompts questions about pre-Romero undead representations.

• Episode 394: Rules of Engagement
  Angelique’s zombie-raising and heart-stopping powers contrast with her inability to deal with Abigail, humorously highlighting character-specific weaknesses.

• Episode 395: Cleaning House
  Yelling dominates 1795, emphasizing the dramatic intensity and emotional volume of the storyline.

January 1968

• Episode 396: Dialogue of the Dead
  Angelique’s zombie Jeremiah creation leads to his inability to rest, humorously depicting undead insomnia.

• Episode 397: Lord of the Flies
  Angelique’s Z-Jay haunting continues, underscoring the consequences of her magical actions.

• Episode 398: No Rest for the Wicked
  Guest blogger Charlie Mason confronts Angelique, blending meta-commentary with in-narrative interactions.

• Episode 399: Hide and Seek
  A whole episode dedicated to Vicki-searching leads to her absence, humorously highlighting wasted efforts and typical narrative misdirection.

• Episode 400: Playing with Fire
  Angelique and Reverend Trask’s actions lead to the metaphorical burning down of the entire show, foreshadowing dramatic climax.

• Episode 401: Bewitched
  Darrin’s Bewitched reference humorously imagines a world where he and Angelique never met, crossing sitcoms with gothic soap opera.

• Episode 402: Plan A
  Barnabas’s “best way to deal with problems” is poisoning sherry, underscoring his violent and simplistic problem-solving methods.

• Episode 403: But I Loved You, and Other Excuses
  Barnabas holding a knife to Angelique doesn’t deter her sales pitch, emphasizing her relentless, almost comedic, villainy.

• Episode 404: Oh My God, Vicki Is an Idiot
  Vicki’s witchcraft accusation and inept defense are humorously highlighted, featuring “the Worst Actor Who Ever Appeared on Dark Shadows.”

[](Barnabas Collins as a Bat in Dark Shadows Episode 406)

• Episode 405: Ever After
  “Curse Day” culminates in Barnabas shooting Angelique and her cursing him with eternal life, marking a pivotal, curse-originating event.

• Episode 406: Unbreak My Heart
  Ben finds both Angelique and Barnabas bleeding out, humorously depicting a chaotic aftermath of their violent confrontation.

• Episode 407: Bram Stoker’s I Love Lucy
  Angelique’s post-murder-attempt bloodstain struggles are likened to I Love Lucy, blending domestic comedy with gothic aftermath.

• Episode 408: A Compromising Physician
  Another medical school dropout makes a haunted house call, highlighting the questionable medical expertise within Collinsport.

• Episode 409: Spoilers
  Josette and Natalie obtain an episode guide, humorously breaking the fourth wall and referencing meta-narrative awareness.

• Episode 410: Nightfall
  A poem about vampire curses is quoted, setting a gothic tone and foreshadowing impending doom.

• Episode 411: Other People’s Blood
  The mystery box is reopened, unleashing “something terrible,” reiterating box-opening as a plot-initiating device.

• Episode 412: You’ve Got to Believe Me
  Vicki’s trial under “soap opera justice” involves everyone stating their thoughts aloud until someone cries, humorously critiquing melodramatic legal proceedings.

• Episode 413: The New Black
  Sarah’s pajama run to the cemetery humorously questions Collinsport’s geography, with the graveyard seemingly next door.

• Episode 414: That Thing You Do
  Barnabas’s dockside bite is casually mentioned amidst a “rough week for Collinsport women,” blending vampire horror with mundane town life.

• Episode 415: Closing the Loop
  Sarah Collins being alive is presented as a “developing situation,” humorously emphasizing the show’s ever-shifting character fates.

• Episode 416: Stone Cold
  Another funeral and a vampire suicide pact are noted, with dark humor about the show becoming “a little morbid lately.”

• Episode 417: Too Soon
  Ron Sproat’s scripts are critiqued, alongside a “Convenient Rooster” return, blending writer-specific critique with recurring absurdities.

• Episode 418: A Dark and Stormy Night (Varney the Vampire, part 1)
  Ron Sproat avoidance leads to “emergency backup plan”—Varney the Vampire, blending meta-critique with literary deep dives.

[](Angelique and Josette in Dark Shadows Episode 418)

February 1968

• Episode 419: Lose My Number
  Josette’s clinginess prompts an explanation of why Twilight is “the worst story in the world,” blending show critique with pop culture commentary.

• Episode 420: The Stalking Dead
  Suki Forbes’s hat-entrance is noted, highlighting character entrances and dramatic reveals.

• Episode 421: Bird Planes
  Josette’s song and neck wound combine musicality with vampire violence, typical of the show’s tonal juxtapositions.

• Episode 422: Confining Women
  Ron Sproat’s recurring trope of locking women in rooms is critiqued, urging him to “develop other interests.”

• Episode 423: Twisted
  Plot contrivances replace romance, humorously listing several in a row, emphasizing narrative absurdity over romantic depth.

• Episode 424: Pursued By a Bear
  Subplots ricocheting “all over the place” capture the chaotic, multi-threaded nature of Dark Shadows narratives.

• Episode 425: Jump Street
  Josette’s flying leap is bluntly stated, highlighting dramatic cliffhangers and character fates.

• Episode 426: Rosencrantz & Guildenstern
  B-story steals the show from the “royal family,” suggesting narrative imbalance and unexpected plot strengths.

• Episode 427: Disorder in the Court
  The “Collinsport Imaginary Witchcraft Court” is now in session, blending legal drama with fantastical absurdity.

• Episode 428: Duel It Yourself
  Soap operas’ inability to do decent murder mysteries is explained, humorously critiquing genre limitations.

• Episode 429: Destruction, Everywhere
  Dark Shadows “invents slash fiction,” alongside Barnabas’s “very worst idea ever,” blending unexpected genre innovation with character ineptitude.

• Episode 430: Dark Conquest
  Disney World two-part episode potential is humorously considered, blending pop culture wish fulfillment with show possibilities.

[](Barnabas Collins Bites Abigail Collins in Dark Shadows Episode 432)

• Episode 431: The Catcher in the Rye
  Barnabas as an “eternal moody adolescent” moving back into his parents’ basement humorously recontextualizes vampire angst.

• Episode 432: The Age of Kaiju
  Barnabas’s future is questioned after three months of past investigation, prompting narrative direction concerns.

• Episode 433: Law of the Jungle
  TV trial scene competence varies, with Dark Shadows humorously placed among the “don’t” examples.

• Episode 434: Down Our Throats
  Nathan’s lie interrogation is deemed uninteresting despite location changes, humorously critiquing static dialogue scenes.

• Episode 435: Next Stop Kansas
  Third trial episode in a row prompts Dorothy reference and calls for plot resolution, humorously urging narrative progression.

• Episode 436: Quivering with Emotion (Varney the Vampire, part 2)
  “Witchcraft jail” release is declared, blending meta-commentary with literary allusions and genre escape.

• Episode 437: There’s Just Us
  Female character expression in 1968 prompts anticipation of predictable negative outcomes, highlighting gendered narrative constraints.

• Episode 438: Drag Me to Hell
  Barnabas’s “Powers of Darkness membership kit” and new tormenting tricks are noted, blending supernatural toolkits with character villainy.

• Episode 439: Something About That Hate
  February 1968 context—Beatles in India, yet Dark Shadows most popular show—questions audience appeal of Reverend assassination plots.

[](Skull and Reverend Trask in Dark Shadows Episode 438)

March 1968

• Episode 440: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Vampires
  Barnabas violating “crime rules” by leaving identifiable accessories behind is humorously critiqued, blending vampire villainy with ineptitude.

• Episode 441: Weekend at Maudie’s
  Show quality shift from “ridiculous to even more ridiculous” is humorously noted, embracing camp and absurdity.

• Episode 442: Cask Party
  Poe quote introduces “nervous—very, very dreadfully nervous,” blending literary horror with melodramatic tension.

• Episode 443: Fan Club
  1795 storyline “running out of characters” leads to prop-carrying filler, highlighting narrative stagnation and resource depletion.

• Episode 444: Anatomy of a Speed Bump
  Noah Gifford as “world’s worst henchman” exemplifies time-filling with inept character introductions.

• Episode 445: Generation Gap
  1968 rules inversion—kids as tyrants, tyrant as truth-seeker—emphasizes Dark Shadows’ non-conformist narrative.

[](Joshua Collins Finds Barnabas Collins in Coffin in Dark Shadows Episode 446)

• Episode 446: The Son Also Rises
  Joshua finds Barnabas in his coffin, prompting “Let’s go out there and change some games,” foreshadowing plot upheaval.

• Episode 447: My Family, and Other Crazed Animals
  Joshua/Barnabas conversation continues “with no end in sight,” humorously depicting extended dialogue scenes.

• Episode 448: Fight the Tower
  “We get some new architecture,” drily notes set design changes, emphasizing minimal plot progression.

• Episode 449: Something Nasty in the Woodshed
  Rituals, locked rooms, vampire attacks, magical portraits—episode “has everything, except sense,” embracing chaotic plot elements.

• Episode 450: Scary Godmother
  Bathia Mapes’s name itself is deemed nonsensical, highlighting the show’s commitment to bizarre character names.

• Episode 451: Exorcise in Futility
  “We now join this exorcism, already in progress,” humorously depicts mid-action entry and exorcism ineffectiveness.

• Episode 452: The Great Escape
  “Oh, great! More of this,” drily notes audience exhaustion with repetitive plot elements.

• Episode 453: Born to Run
  “Who’s up for a good old-fashioned teens on the run story?” ironically poses a tired trope with Dark Shadows context.

• Episode 454: Mission: Impossible
  Vicki finally grasping time travel is described as “Mission: Impossible,” humorously exaggerating character slowness.

• Episode 455: Food and Medicine and a Plan
  Vicki pointing a loaded gun at a child “for basically the entire episode” highlights extreme character actions and plot escalation.

• Episode 456: An Illogical Explanation
  1795’s final week features characters moving to a “new level of nonsensical behavior,” demanding “illogical explanation.”

• Episode 457: Misdirection
  Dan Curtis directing for the first time is framed as “Take Your Executive Producer to Work Day,” blending behind-the-scenes with in-narrative events.

• Episode 458: Don’t Love Me
  Naomi’s poison lemonade hit is casually mentioned, humorously downplaying attempted murder with drinking references.

• Episode 459: Nathan Forbest Must Die
  “It’s time for a showdown,” declares inevitable climax, blending Western tropes with gothic melodrama.

• Episode 460: Eats, Shoots and Leaves
  Chained coffin secret reveal is “not what we expected,” humorously undercutting typical horror expectations with mundane surprises.

[](Victoria Winters Motionless in Dark Shadows Episode 461)

April 1968

• Episode 461: Leave Me Hanging
  Present day return “exactly where we left it four months ago” humorously highlights stalled timelines and narrative resets.

• Episode 462: No Place Like Home
  Julia’s haircut is “most important event since Barnabas climbed out of the mystery box,” comically exaggerating mundane character developments.

• Episode 463: Meanwhile, in the Past
  “Five female characters to mess with Barnabas,” surrounding and unbalancing him in unpredictable ways.

• Episode 464: First Wife’s Club
  Professor Stokes, another “lunatic,” joins the “menagerie,” emphasizing chaotic character additions.

• Episode 465: The Best of All Possible Worlds
  Barnabas’s Vicki amnesia prompts “What makes you think this is the same Barnabas?” questioning character continuity and identity.

• Episode 466: Welcome to the Hellmouth
  Barnabas and Vicki’s car crash leads “into a whole new storyline,” introducing Dr. Eric Lang, “the Worst Actor Who Ever Appeared on Dark Shadows.”

• Episode 467: Physician, **** Thyself
  Dr. Lang’s scenery-chewing is noted, highlighting over-the-top performances and acting styles.

• Episode 468: The Odd Couple
  Dr. Lang’s “reign of terror” continues, with a “super creepy interest in Vicki,” blending villainy with unsettling character dynamics.

• Episode 469: Dr. No
  Dr. Lang pretending to be smarter than Julia is foreshadowed with “There will be consequences,” setting up character clashes and power dynamics.

• Episode 470: Mad Men
  “It’s just Vicki and four guys today, each one nuttier than the last,” humorously emphasizes character eccentricity and Vicki’s chaotic social circle.

• Episode 471: A Farewell to Arms
  Dark Shadows comparison to The Munsters or The Addams Family is posed, questioning genre placement and comedic vs. spooky leanings.

• Episode 472: Lethal Weapon
  Barnabas and Julia’s non-Barnabas-Julia conversation and harpoon attack blend character development with sudden violence.

[](Cassandra Collins Portrait in Dark Shadows Episode 474)

• Episode 473: The Twin Dilemma
  “Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce to you the new Mrs. Collins,” introduces a new character with dramatic flair.

• Episode 474: You Only Live Twice
  Angelique’s twin switch is “not the silliest thing”—cat-turning still tops it—but “in the top three,” ranking her magical antics.

• Episode 475: Witch Doctor
  Professor Stokes is loud, disruptive, and “plays to the balcony,” humorously critiquing theatrical acting styles.

• Episode 476: Monster Mash
  Dr. Lang offers Barnabas “opportunity of a lifetime. Two lifetimes, actually,” blending mad science with vampire immortality.

• Episode 477: We’ve Warned You
  Angelique introduces “Dream Curse,” promising a thrilling new storyline and supernatural threat.

• Episode 478: What Dreams May Come
  “The Dream Curse begins!” declares new plot arc, setting up narrative focus on dream-based horror.

• Episode 479: Face/Off
  “So, okay. Jeff’s crotch. Let’s start there,” humorously directs focus to bizarre and unexpected episode elements.

• Episode 480: One More Life
  “Can Julia Hoffman be nerfed?” questions character power balance and potential narrative adjustments.

• Episode 481: Remember Someone
  High-stakes cliffhanger resolution is undermined by Barnabas tripping on word two, humorously deflating dramatic tension.

• Episode 482: Witches Be Crazy
  Episode elements are listed—fashion, shouting, rummaging, dreaming, doors, neckties—emphasizing chaotic variety and recurring motifs, especially “neckties.”

May 1968

• Episode 483: Free Willie
  Barnabas and Julia “rewrite some history,” highlighting their manipulative control over narrative and past events.

• Episode 484: Chekhov’s Gun
  “Another turn on the Dream Curse merry-go-round” humorously depicts cyclical plot structures and recurring motifs.

• Episode 485: A Huge Naked Dead Guy
  “Today’s the day we’ve all been waiting for—it’s Experiment Day!” ironically builds anticipation for bizarre mad science outcomes.

• Episode 486: If They Both Live
  Experiment success is declared “unbelievable,” humorously anticipating Nobel Prize acceptance speeches for mad science achievements.

• Episode 487: Precious Moments
  “Time-wasting episode about characters worried they’re wasting time” is self-aware critique of filler episodes and narrative stagnation.

• Episode 488: Pretty People in Terrible Trouble
  “Another Great Moment in Monster Medicine” humorously highlights recurring mad science and monster-related medical emergencies.

