"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." This profound statement marks the beginning of a transformative journey for countless individuals seeking freedom from addiction through Narcotics Anonymous (NA). The First Step isn’t just the initial stage; it’s the bedrock upon which lasting recovery is built. It’s where healing commences, and progress becomes impossible until we wholeheartedly engage with its principles.
For some in NA, navigating the First Step feels intuitive, a deeply personal and emotional understanding. Others prefer a more structured approach, systematically dissecting each aspect. The reasons for actively working Step One are as varied as the individuals in recovery. Perhaps you’re new to NA, fresh from a grueling battle with addiction, seeking respite and a new direction. Or maybe you’ve achieved abstinence, yet find addiction manifesting in other areas of your life, compelling you to confront powerlessness and unmanageability anew. Growth isn’t always born from pain; sometimes, it’s simply time to revisit the steps, initiating the next phase in our continuous journey of recovery.
Finding solace in the understanding that addiction is a disease, not a moral deficiency, can be incredibly comforting for some. Others are less concerned with the root cause and more focused on escaping the grip of addiction. Regardless of your personal experience, engaging with step work is crucial. It’s about taking concrete actions to unlock greater freedom from addiction, irrespective of its current form. Our aim is to deeply internalize the principles of Step One, fortifying our surrender and embedding acceptance, humility, willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness into the core of our being.
The initial hurdle is reaching a point of surrender, and this path is unique to each individual. For many, the journey leading to the First Step itself provides ample evidence of the necessity for unconditional surrender. Others embark on this step even with lingering doubts about their addiction or the severity of their situation. It is through the process of working Step One that true realization dawns: we are indeed addicts, we have reached our bottom, and surrender is the only viable path forward.
Crucially, before delving into Step One, abstinence is paramount. For newcomers to Narcotics Anonymous, where the First Step primarily addresses drug addiction’s impact, achieving and maintaining clean status is essential. If you’ve been abstinent for a while and Step One is focused on powerlessness over another behavior causing unmanageability, you must find ways to halt that behavior. This ensures that your surrender is not compromised by ongoing acting out.
Understanding the Disease of Addiction
The core of our struggle as addicts lies in the disease of addiction itself – not the substances, not the behaviors, but the underlying disease. Something within us disrupts our ability to control substance use. This same internal mechanism predisposes us to obsessions and compulsions in various facets of our lives. How do we recognize when this disease is active? It’s evident when we’re ensnared in obsessive, compulsive, and self-centered patterns, trapped in unproductive loops that lead to physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional decline.
Consider these questions to deepen your understanding:
- What does “the disease of addiction” personally signify to you?
- Has your disease been active recently? If so, in what ways?
- Describe your thought patterns when you are obsessed with something. Is there a recurring pattern?
- Do you impulsively act on thoughts without considering the consequences? In what other areas of your life do you exhibit compulsive behaviors?
- How does the self-centered aspect of your disease impact your life and the lives of those around you?
- In what ways has your disease affected you physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally?
Addiction’s manifestations are diverse. Initially, in Narcotics Anonymous, the primary concern is drug use. However, over time, we may discover addiction’s detrimental effects extending into numerous other areas of our lives.
Reflect on these points:
- In what specific ways has your addiction most recently manifested itself?
- Have you experienced obsessions with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has this interfered with your relationships? What other mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional consequences have you faced due to this obsession?
Confronting Denial: Recognizing the Truth
Denial is a insidious aspect of our disease, convincing us that we don’t actually have a problem. When in denial, we are blinded to the reality of our addiction, minimizing its impact and externalizing blame. We might point fingers at unrealistic expectations from family, friends, or employers. Comparing ourselves to other addicts perceived as “worse” can be another form of denial. We may even rationalize our addiction by singling out a specific substance. For those with some abstinence, comparing current addictive behaviors to past drug use can lead to dangerous rationalization – thinking present actions are less severe than past drug use. A key indicator of denial is fabricating plausible but untrue justifications for our actions.
