Parenting styles are often labeled with terms like “helicopter” or “bulldozer,” especially when it comes to guiding children through significant milestones like college admissions. As someone working in education, I’ve observed many approaches, driven by parental love, hopes, and anxieties. However, attaching negative labels doesn’t fully capture the complexity of parental intentions, which are usually rooted in care.
My role often blends college counseling with family therapy, helping both students and parents manage the intense emotions and expectations surrounding college applications and future planning. Gaining perspective is easier when you’re not emotionally involved as a parent. But now, as a father of a high school senior awaiting college decisions, the situation feels very different and personal.
Seeking expert guidance is crucial, as William De Britaine wisely noted in 1692, “he who will be his own Counsellour, shall be sure to have a Fool for his Client.” Therefore, I’ve turned to experts in parenting and child psychology to offer valuable advice for families navigating the college admission process.
Psychotherapist Lynn Lyons, co-author of Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous & Independent Children and co-host of the Flusterclux podcast, emphasizes the importance of perspective as college decisions arrive. “As early acceptances and rejections begin to arrive, we need to be keenly aware of the dangerous message that there is one path to success, that these decisions—made by an institution that doesn’t even know your child—define a teen’s future.” Lyons warns against a rigid mindset, stating, “A rigid, all or nothing mentality in high achieving students and parents absolutely fuels anxiety and depression in teens.” Instead, she urges parents to model resilience: “How will you let your teen know that you understand the disappointment, but how will you also model for them the ability to tolerate big emotions, recover (over time) from disappointment and rejection, and make adjustments as they grow?” These, she stresses, are vital life skills parents should teach.
Jessica Lahey, author of the New York Times bestseller, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed and The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence, shares a personal anecdote. Her older son’s experience with college admissions was initially disappointing but ultimately beneficial. “It’s turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to him. He was dead set on his early decision school, so excited about it, and when he was rejected, he was devastated.” However, Lahey explains that his second-choice school proved to be a better fit. “Once he started focusing on his other choices, he found that his second choice was actually a better fit.” This experience taught him, and her family, about adaptability. For her younger son, currently applying to college, they are prepared for various outcomes. “We have been preparing for either eventuality by discussing alternative options—gap year, working year, attending his backup for a year and transferring—all are great, interesting options that will give him experience in self-advocacy.” Lahey’s approach highlights the importance of discussing options and preparing for different paths, reducing the pressure of a single outcome.
Rick Clark, director of undergraduate admission at Georgia Tech, advocates for a shift in the parent-child dynamic during college applications, urging parents to move from “parent to partner.” He believes focusing on the journey and effort is more valuable than fixating on college names. “Prior to admission decisions coming out, my hope is parents will take their focus off the names of colleges, their own personal hopes, and the recent build-up of emotion or anticipation, and instead consider the time, effort, and shared experiences that have led to this point.” Clark suggests this approach helps families handle any decision with grace. “By doing this, whether a student is admitted, deferred, or denied, they will be ready to genuinely celebrate, empathize, or simply love and support.” Shifting focus to the student’s overall journey and effort, rather than just the college outcome, fosters a healthier perspective.
Denise Pope, co-founder of Challenge Success, a non-profit affiliated with Stanford Graduate School of Education, offers practical strategies for parents supporting college applicants. Firstly, she advises privacy when receiving college decisions. “We recommend that teens open emails from colleges in private rather than finding out in class in the middle of the school day or having a parent live stream it on social media. If the news is not good, your teen may need some support and time to grieve, and they will likely be watching your reaction as well. As a parent, consider going to a separate room from your teen after hearing the news, so you can celebrate or grieve alone and have a few moments to regulate your emotions.” Secondly, Pope emphasizes the significance of engagement over prestige. “Remind teens that where they go matters less than what they do when they get there. We do not say this lightly. Research supports that engagement in college is more important than where a student goes.” She points to the Challenge Success white paper, A ‘Fit’ Over Rankings: Why College Engagement Matters More Than Rankings, for further research. This perspective encourages students and parents to focus on making the most of the chosen college experience, regardless of its ranking.
Richard Weissbourd, faculty director of Making Caring Common at Harvard Graduate School of Education and author of The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development, urges parents to self-reflect on their motivations. “I think many parents really need to wade into the muck of themselves if they’re going to have honest and helpful conversations with their kids every step of the way in the college admissions process.” He questions parental motives, “Parents need to ask themselves how much of their own hopes and needs are getting confused with what is best for their child—their own status concerns, their competitive feelings with other parents, their belief that the college their child attends is a clear and public reflection of their success as parents, their hopes that their child will live out their particular dreams or compensate for their shortcomings.” Honest self-assessment helps parents ensure their guidance is truly for their child’s benefit, not driven by their own ego or unfulfilled ambitions.
Jenifer Lippincott, author of 7 Things Your Teenager Won’t Tell You: And How to Talk About Them Anyway, reflects on the long-term focus on college in parent-child conversations. “For more years than we care to count, and often beyond conscious awareness, our conversations with our kids have pointed in the direction of college.” She notes the culmination at decision time, “And then, as if suddenly, the decisions land—sometimes with a thud, other times with celebratory fanfare.” Regardless of the outcome, Lippincott provides crucial reminders for parents:
- “No matter the degree of sweat, toil, and angst we have poured into the college application process, we are not the ones embarking on this journey… Just as they needed to balance when learning to ride a bike, if we don’t let go, they will not learn how to right themselves on their own.” This emphasizes the student’s ownership of their journey.
- “Although possible that the choice they make may not ultimately be the best one (especially in our view), it will stand as one of their most monumental to date… Isn’t that life skill one of the most important?” Learning from both successes and failures is invaluable.
- Quoting Malcolm Gladwell, “’When I look at a resume, I require them to black out the names of the schools they went to. I don’t want to know. I don’t care. I’m interested in you. I’m interested in what you think and do and what books you read.’” This highlights the importance of individual qualities over institutional prestige in the long run.
A Sidecar Approach to Parenting
Instead of labels that imply over-involvement, perhaps “sidecar parenting” is a better metaphor. Parents should be alongside their children, offering guidance and support, but not controlling the direction. Like a sidecar, we are present for the ride, able to point out potential issues and offer advice, but ultimately, the steering is in our children’s hands. Whether they face smooth roads or bumps, we are there to support them. As I await my own son’s college decisions, I trust that his path to success is not solely determined by college admissions. Opportunities will emerge as long as he remains focused and engaged – lessons we’ve strived to instill. Regardless of the college news, we will navigate the outcome together, supporting his journey forward.