• Episode 489: Bein’ Green
  “Look out—David’s back, and he’s got a Nehru jacket,” blending character return with 1960s fashion references.

[](Adam, The Huge Naked Dead Guy, in Dark Shadows Episode 485)

• Episode 490: What to Expect When You’re Expecting
  “Well, God’s domain isn’t going to tamper in itself,” blends divine intervention with mundane pregnancy expectations.

• Sam Hall: In appreciation
  A tribute to Sam Hall, “the greatest Dark Shadows writer,” marking writer appreciation and behind-the-scenes focus.

• Episode 491: The Wonder Years
  “New Normal: a vampire, mad scientist gal pal, Frankenchild” humorously redefines family unit in Dark Shadows context.

• Episode 492: The Terrible Twos
  Barnabas and Julia’s “first crisis as new parents” humorously frames monster parenting with everyday parental challenges.

• Episode 493: Revenge of the Baby-Sat
  Servants as child-raisers is humorously stated, reflecting class dynamics and convenient childcare solutions.

• Episode 494: To Your Teeth (Varney the Vampire, part 3)
  Another Varney trip back to 1845 explores “strange origins of vampire fiction,” blending literary history with show analysis.

• Episode 495: The Talking Dead
  Dark Shadows “finally picks a side,” humorously suggesting taking a stance in zombie debates.

• Episode 496: Father of the Year
  “No logical reason why these people would be talking” leads to “jolly soap opera writers” impossibility, humorously critiquing illogical character interactions.

• Episode 497: Frid’s Big Week
  Jonathan Frid’s week-long promo trip to discover “true darkness at the heart of America” is specifically the “Glenbrook Shopping Mall.”

• Episode 498: Diff’rent Strokes
  “Four words that can topple civilizations: Barnabas has a plan,” humorously warns against Barnabas’s schemes and predictable failures.

• Episode 499: A Senior Moment
  Cassandra aging to a crisp is bluntly stated, humorously depicting rapid aging and character disposal.

• Episode 500: Really Big Brother
  Willie’s “greatest challenge: Babysitter of the Damned” humorously frames babysitting a monster as a monumental task.

• Episode 501: Say My Name
  “Barnabas, Barnabas, you’re not thinking. Oh, Barnabas! Let him disappear! Barnabas!” humorously laments character impulsivity and poor decisions.

• Episode 502: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
  “Oh, like you’ve never had a weird first date,” normalizes bizarre Dark Shadows dating scenarios with relatable experiences.

• Episode 503: Lock Her Up
  Ron Sproat’s writing is questioned: “Threat, or menace?” humorously critiquing writer-specific plot trends.

• Episode 504: The Ladykiller
  Dark Shadows romance novels are “in their own unique bubble of lunacy,” humorously highlighting spinoff absurdity.

• Episode 505: The Sinking Detective
  Dark Shadows police inadequacy combines “soap opera cops with monster movie cops,” humorously critiquing law enforcement incompetence.

[](Willie Loomis, Adam, and Chicken in Dark Shadows Episode 500)

June 1968

• Episode 506: After the Fall
  Carolyn’s recovery and “this week’s ordeal” humorously depict cyclical character suffering and plot repetition.

• Episode 507: The Spirit of St. George
  “I’m holding out for a hero,” humorously anticipates heroic intervention, likely in vain.

• Episode 508: Dream Beater
  Professor Stokes exposes Dream Curse as “extended knock-knock joke,” humorously deflating storyline suspense.

• Time Travel, part 3: Blood Chemistry
  Revival episode 3 reviewed, noting “Hot tentacles stretch upwards!” humorously emphasizing bizarre visuals.

• Episode 509: Blind Date
  Sam transforms into a “magical charity elf,” humorously depicting character transformation and plot absurdity.

• Episode 510: Some Enchanted Evening
  “Assume visitor is planning to murder you,” humorously advises Dark Shadows hospitality best practices.

• Episode 511: Séance Fiction
  Professor Stokes “makes a very big mistake,” foreshadowing character error and negative consequences.

• Episode 512: Everybody Rise
  Jonathan Frid’s “worst nightmare: chained up, can’t see teleprompter,” humorously blends actor anxieties with in-show constraints.

[](Professor Stokes in Dark Shadows Episode 513)

• Episode 513: Thirty Two Short Films About Episode 513
  “Try not to panic, Mr. Peterson. Something has gone wrong,” blends film references with in-show disaster anticipation.

• Episode 514: That Endless Summer
  Dark Shadows “more complicated than The Sopranos” humorously exaggerates soap opera complexity over prestige TV.

• Episode 515: When Adam Attacks
  Police seeking “tall, dark man with limited vocabulary and wardrobe” humorously describes Adam and half of Collinsport men.

• Episode 516: The Unimmured
  Barnabas disappears in “extreme home makeover,” but Julia and Willie rescue “former tormentor and new best friend,” highlighting character shifts and plot twists.

• Episode 517: Burn Notice
  Cassandra determined to “wreck Elizabeth’s day,” while Trask is “on witch’s trail,” blending domestic drama with supernatural pursuit.

• Episode 518: In Memoriam
  Meditation on death, loss, renewal, teleprompters—eclectic episode themes blend existential reflection with production realities.

• Episode 519: Ex Wife
  Cassandra and Trask “go head to head in full-on kaiju battle,” humorously escalating witch-ghost conflict to monster movie scale.

• Episode 520: What Dead People Do
  Barnabas and Julia’s Cassandra/Trask wrap-up is likened to “post-game wrap-up on ESPN,” blending supernatural conflict with sports analysis. Liz’s drinking problem also noted.

• Episode 521: Look Who’s Talking
  Barnabas and Julia as “junior detectives” on Cassandra’s trail, while Stokes “home-schools Frankenstein,” blending detective tropes with mad science education.

• Episode 522: Brother From Another
  Nicholas Blair “walks onto set, takes over,” prompting “Who the Hell is this guy?” humorously acknowledging character dominance.

• Episode 523: The Devil You Know
  Nicholas struts around, “puts Reverend Trask in his place,” emphasizing character power dynamics and villainous hierarchies.

• Episode 524: Dead Man Walking
  Jeff/Vicki storyline wrapped up in “twenty-eight seconds. Then it’s unwrapped again,” humorously highlights plot disposability and recycling.

July 1968

• Episode 525: The Blair Witch Project
  Nicholas using “dark forces of daytime television production” to find Cassandra is meta-commentary on show’s production limitations.

• Episode 526: Nothing But Vengeance
  Nicholas turning ashes into a person, then doing “performance review” is “a baller,” praising character power and audacity.

• Episode 527: Ride, Car, House.
  “Performance art piece in one act” drily describes minimalist, plotless episode.

• Episode 528: This Tawdry Affair
  Nicholas and Cassandra’s strategy session becomes “film noir sequence straight out of The Maltese Falcon,” blending genres and styles.

• Episode 529: Missing Adventures
  Adventure under the sea in Gold Key’s Dark Shadows comic book, shifting focus to spinoff media.

• Episode 530: Requiem for a Dream
  Dream Curse storyline hurtles towards “spine-tingling conclusion. Not really,” humorously undercutting dramatic build-up with anti-climax.

• Episode 531: The Interpretation of Dreams
  “The girl from the dream is dreaming again,” humorously reiterates cyclical dream sequences and plot repetition.

• Episode 532/533: In Darkest Hour
  Barnabas offers Cassandra Dream Curse end, prompting desire for her acceptance, humorously urging plot resolution.

• Episode 534: The Scene of the Crime
  Carolyn finds Adam in root cellar, “killing time between sprees,” blending character quirks with downtime activities.

[](Barnabas Collins Illuminated in Dark Shadows Episode 535)

• Episode 535: The Point of Return
  “Clinical notes of Dr. Julian Hoffman, ABC Daytime” humorously frames episode review as medical session, blending meta-commentary with character analysis.

• Episode 536: Advance Directives
  Barnabas dead, Julia and Willie dare each other to stake him, alongside “televisual literacy lesson,” blending dark humor with audience engagement.

• Episode 537: Life Without Barnabas
  Julia and Willie’s “existential dilemma” is Dark Shadows version of Waiting for Godot, blending absurdist drama with gothic soap opera.

• Episode 538: The Shaggy Dog
  Julia burying Barnabas then digging him up is “not a scaleable business plan,” humorously critiquing repetitive plot devices.

• Episode 539: Grieve a Little Grieve
  Barnabas “dead (not really),” Nicholas comforts Vicki “(not really),” humorously undercutting emotional stakes.

• Episode 540: Mission: Inscrutable
  Writers’ failure to figure out Angelique’s post-Dream Curse role is noted, highlighting narrative aimlessness.

• Episode 541: Death of a MacGuffin
  Dr. Lang’s tape recording, Maltese Falcon, Ark of Covenant, and “champion of all MacGuffins—the pen” are listed, analyzing plot device significance.

• Episode 542: The Diary of Anne Frankenstein
  Adam’s character duality—vicious monster or sensitive grad student?—is humorously posed, questioning character consistency.

• Episode 543: The Trouble with Harry
  Mrs. Johnson’s son Harry is played by “least likeable actor in Dark Shadows history,” bluntly critiquing casting choices.

• Episode 544: The Facts of Life
  Adam’s “Green-Skinned Space Babe maneuver” on Carolyn uses “classic reverse-Kirk formation,” blending sci-fi references with character actions.

• Episode 545: Teacher’s Pet
  Nicholas Blair has “new project,” while Angelique “gropes for something substantial to do,” highlighting character motivations and narrative direction.

• Episode 546: A Little Bored
  General Hospital and Dark Shadows “basically the same show” is declared, blending soap opera critique with genre comparisons.

• Episode 547: Justice in Hell
  Dark Shadows and General Hospital comparison continues, part 2, further exploring genre similarities and differences.

• Episode 548: Bleak Lives Matter
  Nicholas turning Angelique into a prune is his next trick, humorously depicting villainous transformations and character fates.

[](Angelique Collins with Axe in Dark Shadows Episode 546)

August 1968

• Episode 549: Take What You Want
  Adam’s homeschooling takes a “dark turn,” foreshadowing sinister educational methods and plot developments.

• Episode 550: The Afternoon After
  Carolyn’s Adam assault and Stokes’s consultation blend assault aftermath with character reactions and advice seeking.

• Episode 551: Cruel World
  Adam’s storyline dominance prompts review of Barnabas’s post-1795 actions, questioning character focus and narrative balance.

• Episode 552: Hooked on Phonics
  Adam’s “new things to say, new vocabulary” humorously notes character evolution and linguistic development.

• Episode 553: What Not to Do
  Vicki trapped in Adam’s room, “and so are we, apparently forever,” humorously depicts plot stagnation and audience entrapment.

• Episode 554: Fresh Blood
  Vampire show without vampire prompts “What do you do?” humorously highlighting genre expectations and narrative challenges.

• Episode 555: All Tied Up
  Nicholas and Adam’s kidnapping governess plans are discussed in “dirty room,” blending villainous plotting with squalid settings.

• Episode 556: Apotheosis
  “Good-looking Deputy meets seductive lady vampire” as Dark Shadows “figures out what it’s for,” blending romance, horror, and genre self-discovery.

• Episode 557: A Race of Monsters
  Barnabas and Julia’s “Junior Detectives meeting” occurs amidst a “busy storyline,” blending character archetypes with plot progression.

• Episode 558: The Long, Hot Summer
  Civil Rights Movement connection to Bride of Frankenstein is explored, blending social commentary with film analysis.

• Episode 559: Everything You Deserve
  Nicholas, Joe, Maggie battle for “most interesting person in the scene,” humorously depicting character competition and scene dominance.

• Episode 560: Messing Around with Dead People
  “Woe unto them that seek deep to hide their counsel from the Lord,” quotes biblical warning against meddling with the supernatural.

[](Angelique and Joe Haskell in Dark Shadows Episode 561)

• Episode 561: The Big Sleep
  Angelique luring Joe into clutches is likened to The Maltese Falcon, blending noir references with gothic seduction.

• Episode 562: He’s Just Not That Into Being Supernaturally Controlled By You
  “Pretty boy in peril” motif examined as Angelique turns Joe into “hunk of meat,” highlighting character vulnerability and objectification.

• Episode 563: A Sense of Themselves
  32 things liked about episode listed, focusing on “pretty boys in peril” and “Miss Beverly Atkinson,” blending detailed appreciation with specific character focus.

• Episode 564: Dig Dug
  Barnabas, Julia, Willie’s “family outing at the cemetery” humorously depicts morbid family activities.

• Episode 565: Weird Science
  Barnabas and Julia argue “which storyline to care about,” humorously acknowledging narrative confusion and viewer choice.

• Another New Beginning (Bloodlust)
  Irresponsible time-travelers summon “fresh nightmare,” reviewing Big Finish audio drama with meta-narrative framing.

• Episode 566: The Hangover
  Barnabas tries to figure out Julia’s vampire victim status, blending amnesia tropes with vampire transformations.

• Episode 567: The Show Goes On
  Adam throws Jeff “head-first onto part of set you shouldn’t be thrown at,” prompting concern for actor safety amidst chaotic action.

• Episode 568: Do You Want Vicki to Die
  Jeff finds secret murder lab, winds up in “involuntary late-night job interview,” blending horror discovery with mundane workplace scenarios.

• Episode 569: Liz Misérables
  Elizabeth cursed, Julia vampire-bitten, they organize “intramural spookiness competition,” humorously depicting competitive suffering.

• Episode 570: Fridspeak Friday
  Barnabas tracks rogue vampires in “error-prone episode,” highlighting production challenges and actor struggles.

• The British Invasion (Bloodlust)
  Big Finish Dark Shadows audio drama, “because I have some and you might as well hear about them,” humorously justifies audio drama review inclusion.

September 1968

• Episode 571: Raising the Stakes
  Barnabas fights Tom in “Drac-on-Drac violence,” humorously depicting vampire-on-vampire combat clichés.

• Episode 572: Junior Detectives
  Barnabas and Julia play “favorite game” investigating House by the Sea, reiterating detective trope and character roles.

• Episode 573: This Strange Way That You’ve Been Behaving
  Joe, vampire-feeding strung out, asks Maggie to help “kick the habit,” blending addiction metaphors with vampire lore.

• Episode 574: Trade Secrets
  Gum cards offering Dark Shadows “life force” for five cents and gum are reviewed, blending merchandise analysis with show essence.

• Episode 575: Crazy Talk
  Show “just goes nuts again, with vampires, Frankenstein monsters, time travelers, grave-robbers,” embracing chaotic genre mashup.

• Episode 576: When They Think I’m Dead
  CBS moves Secret Storm to avoid Dark Shadows ratings juggernaut, humorously exaggerating show’s competitive dominance.

• Episode 577: Artificial Intelligence
  Carolyn and writers “don’t know what to do with Adam,” highlighting character aimlessness and plot uncertainty. “Bad planning is kind of an epidemic around here.”

• Episode 578: The Understudy
  “Something terrible has happened to Carolyn,” bluntly states character misfortune, setting up dramatic tension.

• Episode 579: Sproatinger’s Cat
  Jeff in basement with Barnabas about Vicki, Vicki upstairs with Julia about Stokes—episodic structure depicted as separated character interactions.

• Episode 580: Temporary Sanity
  Jeff forced to help build “another Frankenstein monster,” humorously reiterating mad science and forced labor tropes.

[](Angelique Collins Life Force Experiment in Dark Shadows Episode 581)

• Episode 581: Light My Fire
  Angelique’s life force experiment “doesn’t look like Frankenstein or soap opera,” but “so familiar?” humorously questioning visual genre blending.

• Episode 582: The Can’t Let Me Know What Scene
  “Barnabas wants an explanation,” sets up character demand for information and plot progression.

• Episode 583: Every Woman We Know
  Barnabas “body who gives life force will be…” cliffhanger ending builds suspense around character choice and sacrifice.

• Episode 584: The Fugitives
  Dark Shadows studio “even more fraught than usual,” episode “where they had to tape dress rehearsal,” blending production chaos with in-show drama.

• Episode 585: The War on Halloween
  Bride of Frankenstein story “dragging on,” ditch show for Dark Shadows board game, humorously prioritizing audience engagement over in-show narrative.

• Episode 586: The Invisible Woman
  Adam tries to murder Vicki “without much success,” humorously depicting monster ineptitude and character resilience.

• Episode 587: In Which I Just Can’t Even With This
  “How do you even begin to explain…?” questions episode absurdity—Frankenstein monster solitaire, vampire victim selection, emphasizing show’s inexplicable elements.

• Episode 588: Maggie Evidence
  Willie and Maggie “stuck in mausoleum, reviewing old business,” humorously depicts character stagnation and plot repetition.

• Episode 589: In the Fewest Words Possible
  Vicki tries to explain things to Roger “without much success,” humorously depicting character communication failures and narrative confusion.

• 13 Reasons Why You Should Buy “Bloodlust”
  Big Finish Dark Shadows audio drama miniseries “should be part of your life,” direct sales pitch humorously framed as personal recommendation.

• Episode 590: This Old House
  “Entire episode today is people arguing about whether they should go upstairs or downstairs,” humorously highlights plot minimalism and character indecision.

• Episode 591: The Sound of Science
  Barnabas and Julia rerun Bride of Frankenstein experiment, “this time with Carolyn in lead role,” humorously reiterating mad science and character recycling.

October 1968

• Episode 592: And the Walls Fell Down
  Adam trying to put Carolyn’s life force back is “like toothpaste back in tube. One-way street,” humorously depicts irreversible consequences.

• Episode 593: Missing Persons
  Adam on way to “massacre entire family,” Barnabas’s reaction: “drinks glass of water,” humorously undercuts dramatic threat with mundane response.

• Episode 594: Weak Shoddy Adversary
  Nicholas summons “most evil woman in history” for Bride’s life force, uses “Satanic power of anagrams,” blending villainous excess with comedic absurdity.

• Episode 595: Electric Ladyland
  Julia flips switches, twiddles knobs, “brings Adam’s mate to life,” humorously depicts mad science creation as simple operation.

• Episode 596: The Spook Fortress
  Eve opens eyes—“experiment success!”—Stokes has “disturbing newsflash from refrigerator door,” blending mad science triumph with mundane interruption.

• Episode 597: The Three Faces of Eve
  Stokes suspicious of Eve, she refuses questions, “just stands around looking unhinged,” emphasizing character mystery and unstable nature.

• Episode 598: The Great Sproat Caper
  Carolyn, David, Stokes “caught up in whirlwind of post-plot development retcons,” humorously acknowledges narrative revisions and writer-driven plot shifts.

• Episode 599: Live, Die, Repeat
  Maggie escapes mausoleum, show makes “mad dash for reset button,” humorously depicts narrative backtracking and status quo restoration.

[](Eve with Crazy Eyes in Dark Shadows Episode 597)

• Episode 600: The Mate That Fate Had Me Created For
  Eve resents Nicholas’ plan, “because she’s awesome,” Barnabas, Julia, Stokes hold seance, “because ditto,” humorously contrasts monster agency with seance trope.

• Episode 601: The Last Days of Ron Sproat
  “Chaos on screen and off” as Curtis, Sproat, Hall “tug-of-war with show,” blending production turmoil with in-narrative conflict.

• Episode 602: The Neuralyzer
  Nicholas stabs table, watches TV on “smartmirror,” pranks Jeff, “generally acts like a boss,” praising villainous actions with modern slang.

• Episode 603: Television Without Pity
  Roger smashes Elizabeth’s “toy mausoleum,” humorously depicting character outbursts and symbolic destruction.

• Episode 604: The Sedating Game
  Elizabeth “dies temporarily,” everyone “gets all uptight about it,” humorously downplaying soap opera death and overreaction.

• Episode 605: The Crazy World
  1968 pop culture side trip, “one-hit wonder wearing flaming hat,” blending period detail with niche cultural references.

• Episode 606: The Late Mrs. Collins
  Barnabas’s “worst nightmare—ex-wife wants to get back together,” humorously frames vampire ex-girlfriend scenario as relatable marital dread.

• Episode 607: In a World of Turtlenecks
  Adam, Joe, Tom, Jeff “displayed on sacrificial altar,” Julia performs “ritual that ends tyranny of turtlenecks forever,” blending fashion critique with ritualistic sacrifice.

• Episode 608: You Are My Someone
  Angelique summons Barnabas, “new blood slave,” orders him to “dispose of guy he’s replaced,” blending vampire servitude with romantic rivalry.

• Episode 609: Nobody Understands Dark Shadows But Me
  Eve tries to remember “why she knows about seasons,” humorously depicting monster confusion and basic knowledge gaps.

• Episode 610: Inexplicable You
  Eve recognizes Jeff as Peter Bradford, “who she loved in 18th century, apparently,” humorously highlighting reincarnation plot contrivances.

• Episode 611: The Love Object
  Eve comes over to “give Jeff a good stalking-to,” humorously depicting monster courtship and character obsessions.

• Episode 612: Reflections on the Golden Eye
  Saturday Evening Post explains Dark Shadows to America, blending media analysis with show’s mainstream recognition.

• Episode 613: Joe Haskell Must Die
  Julia catches Barnabas poisoning Joe, Barnabas explains “didn’t realize what time it was,” blending vampire murder attempts with time-blind excuses.

• Episode 614: Curtains, Foiled Again
  Halloween 1968, children watch “half-naked Joe throttle Barnabas with rope,” humorously blending holiday themes with violent content.

November 1968

• Episode 615: The Truth About Cats and Dogs
  Sheriff Patterson’s investigation “hits dead end as usual,” Julia makes “startling discovery,” blending cop incompetence with character agency.

• Episode 616: The Great 1968 Wrap-Up
  Barnabas buried again, Ron Sproat kicks off “new phase of narrative house-cleaning,” humorously depicts character disposal and writer-driven plot resets.

• Episode 617: Roger to the Rescue
  Roger catches Jeff and Eve in intimate garden moment, Jeff touches face “a lot,” not Roger’s, humorously notes awkward encounters and character tics.

• Episode 618: Stop Trying
  Angelique planning to turn Barnabas vampire “like she ever does anything else,” humorously reiterates repetitive villainous schemes.

• Episode 619: The Gunslinger
  Julia walks up to Devil, pokes eye, asks “why he’s being such a dick about it,” humorously depicts character audacity and irreverent tone.

• Episode 620: Sets and Violence
  Vicki brings Barnabas to “one place nobody will ever find them—west wing of Collinwood,” humorously critiques obvious hiding places.

• Episode 621: Better Than Medicine
  Julia wants to save Barnabas and make story “more interesting, not necessarily in that order,” blending character motivation with meta-narrative goals.

[](Eve and Angelique Argue in Dark Shadows Episode 622)

• Episode 622: Heated Arguments on Somebody Else’s Lawn
  Two women in gowns arguing about reincarnation and time travel is questioned for reality, blending surrealism with everyday settings.

• Episode 623: This Is Happening
  Eve time travels to 1795 “because she is crazy and reckless and there is no excuse for her behavior,” humorously blames character flaws for plot contrivances.

• Episode 624: Lost and Foundling
  Vicki and Liz prepare for “traditional, sentimental soap opera wedding,” signaling “utterly doomed” fate, humorously foreshadowing tragic outcomes.

• Episode 625: Cold Feet
  “Couple questions we need to ask” before Vicki/Jeff wedding, hinting at pre-wedding doubts and plot complications.

• Episode 626: The Amazing New Phenomenon
  Jeff digs up own casket, decides to “skip town,” humorously depicts character reactions to supernatural revelations.

• Episode 627: Bad Moon Rising
  “Great 1968 Wrap-Up puts on new burst of speed,” ushers out cast member, lets new one walk in, humorously depicts character turnover and plot pacing.

• Episode 628: Horrible Bosses
  Angelique descends to underworld “to tell Devil that Nicholas is being totally mean to her,” humorously frames underworld visit as workplace complaint.

• Episode 629: In Many Somber Colors
  Dark Shadows View-Master set presents “craziest show on Earth, in three dimensions,” blending merchandise tie-ins with show’s extreme nature.

• Episode 630: Vicki Ruins Everything
  New Vicki actress introduced, “whether you like it or not,” humorously acknowledges recast controversy and audience reception.

• Episode 631: The Goat
  New Vicki recast “really bad,” or “another reason” for Dark Shadows fans’ dislike?, questioning audience bias and performance critique.

• Episode 632: The Owl, the Raven and the Bat
  Dark Shadows “goes just about as crazy as possible,” presenting “Black Mass wedding ceremony, interrupted by werewolf kill,” embracing extreme gothic elements.

• Episode 633/634: All Our Dead Have Turned Into Skeletons
  “You say you want a revolution?” questions narrative upheaval and potential storyline overhauls.

• Time Travel, part 4: I Was Just Noticing Your Harpoon Collection
  Revival episode 4 reviewed, with “lady fire demons,” humorously emphasizing bizarre supernatural elements.

• Episode 635: One Damned Thing After Another
  Adam’s “last stand” ends as “we always knew he would, in hail of bullets, shouting, sedatives,” humorously depicts predictable monster demise.

[](Amy Jennings and David Collins Discover Something in Dark Shadows Episode 639)

December 1968

• Episode 636: The Missing Link
  “So whatever happened to Adam, anyway?” casually dismisses monster character fate, highlighting expendability.

• Episode 637: Bury Me a Little
  Jeff, post-Vicki wedding, “tugged back into past by mysterious ‘They’,” prompting “Who are They, what do They want?” setting up new mystery plot.

• Episode 638: Win a Date with Jonathan Frid
  Fall ’68: fourth estate notices Dark Shadows, Frid offered as “contest prize,” blending media attention with actor commodification.

• Episode 639: Vampire Excites Wives, Young Set
  “Homeless badass Amy Jennings busts out of asylum,” makes beeline for “biggest house she can find,” introducing new character with dramatic flair. Plus: Danny, age 14.

• Episode 640: Bad Wolf
  Chris Jennings “handsome, charming bad boy with heart of gold and secret sorrow. He’s also a serial killer, but only occasionally,” blending romantic tropes with serial killer reveal.

• Episode 641: Left Behind
  Ghost stories week begins, Vicki “clutching broken wristwatch,” trying to “commune with spirit world,” blending ghost theme with character actions.

• Episode 642: Mind Over Manners
  “Ghost Week ‘68’,” Stokes leads seance for Jeff, gets “wrong number,” contacts “different spirit,” blending seance trope with narrative misdirection.

• Episode 643: Interceding with Oscar
  “No plan about Quentin, Chris, werewolf curse,” Dark Shadows “never have a plan,” humorously admits plot-making by improvisation.

• Episode 644: Phoning It In
  David and Amy “entire day locked in room,” means “still letting Ron Sproat write episodes,” humorously critiques writer-specific plot limitations.

• Episode 645: Spirited Away
  Quentin’s ghost storyline “based on Turn of Screw,” but “everybody is misinformed,” humorously challenges common literary interpretations.

• Episode 646: The Turning
  Quentin Collins appears for “42 seconds,” “show will never be the same,” exaggerating character impact and narrative shift.

• Episode 647: The Wire
  David sets trap for father, “first step in Quentin’s descendant extermination program,” blending family drama with villainous plotting.

• Episode 648: Astral Disturbances
  Madame Janet Findley investigates “strange goings-on,” using “spirit guides, psychic readings, extravagant hand gestures,” blending psychic tropes with theatrical performance.

• Episode 649: The Rise and Fall
  Madame Janet Findley’s “flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long,” poetic character description foreshadows fleeting presence.

• Episode 650: Happily Ever Before
  Victoria Winters makes a wish on wristwatch, it comes true, “just in time for happy ending,” ironically undercutting happy endings with time travel wish fulfillment.

• X1: Barnabas Goes to the Circus
  “Odd little things I can’t fit into regular post,” two short stories from World of Dark Shadows, shifting to spinoff material for filler content.

• X2: Everything That Julia Says in Episode 361, in Alphabetical Order
  “If you’ve always wanted to see…” humorously presents niche, obsessive fan content in alphabetical Julia dialogue list.

• X3: Barnabas Collins and the Poetry Slam
  “Very literary entry today,” study and catalogue “three major schools of Dark Shadows poetry,” blending highbrow analysis with show’s unexpected artistic elements.

• X4: An Uncertain and Frightening Journey
  Markov chain text generator creates “perfect Dark Shadows opening narration,” blending tech experiment with show style parody.

• X5: That Troublesome Problem
  “Burning questions” answered—Sarah and London Bridge, Tony, Barnabas’ car accident—addressing fan queries and plot holes.

• Episode 651: Mother’s Little Helper
  Julia dispensing sedatives, Liz gloomy, Chris hiding from full moon, blending character actions with recurring themes.

• Episode 652/653: Kill the Moon
  Chris werewolf transformation saves audience from “Elizabeth’s depression,” humorously prioritizing werewolf action over character gloom.

• Time Travel, part 5: Consider Rhoda
  Dark Shadows pre-emption special discusses Mary Tyler Moore Show, shifting focus to sitcoms and genre contrast.

• Episode 654: Half-Hour of the Wolf
  Joe fights werewolf with scissors, “reckless disregard for young set,” werewolf greatness list, shirt removal, blending action, humor, and fan service.

• Episode 655: Accidentally Yours
  “Introduction to new supporting character, Barnabas the butler,” humorously redefines Barnabas’s role in domestic terms.

• Episode 656: Unspooky
  David and Amy’s “least spooky ‘spooky kid’ routine in history,” humorously critiques ineffective child horror performances.

• Episode 657: The Unpacking
  David and Amy try to trick grown-ups into haunted house belief, humorously depicting childish deception and ineffective haunting attempts.

[](Carolyn, Vicki, and Barnabas in a Photo in Dark Shadows Episode 659)

January 1969

• Episode 658: Did He Fall, or Was He Pushed?
  Saying goodbye to Joel Crothers, Joe “packed off to Windcliff,” humorously notes character exit and actor departure.

• Episode 659: Gone Girl
  Victoria Winters “follows prime directive, causing as much damage to space-time as possible,” considers ghosts, orphans, plane crashes, “true meaning of ‘time bomb’,” blending character critique with thematic exploration.

• Episode 660: The Secret to Time
  Barnabas, Julia, Stokes argue “how time works, in extremely Dark Shadows-y episode,” humorously emphasizes show’s pseudo-scientific and philosophical discussions.

• Episode 661: Greatest Hits
  Graveyard Barnabas tells Julia “story of time Dark Shadows tried to make clip show,” meta-narrative reflection on show’s self-referential tendencies.

• Episode 662: This Is the Night
  Barnabas time travels to 1796, meets “old enemy and new friend,” setting up time travel plot and character introductions.

• Episode 663: Being This Way Again
  Barnabas bites, writers “figure out what they’ve done wrong, where they want to go next,” blending vampire action with meta-narrative course correction.

• Episode 664: Sproat’s Last Stand
  Good writers “take time off,” Ron Sproat “babysits,” humorously depicts writer delegation and Sproat’s babysitting role.

• Episode 665: Vicki Ruins Everything (Reprise)
  Vicki and Peter’s “happy ending,” Barnabas and audience “stranded in wrong century,” humorously blames Vicki for narrative derailment.

• Episode 666: The Second Coming
  Julia and Willie bring Barnabas back “by clapping hands and wishing really, really hard,” humorously depicts deus ex machina plot resolutions.

• Episode 667: Take the Actors, Please
  TV Guide critic reviews “not one of the good weeks,” humorously acknowledges inconsistent episode quality and critical reception.

• Episode 668: The Aristocrats
  David and Amy dress up, “nobody has single interesting thing to say about it,” humorously critiques plotless filler scenes.

• Episode 669: My Boyfriend’s Back
  Mrs. Johnson cleans caretaker’s cottage, Quentin Collins “finally shows up for work again,” blending domestic tasks with character returns.

• Episode 670: Small World
  Chris moves into cottage, “far away from people, but maybe not quite far enough,” humorously foreshadows werewolf proximity and danger.

[](Werewolf and Cane in Dark Shadows Episode 673)

• Episode 671: The Phone Book of the Dead
  Liz in coffin knows “everything that’s going on,” werewolf “does famous mirror routine,” blending coffin omniscience with werewolf tropes.

• Episode 672: Werewolf By Night
  Wolf man stalks girlfriend through woods to tomb, “then all Hell breaks loose,” blending romantic pursuit with horror escalation.

• Episode 673: The Shambles
  Barnabas and Julia grab “all weapons they can find,” go “out looking for trouble,” humorously depicts proactive monster hunting.

• Episode 674: Donna of the Dead
  “Handsome, moody serial killer Chris Jennings” in “awkward social situation” resolved in “pain and blood,” blending romance, violence, and serial killer charm.

• Episode 675: The Unscooby Gang
  Barnabas and Julia “travel around, protecting monsters from those meddling kids,” reversing Scooby Doo trope with monster protection.

• Episode 676: Murder Club
  Barnabas invites Chris to “Murder Club, social network for monsters who kill people because sometimes you just can’t help it,” humorously frames monster community with social club jargon.

• Episode 677: Lycanthropology
  Dr. Hoffman catches up on Journal of Werewolf Medicine, blending mad science with academic research parodies.

• Episode 678: Chris Jennings Must Die
  Chris poisoned, Barnabas and Julia on scene, “not really a whodunnit; more of a whythehelldunnit,” humorously shifts mystery focus from perpetrator to motivation.

• Episode 679: The Not Happening
  Amy tries to “blow the whistle on haunted-house story,” runs into “unfortunate speed bumps,” humorously depicts child’s foiled attempts to reveal truth.

• Episode 680: The Room
  David’s bedroom “cool stuff” is focus, “seriously, that’s we’re doing today,” humorously acknowledges episode filler and set design focus.

February 1969

• Episode 681: Could He Talk?
  Quentin stops “skulking in shadows,” takes “place as major character. Is he ready?” questions character readiness for central role.

• Episode 682: The Four Maggies
  “Dark Shadows actually has four Maggies, most of them Vicki,” humorously highlights character confusion and actress recycling.

• Episode 683: The Very Last Ron Sproat Episode
  “Crucial turning point,” Ron Sproat “finally leaves show, and leaves my life,” humorously celebrates writer departure and personal relief.

• Episode 684: Barnabas Collins and the Mysterious Ghost
  “New era of Dark Shadows begins,” as always, “Barnabas Collins opening mystery box,” reiterates recurring plot device and narrative cycles.

• Episode 685: A Fish Called Ezra
  Miscommunications and mistaken identities as Dark Shadows discovers “second most important thing about Quentin,” building character mystery and plot progression.

• X1: What Does Barnabas Say After He Bites a Girl?
  Joke book excerpts from Barnabas Collins In a Funny Vein fill in for episode reviews, humorously blending parody with show content.

• X2: Why Did Barnabas Become a Vampire?
  More joke book excerpts, “jokes about blood banks,” enticingly described to maintain reader interest in joke book content.

• X3: What Does Barnabas Use in His Coffee?
  Joke book day 3, “some jokes about Wolfman,” humorously promotes joke book content with werewolf references.

• X4: Does Barnabas Ever Drink Milk?
  Joke book day 4, Barnabas “breaks free from Dark Shadows aesthetic,” becomes “one-man Addams Family,” humorously depicts character genre-bending and parody.

• X5: Why Did Barnabas Sell Fangs for a Dollar?
  Joke book week concludes with “most brain-scrambling jokes ever written,” humorously exaggerating joke quality and mental impact.

[](Professor Stokes and Quentin Collins in Mirror in Dark Shadows Episode 694)

• Episode 686: The Case of the Lifted Ledger
  “Another stranger expired in Collinwood drawing room,” “Junior Detectives swing into action,” humorously depicts recurring deaths and detective trope.

• Episode 687: You Remind Me of a Man
  “New friend shows up at Collinwood, with old face,” hints at character recycling and actor reuse.

• Episode 688: Mostly Charmless
  “Time stands still for awkward social encounters,” as characters cope with “tedious Roger Davis characters,” humorously critiques character introductions and actor presence.

• Episode 689: The First Theremin Era
  “Hot new single to drop: ‘The Barnabas Theme from Dark Shadows (An ABC TV Network Series)’,” blending music promotion with show soundtrack focus.

• Episode 690: Laugh Like a Man
  “‘Boys just don’t like jigsaw puzzles,’ and other thoughts from haunted house,” blends domestic observations with gothic settings.

• Episode 691: The Bechdel Test
  “Final phase of Siege of Collinwood begins,” Quentin “openly declares war on family. They don’t take it well,” foreshadows climax and character conflict.

• Episode 692: The New Mischief
  Maggie in love with Barnabas, demons possess David and Amy, Collinwood under “one of Beatles” sway—Paperback Library novel Barnabas Collins Versus Warlock plot summary.

• Episode 693: Sticks and Stokes
  Professor Stokes leads “exorcism of Collinwood” to save David, “huge success,” ironically undercutting exorcism effectiveness.

• Episode 694: The Surrender
  Collins family “abandoned Collinwood,” leaving it to “mad, cruel, aimlessly eccentric,” humorously depicts family defeat and gothic takeover.

• Episode 695: Exile
  Quentin’s ghost “taken over Collinwood,” living Collinses “living elsewhere,” emphasizes ghostly dominance and character displacement.

• Episode 696: House Hunters
  Quentin’s ghost “taken hostages,” Barnabas and Willie “mount rescue attempt,” armed with “flashlights and good intentions,” humorously depicts inept rescue mission.

• Episode 697: The Young and the Restless
  Quentin’s ghost “dressing up inhabitants of Collinwood and playing with them,” “good guys have no idea what’s going on,” humorously depicts ghostly manipulation and character cluelessness.

• Episode 698: Sister Act
  Ned Stuart helps sister Sabrina recover from werewolf attack “even if he has to rub his face all over her,” humorously depicts awkward sibling comfort.

• Episode 699: The Player
  “Dying days of fading storyline,” “ritual to bring about rebirth,” with “Jim Morrison and Tibetan Book of Dead,” blends narrative decline with occult revival attempts.

• Episode 700: I Ching the Body Electric
  Professor Stokes introduces “iChing, Apple’s new disruptive divination technology,” blending ancient mysticism with modern tech satire.

[](David Selby as Quentin Collins on Set of Dark Shadows)

March 1969

• Episode 701: The Most Important Thing About Quentin
  Barnabas astral travels to 1890s, mad gypsies plan jewel heist, Young Danny falls in love, meet “surprising black sheep Quentin,” blending time travel, gothic crime, and character origins.

• Episode 702: The Vampire Strikes Back
  Barnabas makes new friend, Jamison gets boat, Quentin starts recruiting by “strangling people,” blending friendship, wealth, and villainous recruitment.

• Episode 703: The Problem of Beth
  Barnabas/Julia chemistry works even with “brown makeup and pretending to be someone else,” Quentin/Beth story “sputters on launchpad,” contrasting character chemistry with plot stagnation.

• Episode 704: It Just So Happens
  Quentin grabs sword, threatens Barnabas, “Collins family’s way of saying ‘nice to meet you’,” humorously depicts Collins family violence as greeting ritual.

• Episode 705: Prisoners of Emily Post
  Judith interrupts Quentin’s murder attempt “second time in two days,” Barnabas gets “long-overdue face time with Edith,” blending murder attempts with social etiquette and character interactions.

• Episode 706: The Cliffhung
  Barnabas in 1897 meets “more members of Collins family, each one nuttier than last,” humorously highlights family eccentricity and escalating madness.

• Episode 707: Another Jane
  “Another governess arrives at another house,” filled with “romance, furniture, terrible secrets,” humorously reiterates gothic governess trope and housebound narratives.

• Episode 708: Will Power
  Barnabas deep cover in 1890s antagonizes Edward, Magda, Jamison, Quentin, “anybody else who happens by,” humorously depicts character abrasiveness and social chaos.

• Episode 709: Forget You
  Barnabas explains ghost haunting to Quentin, “one hundred and eighty degrees counterproductive,” humorously depicts character ineptitude and plot sabotage.

• Episode 710: Been Caught Stealing
  Quentin only stole grandmother’s will, “everybody’s being total jerk about it,” humorously downplays crime and exaggerates family overreaction.

• Episode 711: Let’s Twist Again
  Quentin and Evan summon Angelique “out of fireplace, back onto show where she belongs,” humorously depicts magical summoning and character necessity.

• Episode 712: The Neverending Story
  Angelique claws back “just in time to see Barnabas hand another music box to latest Josette iteration,” humorously reiterates character cycles and romantic clichés.

• Episode 713: The Staff Meeting
  Barnabas shares “all of his secrets with Magda,” involves her “in all of his plans,” “friends now,” Magda “basically Julia,” humorously depicts character alliances and archetype recycling.

• Episode 714: Inherit the Win
  Estate foundations tremble as Edith throws “golden apple” for grandchildren to fight over, blending Greek myth reference with family inheritance drama.

• Episode 715: The Secret of the Mysterious Clue
  Rachel tries to enter tower room, “cross between Jane Eyre and Nancy Drew,” in “love triangle with Count Dracula and Abigail from The Crucible,” blending literary archetypes and genre mashup.

• Extra: An Interview with Violet Welles
  “Extra Sunday treat,” 1991 Violet Welles interview “amazing backstage glimpse into lunatic life of Dark Shadows writer,” shifting focus to behind-the-scenes writer perspective.

[](Quentin Collins with Skull in Dark Shadows Episode 719)

• Episode 716: The Generation Gap
  Barnabas “finally appears on prime time,” not Dark Shadows Barnabas, but Barnabas Collins In a Funny Vein Barnabas, blending meta-narrative joke book references with show crossover.

• Episode 717: Mommy Weirdest
  Bride of Frankenstein “camp diva femme fatale” back as Mad Jenny Collins, armed with scissors, “looking for trouble,” blending camp villainy with character recurrence.

• Episode 718: Other Than My Wife
  Angelique reads episode guide, Quentin calls on Baal “out of blue,” Magda transitions to Julia “with wig on,” “first appearance of new cast member: slow doorknob,” blending meta-narrative references with absurd details.

• Episode 719: Haunt You
  Magda tells Quentin he’ll be stabbed by “woman whose name begins with J,” “probably says that to everybody,” humorously undercuts prophecy with generality.

• Episode 720: Halfway
  Blog “reaches halfway point,” celebrates with Gold Key comic book “Fires of Darkness,” blending blog milestones with spinoff media engagement.

• Episode 721: Dead Again
  Late Quentin “covered in gore,” others “stand nearby, deliver 60% of dialogue,” humorously depicts death scene staging and dialogue delivery.

• Episode 722: Uncle Deadly
  Quentin’s nearest and dearest mourn by “shouting, playing records,” humorously depicts melodramatic mourning rituals.

April 1969

• Episode 723: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Vampires
  Quentin “back from dead, just like every other soap opera character ever,” humorously normalizes soap opera resurrections.

• Episode 724: Exquisite Corpse
  Zombie Quentin picks up governess, “not actually a thing zombies do,” humorously critiques zombie trope inaccuracy.

• Episode 725: The Unrest
  Zombie Quentin “goes back to graveyard and passes out,” “another thing zombies don’t do,” further critiquing zombie trope misuse.

• Episode 726: The Comeback
  Reverend Trask puts Quentin’s spirit back, Quentin and Barnabas have “passionate discussion about relationship,” blending ghostly intervention with romantic melodrama.

• Episode 727: Nick and Jane
  “Time travel prequel to Turn of Screw starring Count Dracula,” then Trask “busts in,” brings “two other novels with him,” blending literary mashup with character interruptions.

• Episode 728: The Pacer
  Quentin back to life, Barnabas bites, Nora draws hieroglyphics, “nobody explains anything,” humorously emphasizes plot opacity and unexplained elements.

• Episode 729: Good Night
  Edward and Beth have secret, Nora bad dream, “nobody has anything interesting to say,” humorously highlights plot stagnation and dull dialogue.

• Episode 730: How I Met Your Mother
  Laura Collins’ similarities to Tomb of Cybermen are explored, blending character analysis with Doctor Who references.

• Episode 731: Mrs. Burns
  Laura “sacrificed on burning pyre by fire priests of Alexandria,” “standing in drawing room,” prompts “what the hell is a fire priest?” humorously questions plot logic and world-building.

• Episode 732: Rules of Engagement
  Barnabas finds Angelique over Quentin, “borderline of death,” Angelique sees “romantic opportunity,” humorously depicts inappropriate romantic timing and vampire courtship.

• Episode 733: Pretty People Are the Devil’s Playthings
  Minerva Trask arrives with “new backstory for Rachel,” emphasizing backstory additions and character history expansions.

• Episode 734: The Tragedy of Tim
  Don Briscoe reappears as “deeply unromantic Tim Shaw,” prompting “Did He Fall, or Was He Pushed?” backstage guessing game about actor fates.

[](Laura Collins and Fire in Dark Shadows Episode 737)

• Episode 735: The Punishment Book
  Laura lights candle, Trask curses darkness, contrasting actions symbolize light and dark forces.

• Episode 736: All About That Vase
  Quentin finds magic urn, douses eternal flame, “New Jersey Network picks up check, Third Year begins,” blending plot device action with behind-the-scenes funding references.

• Episode 737: The Sacred Bull
  Laura’s flame out, “instead of dying like normal person,” attaches to groundskeeper, asks “Sun God for miracle,” humorously critiques character immortality and plot contrivances.

• Episode 738: The Little Games
  Quentin explains mother-killing to Jamison, “doesn’t go that well,” humorously depicts character justification attempts and social awkwardness.

• Episode 739: Another Weird Afternoon
  Barnabas sees old flame, Angelique offers dating advice, Trask “sees many things,” blending character encounters with vague prophecies.

• Episode 740: Local Parlor Tricks
  Barnabas carries painting, “spring it on people as surprise,” humorously depicts vampire theatrics and jump scare attempts.

• Episode 741: Lunch Date with Destiny
  Barnabas wants Quentin info, Quentin responds by “flirting outrageously,” blending detective interrogation with homoerotic subtext.

• Episode 742: Home Alone
  Guest blogger Joe Lidster writes, tells “truth about truth-hugs, smirking,” blending meta-narrative guest perspective with character analysis.

• Episode 743: Stand Next to Barnabas
  “Date night for Quentin and Barnabas,” play “Junior Detectives,” blending romantic undertones with detective trope.

[](Barnabas Collins and Quentin Collins on a Date in Dark Shadows Episode 743)

May 1969

• Episode 744: Crazy Little Thing
  Jenny “on the loose again,” takes advantage of “Collinwood’s most plentiful natural resource: murder weapons,” humorously highlights character recurrence and setting dangers.

• Episode 745: Rendezvous at the OK Corral
  Quentin/Beth romantic moment “at gunpoint,” Magda makes “shocking, ridiculous, wonderful discovery,” blending romance, violence, and plot twists.

• Episode 746: The Love Lives of Unhappy People
  Magda’s Jenny-saving plan “solve everybody’s problems,” “needs to be stopped at all costs,” humorously depicts character sabotage and plot complication.

• Episode 747: Die Laughing
  Barnabas and Judith plan to capture Jenny, “Why can’t Quentin take anything seriously?” questions character tone and comedic vs. dramatic approach.

• Episode 748: The Misunderstanding
  Quentin telling everyone he’ll murder Jenny, then murders her “didn’t mean to do it,” humorously depicts character intent vs. action and accidental murder.

• Episode 749: The Big Break
  David Selby “discovered by 16 Magazine,” “haunted forevermore,” blending actor fame with pop culture recognition and lasting impact.

• Episode 750: Gypsy Ascendant
  Magda curses Quentin, “stands back to enjoy ensuing carnage,” emphasizing character agency in plot chaos and villainous satisfaction.

• Episode 751: Day of the Dorcas
  “New monster loose on great estate,” “hunting for redshirts,” humorously frames monster threat with redshirt expendability trope.

• Episode 752: The One Where Evan Ruins the Carpet
  Quentin comes back, headache, ripped shirt, “no idea what happened,” “everybody blames gypsies,” humorously depicts amnesia trope and racial blaming.

• Episode 753: Dog Days
  Jamison locked in closet, Beth in pentagram, werewolf runs around, “looking for midnight snack,” blending character entrapment with werewolf hunger and plot escalation.

• Episode 754: The Hunger Games
  Edward struggles to cope with Barnabas, “lunatic in cape who thinks he can beat up werewolves,” humorously depicts character disbelief and vampire superheroics.

• Episode 755: This Means War
  Laura sets “new made-up deadline for burning children,” “‘soon’,” “not soon enough,” humorously critiques villainous delays and audience impatience.

• Episode 756: I Know You Are But What Am I
  Laura and Barnabas “schoolyard battle over diary,” making “mutual vows to destroy each other,” humorously depicts childish conflict and over-the-top threats.

• Episode 757: Drunk History
  Angelique pulls together “skilled team of drunk kaiju operatives” to rescue Barnabas, blending historical parody with monster movie scale and drunken heroism.

[](Magda, Angelique, and Quentin as Kaiju in Dark Shadows Episode 757)

• Episode 759: Kill Me Maybe
  Angelique “dies in a fire, for almost seventeen minutes this time,” humorously exaggerates character death recurrence and length.

• Episode 760: Light Fuse and Get Away
  Barnabas issues “baffling instructions,” Edward bristles mustache, Laura’s “pilot light finally goes out,” blending character quirks with plot absurdity and resolution.

• Episode 761: After School
  Barnabas “deliberately pokes holes in Edward’s belief barrier,” “troubled teen Quentin has afterschool moment,” blending vampire manipulation with teen angst tropes.

• Episode 762: Dark Shadows’ Agents of THEY
  “THEY, dark and shadowy organization manipulating events,” “old lady in Providence? Paul Stoddard really doing? Charity Trask blue eyes?” questions plot coherence and mystery origins.

• Episode 763: The One Where Magda Finds Out
  Werewolf story “snaps into focus with one more devastating twist,” promising plot clarity and dramatic reveal.

• Episode 764: Straight Outta Collinsport
  Barnabas, Julia, Quentin travel to “far-off places,” Big Finish audio plays reviewed, questioning “Dark Shadowsness” portability.

• Episode 765: Rabbit Season
  Barnabas and Magda “go werewolf hunting. Must be one of those extreme sports,” humorously frames monster hunting as extreme recreational activity.

June 1969

• Episode 766: You Have to Admit She’s Got a Point
  Quentin “makes one of classic blunders: never get involved in land war in Asia, don’t mess with Dorcas Trilling,” blending pop culture references with character missteps.

• Episode 767: Elegy for David C
  Dr. Hoffman offers “dream analysis,” Jamison wakes up with “fantastic idea for half a poem,” blending dream interpretation with artistic inspiration.

• Episode 768: Number One with a Bullet
  Barnabas and Quentin argue, Jonathan and David “make long-playing dreams come true,” blending character conflict with actor achievements.

• Episode 769: Crazy Ex-Boyfriend
  Dirk Wilkins “puts on one-man show about revenge, secrets, little pulsing things,” humorously depicts villainous theatrics and bizarre plot elements.

• Episode 770: Clockwork
  Barnabas, Jamison, Edward, Beth “walk back and forth between Collinwood and Old House,” spreading “confusion and panic,” humorously depicts aimless character movement and plot chaos.

• Episode 771: The Mentalist
  Carl interrupts vampire hunt to introduce “Pansy Faye, unsuitable Cockney chorus girl fiancee,” blending plot progression with character introductions and unlikely romances.

• Episode 772: Nothing Lasts
  “Moment to note passing of Star Trek,” cancelled in June 1969, “never heard from again,” blending TV history with show mortality reflections.

• Episode 773: The Persecution and Assassination of Minerva Trask as Performed by Tim Shaw Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade
  Tim calmly watches “woman he’s murdered struggles for last painful breath,” blending theatrical title parody with character cruelty.

• Episode 774: What’s Up Dirk
  Freshman vampire Dirk “tears through supporting cast like buzzsaw,” “hungriest vampire in history,” humorously depicts vampire character dominance and expendability of others.

• Episode 775: The Winner
  Dirk vs Barnabas “all-out battle for coolest vampire,” Barnabas “has a plan,” humorously frames vampire rivalry as competition with predictable Barnabas scheme.

[](Magda and Mystery Box in Dark Shadows Episode 778)

• Episode 776: Blood Sports
  Vampire Dirk makes “fatal mistakes, all of them staffing related,” humorously blends vampire villainy with workplace incompetence.

• Episode 777: All Points
  “Updates from 1897 police blotter,” drily notes plot exposition and narrative framing device.

• Episode 778: Pocket Full of Kryptonite
  Magda returns with “wonderful treasure solve everything: mystery box!” humorously reiterates mystery box trope and plot device reliance.

• Episode 779: Blood and Thunder
  Barnabas thinks everyone is Josette, Angelique announces deadline, Quentin passes “final initiation into Murder Club,” blending character delusions with plot escalation and dark humor.

• Episode 780: The Establishment Vampire
  Barnabas “hunted by villagers with torches and pitchforks,” “don’t worry! He has a plan,” humorously reiterates vampire hunter trope and Barnabas’s plan reliance.

• Episode 781: The Hunt
  Reverend Trask learns “how to not catch a vampire, in nine easy lessons,” humorously critiques vampire hunter ineptitude.

• Episode 782: Don’t Leave Home
  Paperback Library book 14 review, Barnabas Collins and Quentin’s Demon, waltz, dead bat, fat police chief, “socially awkward meals,” blending book review with absurd plot details.

• Episode 783: A Helping Hand
  Barnabas and Magda “huddle in cave,” persuade “magical severed hand to fly across town and heal sick,” blending cave scenes with magical hand plot device.

• Episode 784: Things People Say When They’ve Run Out of Sensible Things to Say
  “Well, your psychic abilities seem to have failed you!” humorously highlights psychic character failures and dialogue absurdity.

• Episode 785: We Interrupt This Program
  Judith’s news “so startling, temporarily turns Dark Shadows back into soap opera,” humorously acknowledges genre shift and plot deviation.

• Episode 786: The Blog Post About The Original Music From Dark Shadows with The Robert Cobert Orchestra & Featuring Jonathan (Barnabas) Frid and David (Quentin) Selby
  Dark Shadows soundtrack album review, “vampire brainwashing fantasies, dramatic stings, poetry, percussion, werewolf attacks, fanservice for desperate housewives,” blending music analysis with show’s eclectic elements and fan appeal.

July 1969

• Episode 787: The Dog Pound
  Barnabas caught “springing wolf man out of jail,” “somebody stole magical hand,” “bad night for Murder Club,” blending prison break plot with character misfortune.

• Episode 788: Mrs-taken Identity
  Judith haunted by “first Mrs. Trask,” “doesn’t let being dead get in way of crackpot revenge schemes,” humorously depicts ghostly persistence and revenge plots.

• Episode 789: My Wife and My Dead Wife
  Evan and Trask plan decoy ghost, humorously depicts ghost decoys and character ineptitude.

• Episode 790: A Tale Told
  “We check out another writer’s take on current storyline,” shifting focus to writer influence and narrative interpretation.

• Episode 791: Sign the Paper
  Judith prepares vacation, “storyline forensics work” determines “what happened to original plan for 1897,” blending vacation prep with plot analysis and narrative derailment.

• Episode 792: Dances with Wolves
  Quentin and Barnabas face “Aristede and Dancing Girl,” blending Western references with character encounters.

• Episode 793: The Puppeteer
  Plot kick-start via “Angelique,” “summoned,” humorously depicts character as plot device and narrative engine.

• Episode 794: Victor and the Wolf
  “Mysterious stranger comes to town. More mysterious than anything we’ve seen before, hell of a lot stranger,” exaggerates character mystery and strangeness escalation.

[](Count Petofi at Window in Dark Shadows Episode 794)

• Episode 795: The Pits
  Quentin strapped to table, “consider question of what hell Edgar Allen Poe talking about,” blending torture scenario with literary analysis and Poe references.

• Episode 796: Death and Taxes
  Quentin pendulum escape, “free to look at something important, like Barnabas and Angelique talking about feelings,” prioritizes romantic melodrama over action suspense.

• Episode 797: Meanwhile, in the Present
  Barnabas hatches “plan so baffling even Dark Shadows fan can’t explain it,” humorously acknowledges plot incoherence and fan bewilderment.

• Episode 798: Everyone You Love Must Die
  Sandor Rakosi passing mourned “in only appropriate way for soap audience: enjoying funeral,” humorously depicts soap opera mourning rituals and funeral entertainment value.

• Episode 799: When Halloween Decorations Ruled the World
  Magda thinks she can solve everything with “hatchet and fireplace,” “Legendary Hand has ideas of its own,” blending character agency with magical object intervention.

• Episode 800: Sitting in a Tree
  “Only thing in world worse than being written about, not being written about,” meta-narrative reflection on character existence and writer attention.

• Time Travel, part 6: One Giant Leap
  Apollo 11 moon landing backdrop, revival episode 6 review, figuring out “why show fizzled on launchpad,” blending historical context with show analysis and failure critique.

• Episode 801/802: You’re a Crook, Captain Hook
  Wolf man and gypsy witch “unmask mad god from fairy tale kingdom nobody knows how to spell,” blending fairy tale elements with monster mashup.

• Episode 803: What Fresh Hell
  Edward returns from work “into hard day at home,” contrasting mundane work life with domestic gothic drama.

• Episode 804: The Other Puppeteer
  Young Jamison Petofi “pulls strings, makes puppets dance,” for “hand-picked audience of brand new grown-ups,” blending puppeteer trope with character manipulation.

• Episode 805: It’s In His Kiss
  Big Finish producer Joe Lidster watches episode, talks “cocktails, Cockneys, kisses, terrible dangers of Scrabble alone,” blending meta-narrative guest perspective with eclectic show themes.

• Episode 806: FML
  Jamison possessed, Charity annoying Quentin, Trask haunted by “thunderstorm that isn’t there,” blending possession trope with character annoyances and ghostly hallucinations.

• Episode 807: Dickens Without Poor People
  Quentin’s portrait changes to werewolf, seen in Dorian Gray and “action-adventure cliffhangers,” blending literary references with genre mashup.

• Episode 808: Twisting
  Count Petofi, “true hero of show,” comes up with “whole new set of plot points to explore,” praising villainous character agency and plot innovation.

• Episode 809: Twice Burned
  Charity figures out Quentin werewolf, Petofi “strolls onto set, fixes all of Quentin’s problems,” blending character revelation with villainous problem-solving.

August 1969

• Episode 810: The Most Dangerous Game
  Show “gets darker and more murdery,” Milton Bradley offers “different kind of Dark Shadows experience,” blending show violence with board game tie-in.

• Episode 811: Deadbeat Dad
  Lenore ill, Quentin rushes to aid, “world’s most devoted father,” humorously depicting unlikely parental devotion from villainous character.

• Episode 812: While You Were Out
  Tim Shaw returns, “new girl picked up on Broadway,” blending character returns with irrelevant romantic subplots.

• Episode 813: Happy Haunts
  Haunted Mansion reference, “999 restless spirits open creaky doors, invite us in,” blending Disney ride reference with show’s ghostly themes.

• Episode 814: Another Thing Coming
  Thunder, lightning, child’s life at stake, Barnabas, Quentin, Aristede await “birth of Bond villain,” blending gothic drama with Bond villain tropes.

• Episode 815: The Time Television
  Petofi opens “magic cupboard,” invites Barnabas to “watch Dark Shadows,” meta-narrative self-reference and show awareness.

• Episode 816: Midsummer
  Petofi “walks downstage, stares at fourth wall,” shows “why impossible to remake Dark Shadows,” meta-narrative critique on show’s unremakeable essence.

[](Count Petofi Theatrical in Dark Shadows Episode 816)

• Episode 817: A Night in Casablanca
  Petofi reveals “terrible secret at heart of 1897 storyline,” “in-coffin conversation,” blending plot reveals with claustrophobic dialogue scenes.

• Time Travel, part 7: Here We Go Again
  Revival episode 7, Vicki thrust back to 18th century for “another shot at rebooting the reboot,” humorously depicts time loop and narrative restarts.

• Episode 818: The Green Light
  House of Dark Shadows greenlit, “not good news you might expect,” foreshadows film adaptation’s potentially negative impact.

• Episode 819: War and Peace
  Aquarian Exposition of Peace and Music backdrop, Petofi “waves legendary hand, shows visions of death,” blending peace festival context with dark visions.

[](Magda and Legendary Hand of Count Petofi in Dark Shadows Episode 820)

• Episode 820: The Hand Shakedown
  Gypsies seeking Legendary Hand, “only one thing to do: dig up grave, make legendary decoy,” humorously depicts decoy hand plot device and grave robbery.

• Episode 821: The Big Switch
  Magda brought to gypsy justice by King Johnny and “huge, partially-dressed companion Istvan,” blending gypsy justice with camp character details.

• Episode 822: A Giant Evil Force
  Journey to “Second Dimension,” check in with “trading-card Collinwood,” shifting to merchandise-based narrative exploration.

• Episode 823/824: The Deadly Tambourine
  Quentin “bright idea to free Barnabas,” involves “doors, windows, brandy, clocks,” humorously lists mundane actions in rescue plan.

• Episode 825: The Watched Pot
  Quentin’s plot goes off “without hitch, except half hour late, somebody got poisoned,” humorously depicts plan execution with timing issues and accidental poisoning.

• Episode 826: Hungarian Crime Story
  King Johnny’s gypsy tribunal before “jury of deceased killer pirate gypsies from Boston,” blending gypsy justice with pirate ghost jury absurdity.

• Episode 827: A Cloud of Bats
  Barnabas saves day “by murdering somebody, hosting fashion show,” blending vampire heroism with violence and incongruous fashion event.

• Episode 828: It’s My Skeleton
  Friend Stephen Robinson watches, talks “time travel, live theater, Vietnam, Abe Vigoda, why everyone so stressed at work,” blending guest perspective with eclectic show themes and cultural references.

• Episode 829: Things That Happen When Count Petofi Isn’t Around
  “Everything goes entirely back to normal,” humorously highlights Petofi’s central role in plot chaos and normality return upon his absence.

• Episode 830: The Book I Wrote
  Story of “impossible, time travelling book,” 1986 Dark Shadows synopsis notebook, blending meta-narrative personal anecdote with show-related writing history.

September 1969

• Episode 831: Crash of the Kaiju
  “Five villains left alone in Collinwood,” try to “kill each other with silver bullets, mind control, strangling, set design,” humorously depicts villainous infighting and chaotic violence.

• Episode 832: The Triangle Factory
  Quentin “beats curse, pisses off Trask, racks up third consecutive love triangle,” celebrates character victories and recurring romantic plots.

• Episode 833: 3D Printing – The Early Years
  Petofi accomplishes “something no other Dark Shadows character has ever done: make a plan six weeks in advance,” humorously highlights character planning rarity and villainous foresight.

• Episode 834: The What’s-Thatters
  Young heiress explores haunted house with “professional ghost-disturbers,” pilot episode for Dead of Night, blending pilot review with show comparisons.

• Episode 835: Meanwhile, in the Future
  Barnabas plans future time travel “to prevent past to save present,” “writes letter, hides in desk for seventy years,” blending time travel paradoxes with plot contrivances.

• Episode 836: Murder, She Wrought
  After six months, Barnabas hasn’t fixed Quentin ghost, Julia “finally steps in, takes over,” humorously depicts Julia’s competence and Barnabas’s ineffectiveness.

• Episode 837: The Trip
  Julia “opens doors of perception,” connects to “all living things through universal consciousness,” travels back in time, “meets new cast members,” blending psychedelic references with time travel and character introductions.

• Episode 838: Just Shoot Me
  “Finally, moment we’ve all been waiting for: death of Quentin Collins, probably,” humorously anticipates character death with uncertain outcome.

• Episode 839: The Gods Laugh Sometimes
  “Barnabas, Julia, Quentin, all in same room, Angelique waiting back at Collinwood,” Dark Shadows “best-case scenario,” humorously celebrates character ensemble and desired cast dynamics.

• Episode 840: The Grown-Ups
  Petofi threatens to “touch Julia’s face,” Tate smashes decor, Romance Quentin writes bad checks, blending villainous threats with character quirks and financial ineptitude.

• Episode 841: Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There
  Petofi “throws I Ching wands, opens doors of perception,” “vibrations bad, head space wrong, too many hang-ups,” blending mystical divination with character flaws and failed attempts.

• Episode 842: Graduation Day
  Julia walks away from gunshot, invents “new theory of time travel, cures vampirism, gets all funny lines,” celebrates Julia’s competence, plot contrivances, and witty dialogue.

• Episode 843: I Can Make You a Man
  Tate “spontaneously creates human being out of thin air and graphite,” “not one of good ones,” blending mad science creation with flawed results.

• Episode 844: Those Meddling Adults
  Saturday mornings, “new creature born. Five heads, twelve legs, will run forever,” humorously references children’s TV and monster mashup.

• Episode 845: Barnabas Collins Must Die
  “He’s been asking for it,” declares inevitable Barnabas demise, humorously anticipating vampire death and character fate.

• Episode 846: Plan Meets World
  Main character dead, “handful of secondary characters, arguing about who belongs in which storyline,” humorously depicts character displacement and plot disarray.

• Episode 847: … And Carry On
  Information management episode, characters find out Barnabas dead, “start making plans for afterlife,” blending grief with plot continuation and afterlife speculation.

• Episode 848: Drawn to You
  Quentin tells Amanda “he loves her. Then he meets in-laws,” blending romance with familial awkwardness and relationship challenges.

• Episode 849: Here Today
  Barnabas “goes to Illinois to become tennis player,” Rachel shot, “goes on safari,” Amanda “headed for London. Doesn’t anybody show up for work anymore?” humorously depicts character departures and narrative abandonment of Collinsport.

• Episode 850: Proof of Your Perfidy
  “Full episode of Trask trash talk. You will see, Quentin. YOU WILL SEE!” humorously highlights Trask’s repetitive threats and villainous monologues.

• Strange Paradise, Episode 1: Dry Ice Burns
  Strange Paradise review begins, “Canadian knock-off, secrets, thunderstorms, portraits, mice,” “worst actress you will ever see,” blending show comparison with acting critique.

• Strange Paradise, Episode 2: Crypt Kicker
  Strange Paradise day 2, “whiny main character possessed by spirit of guy who’s way more interesting than he is, somehow that’s problem,” humorously critiques character blandness and possession plot device.

• Strange Paradise, Episode 3: Church and Estate
  Strange Paradise day 3, “old-time religion mixed with old-time soap tropes,” blending genre elements and trope analysis.

• Strange Paradise, Episode 4: The Cryonic Woman
  Strange Paradise day 4, “pointed questions about plot development, cryogenic suspension, correct way to dispose of malicious oil painting,” blending plot critique with bizarre scenario analysis.

• Strange Paradise, Episode 5: When Raxl Attacks
  Strange Paradise week concludes, “What Would Sproat Do?” humorously questions writer-specific plot solutions and Sproat’s potential actions.

• Episode 851: Everybody Hates Quentin
  Quentin goes “six rounds with enemies, otherwise known as entire rest of world,” humorously exaggerates character unpopularity and universal antagonism.

• Episode 852: Who’s Afraid of Violet Welles?
  “Two unhappy couples, collision course alcohol, insults, Get Guests,” blending relationship drama with game show references and character conflict.

• Episode 853: Head Games
  “Three years in, Kathryn Leigh Scott finally finds her light,” celebrates actress performance and character development.

• Episode 854: Positively Like a Beatle
  David Selby “taken to Baltimore, sits on convertible, waves to crowd, thinks about what he’s doing with life,” blending actor fame with introspective moments.

• Episode 855: The Ring
  Petofi “finally ready to reveal master plan for Quentin Collins. Not today, obviously, but pretty soon,” humorously delays villainous plot reveal and builds anticipation.

[](Dark Shadows Comic Strip Panel with Bible)

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 1: The Tortured Undead
  Comic strip review begins, “chilling answer to question: what happens to Collins family after TV show over?” posing post-series narrative questions.

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 2: A Forever Death
  Comic strip day 2, Barnabas “vibrating, ominously,” humorously describes comic strip visuals and exaggerated character states.

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 3: The Bite of Love
  Isis seeks Osiris’ resurrected soul, “you’ll never guess where she finds it,” humorously sets up plot reveal and unlikely crossover.

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 4: Ptainted Love
  Comic strip “boy-meets-ancient-Egyptian-goddess story,” Barnabas “tour of Frids Through the Ages,” blending romance, mythology, and actor image recycling.

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 5: Try to Forget
  Werewolf loose in comic strip, “are Dark Shadows stories cursed?” questions meta-narrative curse and show’s troubled history.

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 6: The Thousand-Year War
  Comic strip archenemy return, continuing “special feature on 1971 Dark Shadows comic strip,” emphasizing spinoff media focus and extended review.

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 7: Swipe Left
  Barnabas and Angelique “team up to battle forces of Evil, for some reason,” humorously questions character alliances and plot motivations.

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 8: The Ballad of Big Boy
  “Strange visitor arrives at Collinwood, threatens all who live there, even pets,” humorously exaggerates threat level and pet endangerment.

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 9: The Treachery of Images
  Comic strip “killed TV show,” “coming for us,” “unwrite comic strip, make sure never exists,” humorously blames comic strip for show demise and seeks meta-narrative erasure.

• Dark Shadows Comic Strip, part 10: The Do-Over
  Comic strip review wraps up with “impossible rewrite of false history that never happened,” humorously concludes review with meta-narrative rewrite attempt and fictional status critique.

[](Wanda and Skeleton in Dark Shadows Episode 858)

October 1969

• Episode 856: The Switcheroo
  Petofi reveals “stunning master plan,” Quentin “changes mind once again,” humorously depicts villainous planning and character indecisiveness.

• Episode 857: All Of Him
  Quentin and Petofi “swapped bodies,” prompting “Aren’t they basically same person anyway?” questions character identity and actor interchangeability.

• Episode 858: The Woman Who Wasn’t There
  Quentin digs hole, Angelique plans wedding, Julia shouts “soundtrack,” “avant-garde reprise of fall 1968 story points,” blending character actions with meta-narrative self-reference.

• Episode 859: If I Were You
  Body-swapped Quentin and Petofi “learn what it’s like to see world from other guy’s point of view,” blending body swap trope with character empathy exploration.

• Episode 860: Mesa of Lost Women
  Kitty Hampshire “walks around, asking why feels drawn to things. They aren’t sure,” humorously depicts character cluelessness and plot vagueness.

• Episode 861: The Unvisited
  Judith returns from sanitarium, “walks straight into Time War,” blending character return with plot escalation and genre shift.

• Episode 862: Z-Jay
  Jeremiah Collins’ “unresting spirit” haunting Collinwood “not working out. Where does he go from here?” humorously depicts ghost’s career dissatisfaction and plot direction questions.

• Episode 863: Sin and Sincerity
  Judith back from nuthatch, “trouble for Trask,” “well-loved plot twist,” blending character return with predictable plot developments and trope acknowledgement.

• Episode 864: Down the Hatch
  Angelique opens “trap door in world,” enters “mysterious netherspace, people build brick walls in caves,” blending magical portals with absurd set design details.

• Episode 865: Things People Say While They’re Waiting for Barnabas to Come Back from Vacation
  “‘I’m just trying to point out the absurdity of it all!’,” quotes character dialogue, humorously highlighting show’s self-aware absurdity.

• Episode 866: The Briar Patch
  Petofi locks Angelique in cave, tells “every single thing he knows,” blending villainous entrapment with exposition dump.

• Episode 867: Nothing Up My Sleeve
  Barnabas in cave, coffin, stake through heart, “all you have to do is Find the Vampire…,” humorously sets up vampire rescue mission as audience game.

• Episode 868: A New Man
  Frid washes up “on shores of doctor’s office,” “same old face, fishy new backstory,” humorously depicts actor return with implausible character revival.

• Episode 869: Schrodinger’s Vampire
  “What happens when Schrodinger opens mystery box, cat refuses to play along?” blending quantum physics references with narrative defiance of expectations.

• Episode 870: The Collapsing Cat
  “Box Barnabas and bed Barnabas, quantum superposition,” “Who’s going to help us pull reality back into shape?” blending quantum physics with narrative collapse and character savior needs.

• Episode 871: Give Me Back My Talent
  “Insanely accelerated production schedule,” Dark Shadows crew “fantasizes about duplicates,” humorously depicts production stress and desire for cloning help.

• Episode 872: Tick Tock
  Petofi has portrait, suitcase, map, money, “ready to head for future. What could go wrong?” humorously sets up time travel plot with predictable disaster foreshadowing.

• Episode 873: The Violent Majority
  Barnabas visits another estate, “frighten underprivileged children at Tricia Nixon’s Halloween party,” blending real-world events with vampire charity work and dark humor.

• Episode 874: The Rape of Kitty Soames
  Josette wants Kitty “stop existing,” so Josette “can have sex with brother-in-law, using Kitty’s body. Is that really too much to ask?” humorously poses morally outrageous scenario as character desire.

• Episode 875: Switchback
  Quentin Collins “goes back where he came from,” bluntly states character departure and storyline shift.

[](Quentin Collins, Aristede, and Charles Delaware Tate with Guns in Dark Shadows Episode 877)

November 1969

• Episode 876: The Curse of the Caffeinated
  1897 villains in Thunderdome, comic book Barnabas tussles with “Angry Person from Past,” blending villain showdown with spinoff media content.

• Episode 877: The Killing Club
  “Overstressed production schedule,” Dark Shadows “indulges in another workplace fantasy: killing staff,” humorously depicts production stress as in-show character violence wish fulfillment.

• Episode 878: Flight of the Conquered
  “Beetle-browed undead chain-wielding maniac Garth Blackwood stomps onto set,” “new standard for daytime television,” humorously exaggerates monster character and daytime TV standards.

• Episode 879: Old Business
  Aristede bedroom revolver, Judith parlor poison, Tim west wing trowel and bricks, “Someone should check conservatory for loose candlesticks and lead pipes,” blending villainous armaments with setting-specific murder methods and Clue game references.

• Episode 880: The Further Adventures of Other People
  1897 cast dropping like flies, Big Finish audios reviewed “what happens to Dark Shadows characters that manage to survive,” shifting focus to spinoff media and character survival beyond main show.

• Episode 881: Sunny Day
  “New suspect emerges in ‘Who Killed Dark Shadows’ mystery game. Eight foot two, yellow, doesn’t know how to count,” introduces absurd monster villain with Sesame Street reference.

• Episode 882: The Don’t Sleepover
  “Alert goes out—Quentin’s in trouble!” “woodland friends rush to aid,” humorously depicts monster community and unlikely rescue mission.

• Episode 883: The Tate Murders
  Count Petofi’s reign ends “in fire, vengeance, pain, right on schedule,” humorously frames villain demise as predictable and timely.

• Episode 884: Widow’s Hell
  1897 storyline concludes with “parade of ruined lives,” widows and orphans “sift through ashes,” seeking “peace,” humorously depicts tragic storyline conclusion and character fates.

• Episode 885: Not in Canvas Anymore
  Barnabas “goes even more back in time,” tries “to stop unstoppable tragedy,” blending time travel paradoxes with futile heroic attempts.

• Episode 886: The Sacrifice
  Dark Shadows “cleans house,” preparing for “new lunatic scheme,” adapting Lovecraft, humorously depicts character disposal and genre shift to Lovecraftian horror.

• Episode 887: Whatever Comes Next
  “Gloomy grad students,” Julia “hears voices,” Carolyn’s skirt “declares war,” man “walks around wearing shoes. This is new storyline,” humorously lists absurd character traits and plot elements for new storyline.

• Episode 888: Little Shop
  Carolyn and Julia visit antique shop, meet “friendly couple just arrived from uncanny valley,” blending character visits with uncanny valley trope and unsettling new characters.

• Episode 889: It’s From the Past
  Barnabas “turned evil again,” “perpetrates most fiendish of soap opera crimes: resisting recap,” humorously depicts villainous turn and meta-narrative resistance.

• Episode 890: The Curious Belief
  Barnabas “leads them through mysteries that will make them respond,” sets up new mystery plot and character agency in investigation.

• Time Travel, part 8: She’s Me
  Revival episode 8 review, Vicki “she’s me,” humorously highlights character doppelganger plot and time travel confusion.

December 1969

• Episode 894/895: Love of Chair
  Barnabas reveals he’s “secret boss of Leviathan people,” “re-reveals it, re-re-reveals it,” humorously depicts repetitive plot reveals and Barnabas’s inflated ego.

• Episode 896: Help Wanted
  Leviathan conspiracy “falling to pieces,” turn to “only person who can help: thirteen-year-old shoplifter,” humorously critiques plot desperation and unlikely savior.

• Episode 897: You’re the Worst
  Megan Todd “sits alone in antique shop for five minutes, jumping at noises, ruining show,” humorously critiques character ineffectiveness and show quality decline.

• Episode 898: Executive Child
  Megan and Philip “verge of destroying each other,” “new supervisor” arrives “just in nick of time,” humorously depicts child monster incompetence and adult intervention.

• Episode 899: The Fam Dram
  Leviathans waiting, Stoddard family makes case for Dark Shadows “as soap opera,” emphasizing genre shift towards family drama.

• Your Lies and Spells (Blood & Fire)
  Big Finish sends Angelique “back in time to destroy Dark Shadows,” “just in time for 50th anniversary,” blending meta-narrative anniversary celebration with destructive plot premise.

• Episode 900: The Long Con
  Barnabas presents Paul Stoddard “final notice of payment due,” sequence “that makes Leviathan story worthwhile,” highlights specific plot moments as redeeming value.

• Episode 901: Sympathy for the Devil
  1960s end “abruptly during Rolling Stones concert,” “ominous warning about future of Dark Shadows,” blends historical context with show’s impending decline.

• Episode 902: Bringing Up Baby
  Child Rearing for the Criminally Insane, by Spock, Jekyll, Phibes, blending parenting guide parody with monster family scenarios.

• Episode 903: Sentences Taken at Random from H.P. Lovecraft Stories That I Have Not Read
  Lovecraftian sentence examples, “thing must have happened at about three-thirty in afternoon…,” blending Lovecraftian style parody with show’s horror genre.

• Episode 904: Watching the Detectives
  Elizabeth “knows too much about unseen horrors,” “only one thing to do. Cue dream sequence!” humorously critiques dream sequence trope as plot device.

• Episode 905: Waiting for Quentin
  Quentin kept us waiting, “when he finally shows up,” gets “knocked unconscious, forgets who he is,” humorously depicts character absence and amnesia trope.

• Episode 906: Little Caesar
  New kid “blows into town, calls himself Alexander,” “plans for Carolyn, big plans,” “Paul Stoddard is through. Savvy?” blending gangster film references with character power shifts.

• Episode 907: Barnabas v Julia: Dawn of Justice
  Barnabas and Julia “on the outs,” Barnabas “refuses to participate in her storylines,” “goes off to have scenes with other people. This is intolerable,” humorously depicts character conflict and actor agency.

• Episode 908: Jim Henson’s Gaslight Babies
  “Miniature mob boss Alexander” visits Collinwood for playdate with “broken man,” blending mobster tropes with childish playdates and Quentin’s broken state.

• Episode 909: Another Alias
  Julia tries to get Quentin “remember that he’s Quentin,” or “participate actively in process,” humorously depicts character amnesia and Julia’s coaching attempts.

• Episode 910: Epistemology of the Portrait
  “Critical analysis of structured binary opposition” between “Quentin Collins” and “Grant Douglas,” humorously applies academic jargon to character identity analysis.

[](Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman OMG in Dark Shadows Episode 912)

• Episode 911: Is a Joke
  Julia sneaks “Public Enemy #1 into Collinwood,” for “discussion about time travel, how it doesn’t work,” humorously depicts unlikely alliances and time travel plot critiques.

• Episode 912: Blink
  Barnabas and Julia “intense, dramatic confrontation over who’s going to get glass of water,” humorously exaggerates melodramatic tension over mundane actions.

• Time Travel, part 10: This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things
  Revival episode 10, “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” humorously captions time travel consequences and narrative failures.

• Episode 913/914: Death and Taxidermy
  Leviathan child “growth spurt,” adopts “spoiled rich kid in sweater,” humorously depicts monster evolution and character archetype shifts.

• Episode 915: The Walkback
  Leviathan story “tanking,” producers “throw together emergency episode,” “retcons last six weeks,” “still doesn’t make whole lot of sense,” humorously acknowledges plot revisions and narrative incoherence.

• Episode 916: The One of Us
  Leviathans “dropping in polls,” make “desperate pitch to public: ‘What do you have to lose?’,” humorously frames monster appeal with political campaign rhetoric.

• Episode 917: The Spoon
  Paul Stoddard “patiently explains exactly what’s been going on,” humorously depicts exposition dump and character patience.

[](Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman Election in Dark Shadows Episode 916)

January 1970

• Time Travel, part 11: Trial’s an Error
  Revival episode 11, Vicki “on trial for life,” Barnabas “stands outside and makes animal noises,” humorously critiques revival plot and character actions.

• Episode 918: Too Big to Fail
  Leviathans scheme to “get rid of Julia, for third time this week,” humorously depicts villainous repetition and Julia’s target status.

• Episode 919/920/921: The New Neighbors
  New soap opera appears, “heads gonna roll,” foreshadows show cancellation and competitive TV landscape.

• Episode 922: To My Fans, the Audience
  Paperback Library offers “intimate look at Jonathan Frid, at work and at play,” blending actor profile with merchandise tie-in and fan engagement.

• Episode 923: Probably Her
  Quentin’s “thirteen-month storyline comes to shattering climax that he doesn’t realize is actually happening,” humorously depicts character cluelessness and anticlimactic plot resolution.

• Episode 924: Pretty Woman
  “Can Angelique find happiness as wife of another multi-millionaire?” questions character motivations and romantic prospects.

• Episode 925: The Wolf of Wall Street
  Michael “comes over for play date,” discovers “real purpose of board games,” blending childish playdates with adult villainy and board game metaphor.

• Episode 926: The Shark, and How to Jump It
  “Pretty girl trapped in secret room that doesn’t exist,” “monster that isn’t there tells her not to be afraid,” humorously depicts plot absurdity and monster reassurance.

• Episode 927: A Limited Number of Tomorrows
  “Meanwhile, in 1986, New Jersey Network cancels Dark Shadows,” “ruined and gone forever,” humorously foreshadows show cancellation and network fate.

• Episode 928: Another Day in the Uncanny Valley
  Michael dies, Megan cries, Philip whines, Mrs. Hutchins talks to parakeet, listing character actions and emotional states, emphasizing bleakness and banality.

• Episode 929: Les Disposables
  “Problem with Leviathan story Barnabas evil, so now he’s not,” “fixes everything,” humorously critiques character morality shifts and simplistic plot fixes.

• Episode 930: Man with Feelings
  Dark Shadows writers “sell new storyline pivot” with “facial expressions, backacting, thinks,” humorously critiques acting style and plot pivot attempts.

• Episode 931: MPOV
  “Does television show have to involve things you can actually see on television?” questions plot visibility and abstract narrative elements.

• Episode 932: The Gates of Heck
  Quentin gives Amanda locket “to forget him by,” she responds by “jumping off bridge,” humorously depicts romantic melodrama and tragic overreaction.

• Episode 933: King Kong vs Godzilla
  Quentin and Amanda pick through “netherworld underneath ABC Studio 16,” Paul Stoddard “shudders to stop,” blending monster movie references with production setting and character demise.

• Episode 934: The Pet Detective
  “Another unstoppable monster commits unspeakable murder,” Julia “calls police. What is she thinking?” humorously critiques police incompetence and futile crime reporting.

[](Barnabas Collins and Jeb Hawkes Monster in Dark Shadows Episode 935)

• Episode 935: The Monster at the End of This Week
  Jeb Hawkes, “dark angel of Altamont,” “Please allow me to introduce myself,” introduces new villain with dramatic flair and self-introduction trope.

• Episode 936: The Dynamics
  “Man is dead, this time, we’re actually allowed to have some feelings about it,” humorously acknowledges character death significance and emotional allowance.

• Episode 937: The Predator
  Jeb makes “enemies list, which includes supporters. We cannot allow this man to become president,” blending villainous traits with political satire.

• Episode 938: The Dunwich Cuckoo
  Barnabas finally tells Julia “exactly what didn’t happen at end of 1897,” humorously depicts plot amnesia and delayed exposition.

• Episode 939: My Father’s Killer
  Zombie rises “to witness unsuccessful marriage proposal,” blending zombie trope with romantic rejection and plot incongruity.

• Episode 940: Those Whom the Gods Would Destroy, They First Give an Ascot
  “New handsome alpha monster arrived,” Quentin “struggles to stay relevant,” blending monster hierarchy with character obsolescence.

February 1970

• Episode 941: When Something Happens
  Jeb and Barnabas try to “figure out where everybody is,” humorously depicts character disorientation and plot aimlessness.

• Episode 942: A Vast White Ring Conspiracy
  “You caused something to happen to me! Why?” quotes melodramatic dialogue, highlighting over-the-top accusations.

• Episode 943: From Within
  Maggie missing again, “everybody needs to walk in circles, talk to police over phone,” humorously reiterates recurring plot device and character actions.

• Episode 944: Essence and Intelligence and Werewolves
  “Aeons-old war between ancient slime gods and sworn enemies, werewolves. Seriously,” humorously exaggerates monster lore and inter-species conflicts.

• Episode 945: My Sweet, Sweet Moves
  Jeb Hawkes “shows us how to treat a lady,” satirically depicts villainous courtship methods.

• Episode 946: Universal Monsters
  Paperback Collinwood revisited, “spinoff novels” try to “do anything useful with Barnabas, Quentin, Maggie, slow-burning supernatural threat,” shifting focus to spinoff media and character utility.

• Episode 947: A Helping Hound
  Werewolf battling “space octopus in living room,” “only one who can save us Jonathan Frid,” blending monster mashup with actor savior complex.

• Episode 948: War Games
  Retcon of retcon, “seance and flappy bat,” humorously acknowledges narrative revisions and supernatural plot devices.

• Episode 949: The Last Days of the Guthrie Brothers
  Guthrie Brothers ask questions about Stoddard case, blending detective trope with character interrogation.

• Episode 950: Flappy Bat for the Win
  Barnabas, Quentin, Carolyn, Jeb “stand in drawing room, shouting secret plans, drinking passive-aggressive cocktails,” “kissing, running, dream sequence, open another mystery box,” humorously lists plot elements and recurring tropes.

[](Werewolf Jeb Hawkes in Chair in Dark Shadows Episode 947)

• Episode 951: Into Darkness
  Leviathans’ “only worthwhile achievement,” turn “vampire back into vampire,” humorously undercuts villainous goals with vampire trope restoration.

• Episode 952: Something Evil People Are Afraid Of
  Antique shop smolders, Barnabas revamp reviewed—“Vampire Trap,” Gold Key comics, blending plot aftermath with spinoff media analysis.

• Episode 953: Walking Around and Pretending to Have a Plan
  “Just when thought getting somewhere,” Nicholas Blair “demonic speed bump,” humorously depicts plot stagnation and villainous obstacles.

• Episode 954: Irreconcilable
  Publishing tycoon “grotesque secret” marries “dream girl, several secrets,” “doesn’t last,” blending gothic romance with doomed relationships.

• Episode 955: Once Again
  Angelique returns to “casting spells, flirting with boys, talking to Barnabas about relationship status,” humorously reiterates character actions and recurring plot lines.

• Episode 956: The Way We Feel
  Quentin and Maggie “suddenly find themselves desperately in love for no particular reason,” “like every other soap opera couple,” humorously normalizes soap opera romance tropes.

• Episode 957: The Sad Song of Sue Agatha
  Willie Loomis “is back, but he can’t stay, just can’t!” humorously depicts character return brevity and plot convenience.

• Episode 958: The Not Normal
  “Tyrannical monster taking over,” Collinwood “divided, never before,” Roger “scared, confused, turns to werewolf cousin,” blending monster takeover with family drama and unlikely alliances.

• Episode 959: Do No Harm
  New masters of Earth “rattled by standard Dark Shadows haunted-house sequence,” blending alien invasion with mundane scares and haunted house tropes.

• Episode 960: Time and Temperature
  Bruno strangled by ghost, “pet zombie with gun waiting for guy to turn into werewolf,” “Life is full of surprises,” humorously exaggerates plot chaos and monster mashup.

March 1970

• Episode 961: Protagonizing
  “All-singing, all-dancing, all-villains spectacular,” “werewolves, zombies, betrayal, blood loss, doors,” humorously depicts monster mashup musical and chaotic plot elements.

• Episode 962: The Second Law of Thermodynamics
  Carolyn, Jeb, Quentin, Chris confront “inevitable heat death of Dark Shadows fictional universe,” humorously blends show’s end with physics concept and existential dread.

• Episode 963: The Golden Key
  Barnabas “feels sudden inexplicable desire for blood,” turns “show into comic book and never letting it turn back,” humorously depicts character motivation to escape TV show format via comic book spinoff.

• Episode 964: Julia Fixes Everything
  Julia “examines ailing storyline,” says “yeah, I could do something with this,” humorously depicts Julia as plot fixer and narrative savior.

• Episode 965: Wedding Crashers
  Jeb Hawkes “struggles to find way to survive disastrous end of disastrous storyline,” humorously depicts character fate and plot conclusion inevitability.

• Episode 966: A Happy Ending
  Jeb destroys Leviathan box, altar, “whole goddamn Leviathan storyline,” humorously depicts plot resolution via character destruction and storyline disposal.

• Episode 967: Vicki Ruins Everything, part 3: The Way It Happened
  Jeb and Carolyn run from Hanged Man, “young Danny enters world of Dark Shadows,” blending character escape with new character introduction and recurring “Vicki ruins everything” theme.

• Episode 968: The Only Weakness
  Jeb Hawkes “on the run,” besieged by “villains itching to take advantage of any of his three only weaknesses,” humorously depicts villainous pursuit and character vulnerability.

[](Barnabas Collins, Dr. Julia Hoffman, and Elizabeth Collins PTED in Dark Shadows Episode 969)

• Episode 969: PTED
  “Random guy with dark eye makeup intrudes on scene between Elizabeth and Hoffman,” humorously critiques random character introductions and actor makeup.

• Episode 970: A Less Rational Explanation
  Barnabas and Julia “walk into empty room,” start “tossing postulates around,” humorously depicts character actions and dialogue abstraction.

• Episode 971: The Cleanup Crew
  Roger wakes up on floor, finds Julia “standing nearby, admiring architecture,” blending character disorientation with Julia’s detached observations and gothic setting appreciation.

• Episode 972: Gold-Hatted Lover
  Barnabas at threshold, watching “trailers for upcoming storyline,” “someone chucks him copy of novelization,” blending character anticipation with meta-narrative promotion and spinoff media tie-ins.

• Episode 973: Groundhog Day
  Carolyn’s “new husband is afraid of his own shadow,” humorously depicts character paranoia and marital woes.

• Episode 974: Your Declining Days
  Leviathan story “almost over,” Angelique “walks around, tells everyone to go to hell, which they will,” humorously depicts villainous exits and inevitable doom.

• Episode 975: Bruno Dies at the End
  “Tribute to amazing Bruno, and his accomplice, Ralston-Purina lamp,” humorously mourns minor character death and set prop significance.

• Episode 976: Another Another World
  Barnabas enters Parallel Time, “another story begins, familiar faces making different choices, what show to be on,” blending parallel universe trope with show re-imagining and meta-narrative reflection.

• Episode 977: Things That I Already Like About Parallel Time
  “Everyone’s buzzing about new Parallel Time storyline, opening this Friday,” humorously promotes new storyline with exaggerated anticipation.

• Episode 978: What’s Cooking
  Dark Shadows Cookbook “helps to feed hungry audience, for last time,” blending merchandise tie-in with show’s finality.

• Episode 979: Jeb Hawkes Must Die
  Leviathan storyline “reaches conclusion with dream, threat, big, wet thud,” humorously undercuts plot climax with anticlimactic ending.

• Episode 980: Next Stop Keystone City
  Barnabas “breaks on through to other side,” “play few rounds of Parallel or Not Parallel,” blending time travel trope with game show parody and parallel universe exploration.

• Episode 981: The Clone Wars
  Barnabas “washed up on foreign shore,” “everyone has better clothes, lighting, dialogue,” humorously critiques show’s production values and character presentation.

• Episode 982: Bad Marriages
  Literary crime wave breaks out, Dark Shadows writers “walk into library, help themselves to plot points,” humorously depicts plot plagiarism and literary theft.

April 1970

• Episode 983: The Terror of Tarrytown
  Dark Shadows cast makes “Dark Shadows movie, instead of staying home making Dark Shadows,” humorously depicts film adaptation shift and show abandonment.

• Episode 984: What We Know
  “Joining story already in progress,” “use televisual literacy to figure out what we’ve missed,” humorously depicts audience confusion and in medias res narrative entry.

• Episode 985: The Cassandra Complex
  Violet Welles leaving, “one last surprise: mystery of witch’s twin sister,” blending writer departure with final plot twist.

• Episode 986: Down in the Science Dungeon
  Dr. Cyrus Longworth speaks on good/evil, rabbits, apparatuses, “how many people a man is,” blending mad science dialogue with philosophical musings and character identity questions.

• Episode 987: Truly Two
  Quentin needs to figure out Alexis “good twin or evil twin,” “no such thing as good and evil, he doesn’t really care anyway,” humorously questions moral binaries and character apathy.

• Episode 988: The Staggering Weirdness of Bruno
  Bruno calls shipping office, “reopens lot of past,” blending character actions with past plot resurrections.

• Episode 989: Scientific Progress Goes Boink
  Longworth invents “world’s first hate potion,” blending mad science inventions with emotional manipulation and comedic sound effects.

• Episode 990: Let It Burn
  Friend Randall joins, talks “Sabrina, dubious value of re-enacting things,” blending guest perspective with plot critique and performance analysis.

• Episode 991: Parsing Sabrina
  Sabrina invites herself over for “mandatory late-night party game,” “stands around talks about how evil everybody else is,” humorously depicts unwanted social invitations and character self-righteousness.

• Episode 992: Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t
  “Devoted Angelique truthers” follow Alexis, try to figure out “herself or twin sister,” humorously depicts character identity confusion and fan obsession with character authenticity.

• Episode 993: All I Know Is Danger
  Ghost loose, “opening drawers, playing piano, dripping blood,” Quentin calls in “craziest person he can think of,” blending haunted house tropes with character reactions and extreme solutions.

• Episode 994: Polterguest
  Show interrupts murder mystery to introduce “different murder mystery, another misbehaving ghost,” humorously critiques plot redundancy and ghost recurrence.

• Episode 995: I’ll Bite Anything
  Newsweek compares Dark Shadows and Sesame Street, “lost children of early 1970s gently redirected down another path,” blending media comparison with cultural impact and show redirection.

[](Quentin Collins and Alexis Playing Piano in Dark Shadows Episode 993)

• Episode 996: Love Potion No. 9
  Longworth drinks “magic de-jekylling potion,” heads “downtown to see life is like without phone messages,” humorously depicts mad science potion effects and character desire for mundane escape.

• Episode 997: Fifty Shaves
  Spare a thought for “bored housewife,” tunes in, witnesses Yaeger and Buffie courtship, audience boredom and unlikely romantic pairings are humorously noted.

• Episode 998: The Absence of the Disturbances
  “Another day in haunted town,” ghosts set fires, mad scientists drink potions, humorously reiterates recurring supernatural and mad science tropes.

• Episode 999: The Dead Wife
  Quentin tries to figure out if “dead wife is dead or not,” “something about Twin Peaks,” blending character confusion, death ambiguity, and Twin Peaks reference.

• Episode 1000: Back From the Death
  Angelique “sleeping in crystal coffin for six months,” “patiently waiting for true love’s kiss,” humorously depicts sleeping beauty trope and extended character slumber.

• Episode 1001: Wife Swap
  “Sinister witch switches with twin sister,” bluntly states twin swap plot point, emphasizing character interchangeability.

• Episode 1002: Ordinary Circumstances
  John Yaeger, “personification of evil impulses,” “goes out for evening and personifies,” humorously depicts villainous character essence and mundane evening activities.

• Episode 1003: The Way We Live Now
  Angelique “back from dead, mostly,” needs “new source of energy. But who doesn’t?” humorously depicts character resurrection and universal energy needs.

• Episode 1004: The Way Home
  Quentin, Daniel, Amy “visited by spirits of show that was, will be again,” blending ghostly visits with meta-narrative show reflection and cyclical nature.

• Episode 1005: People Trying to Talk Sense to Dameon Edwards
  “They can bring you here because control over life,” “send you away again because control over death,” quotes dialogue emphasizing character power and life/death control.

May 1970

• Episode 1006: Too Big to Do Anything But Fail
  Longworth drinks juice, false mustache, “tries to open bank account,” “Why is Jekyll and Hyde supposed to be scary?” humorously questions mad science villainy and horror genre effectiveness.

• Episode 1007: Saving Dark Shadows
  “Meanwhile, in 1986, New Jersey Network pulls plug, kiboshes Fourth Year,” humorously foreshadows show cancellation and network fate.

• Episode 1008: This Terrible Truth
  Dark Shadows “saved from scaffold, thanks to fans, audiotapes, amazing power of Star Trek slash fiction,” humorously credits fan efforts and unlikely savior—slash fiction.

• Episode 1009: The Great Train Robbery
  Quentin and Angelique “touch fingers, fire up candles,” hoping for “shred of useful intel from dead,” blending seance trope with romantic undertones and plot information seeking.

• Episode 1010: The Larry Parts
  “Another doomed investigator takes full responsibility,” humorously depicts investigator expendability and character fate.

[](House of Dark Shadows Movie Poster Detail)

• House of Dark Shadows: Let’s Not Play Insane Games
  House of Dark Shadows movie analysis, “Hammer movies, overstuffed sets, love triangles, daytime, cameos, cannons, color of blood, actors vs scenery,” “extermination of everything you love,” blending film review with show elements critique and tragic outcome foreshadowing.

• Episode 1011: The Cast Came Back
  Will releases Barnabas “coffin all over again,” “bad for book, good for show,” humorously acknowledges plot repetition and narrative convenience.

• Episode 1012: Trapped in a World (Not Mine Own)
  Barnabas and Kirk trapped in “Mirror Universe,” “Bond villains rule world, Barnabas from Peru,” blending sci-fi crossover with Bond villain tropes and character origin shifts.

• Episode 1013: What Does a Crazy Woman Want
  Quentin gets postcard from Paris, Angelique “struggles to focus,” blending romantic postcard plot point with character inattentiveness.

• Episode 1014: Are You the Quentin
  Quentin “can’t figure out why he’s feeling way that he’s feeling,” humorously depicts character confusion and emotional vagueness.

• Episode 1015: You Were Murdered
  Angelique/Quentin story “unruly tangle,” resolved by “Hoffman, blood specialist housekeeper family historian,” humorously depicts plot mess and Julia as plot fixer.

• Episode 1016: Fire Is Not a Friend
  Angelique uses voodoo doll to “give Quentin heart attack,” “shocked when he has heart attack,” “talks to candles,” humorously depicts villainous surprise and character eccentricities.

• Episode 1017: The Struggle
  Barnabas tries “to act like mature human being, for just one night,” humorously questions character capacity for maturity and short-lived attempts.

[](Angelique and Julia in Dark Shadows Episode 1015)

• Episode 1018: Diagnosis Murder
  Longworth gives Quentin “bad news that he’s in perfect physical condition, everything totally fine,” humorously undercuts medical drama with anticlimactic diagnosis.

• Episode 1019: Peer at a Prop
  Angelique and Hoffman take “another step in diabolical plan to annoy and puzzle Quentin and Maggie,” humorously depicts villainous plan as prop-based annoyance.

• Episode 1020: To Serve Man
  “Let us prey,” ominous tagline blends religious invocation with predatory intent.

• Episode 1021: Five Things
  Dan Curtis “back at work,” Barnabas “gets bitey,” show begins “week-long Dark Shadows quality improvement program,” blending production shift with vampire action and self-improvement meta-narrative.

• Episode 1022: Suddenly Shipping
  “Another character falls under spell of beguiling Parallel Maggie,” humorously depicts character seduction and parallel universe allure.

• Episode 1023: Rage Against the Machine
  Maggie “has night out with John Yaeger,” blending character romance with violent undertones.

• Episode 1024: The End of Love
  Maggie caught “catching up on other people’s correspondence,” humorously depicts character snooping and romantic demise.

• Episode 1025: Rebecca to the Rescue
  “Week-long Dark Shadows quality improvement program concludes” by turning into “weirdest possible version of Rebecca,” blending literary adaptation with quality improvement attempts and bizarre outcomes.

June 1970

• Episode 1026: The Seventh Level of Witchcraft
  Angelique challenges gods, faces “nemesis she never knew she had,” blending character hubris with divine challenge and surprise adversary.

• Episode 1027: The Winds of War
  Barnabas “trapped in another world,” declares “another world war,” humorously depicts character actions and exaggerated conflict.

• Episode 1028: Can’t Stop the Trouble
  Sabrina stands up to “psychopath serial killer who she is still unaccountably in love with,” humorously depicts character romantic choices and serial killer allure.

• Episode 1029: There Is a Spirit Here That Means to Harm Your Wife
  Maggie visits “argument clinic,” “spirits line up for chance to harm her,” humorously depicts ghost queue and character misfortune.

• Episode 1030: A Room of One’s Own
  “Setback for women’s lib,” Maggie “gets locked up,” “London Bridge falls down,” humorously blends feminist critique with character entrapment and nursery rhyme dread.

• Episode 1031: The Last Day of Parallel Time
  Barnabas “rounds the turn, sprints for finish line. Hurry, Barnabas! Hurry!” humorously urges plot resolution and character urgency.

[](Dr. Julia Hoffman and Angelique in Parallel Time in Dark Shadows Episode 1031)

• Episode 1032: The Curse of Blinovitch
  Barnabas chooses between Julia and Hoffman, “picks wrong side,” humorously depicts character misjudgment and romantic missteps.

• Episode 1033: Follow the Money
  “Sets and violence today,” Barnabas “runs in circles,” Liz “has someone else’s dream,” Sabrina learns “fiscal responsibility,” blending action, dream sequences, and unlikely life lessons.

• Episode 1034: Mistakes in Justice
  Paperback Library revisited, Carolyn, Liz, Roger afflicted by “gaggle of unspeakable houseguests,” shifting focus to spinoff media and character suffering.

• Episode 1035: Elegy for the Truly Two
  Longworth experiment “violent conclusion,” “What, if anything, have we learned?” questions plot purpose and thematic takeaways.

• Episode 1036: I’m Not Hoffman
  Julia, “expressing ‘wrong parallel-dimension life choices’ through fire iron to back of head,” humorously depicts Julia as plot enforcer and violent problem solver.

• Episode 1037: The Things That Have Been Happening
  “Challenge Maggie’s status as only sane person living in Collinsport,” humorously questions character sanity and Collinsport’s overall mental health.

• Episode 1038: The Spy Who Loved Me
  “Special Agent Julia Hoffman from Federal Bureau of Instability reports for work at someone else’s job,” humorously depicts Julia’s spy persona and genre blending.

• Episode 1039: Barnabas, Julia and the Lady in the Back Parlor
  Julia stands by as Barnabas finds “another ingenue to project needs and desires onto,” humorously critiques Barnabas’s romantic patterns and Julia’s passive role.

• Episode 1040: Stupid Mystery Theater
  “Inspector calls, everyone too busy incriminating themselves to call back,” humorously depicts mystery trope and character self-sabotage.

• Episode 1041: Westworld
  Quentin “partially-strangles another victim,” gets “in trouble with Cylon police,” blending strangulation trope with sci-fi crossover and law enforcement parody.

• Episode 1042: Still Another Murderer
  Carolyn tries to “forget about all terrible things that have happened, to no avail,” humorously depicts character PTSD and trauma recurrence.

• Episode 1043: The Heat Death of the Universe
  Quentin on vacation, Barnabas, Julia, Will “desperately hunt among hatpins for new narrative energy,” humorously depicts plot exhaustion and desperate trope recycling.

• Episode 1044: Weekend at Barney’s
  Barnabas and Will break into Stokes’ place, steal “unconscious lady,” “