Ask yourself these probing questions about denial:
- Have you offered plausible but untrue reasons for your behavior? What were they?
- Have you acted compulsively on an obsession and then pretended it was intentional? When did this occur? How have you blamed others for your behavior?
- How have you compared your addiction to that of others? If you remove comparisons, is your addiction “bad enough”?
- Are you comparing a current addiction manifestation to your pre-recovery life? Are you struggling with the idea that you should know better?
- Have you convinced yourself that you possess enough knowledge about addiction and recovery to control your behavior before it escalates?
- Are you avoiding taking action due to fear of shame from facing addiction’s consequences? Are you avoiding action because of concerns about others’ opinions?
Hitting Bottom: Despair and Isolation as Turning Points
Eventually, addiction leads us to a point where denial crumbles, and we can no longer ignore the reality of our problem. Lies, rationalizations, and illusions dissipate as we confront the stark reality of our lives. Hopelessness sets in. We may find ourselves isolated, friendships dissolved, and relationships reduced to superficial imitations of love and intimacy. While this state may feel like utter loss, it’s a necessary passage before embarking on the journey of recovery.
Consider these questions about hitting bottom:
- What crisis propelled you towards recovery?
- What circumstances prompted you to formally engage with Step One?
- When did you first acknowledge your addiction as a problem? Did you attempt to address it? If so, how? If not, why not?
Understanding Powerlessness: A Key to Freedom
The term “powerless” often evokes strong reactions in addicts. Some recognize its profound accuracy and admit powerlessness with a sense of relief. Others resist, associating it with weakness or a character flaw. Understanding powerlessness – and its crucial role in recovery – is essential to overcome negative connotations.
Powerlessness arises when a driving force in our lives becomes uncontrollable. Addiction unequivocally fits this description. We lose the ability to moderate or control drug use or other compulsive behaviors, even when they jeopardize what we value most. We cannot stop, even when faced with irreparable physical harm. Addiction compels us to act in ways that are contrary to our values, actions that fill us with shame in retrospect. We may resolve to stop using, but find ourselves unable to resist when temptation arises.
Many have attempted abstinence without a program, perhaps achieving temporary success, only to relapse due to untreated addiction. Working the First Step requires deeply internalizing and accepting our individual powerlessness.
Reflect on these questions to understand your powerlessness:
- Over what aspects of your life are you truly powerless?
- What actions have you taken while in active addiction that you would never consider in recovery?
- What compromises to your beliefs and values have you made to sustain your addiction?
- How does your personality shift when you are actively engaged in addiction? (e.g., Do you become arrogant, self-centered, mean-tempered, passive, manipulative, or whiny?)
- Do you manipulate others to maintain your addiction? How?
- Have you tried to quit using and failed? Have you achieved abstinence on your own, only to find life unbearable without drugs, leading to relapse? Describe these experiences.
- How has your addiction caused harm to yourself or others?
Recognizing Unmanageability: Outward and Inward Chaos
Step One necessitates admitting both powerlessness over addiction and the unmanageability of our lives. These two admissions are intrinsically linked. Unmanageability is the outward manifestation of our powerlessness. It can be categorized into outward unmanageability, visible to others, and inner or personal unmanageability.
Outward unmanageability often presents as legal issues, job loss, and family discord. Some NA members have experienced incarceration, while others struggle to maintain any lasting relationships. Some find themselves estranged from their families.
Inner or personal unmanageability is characterized by unhealthy and distorted belief systems about ourselves, the world, and our relationships. We may believe we are worthless, or conversely, that the world revolves around us. We might expect others to take care of our responsibilities or feel overwhelmed by everyday tasks. Emotional volatility is a prominent indicator of personal unmanageability.
Consider these questions to assess unmanageability in your life:
- What does unmanageability mean to you personally?
- Have you faced arrests or legal troubles due to addiction? Have you engaged in activities that could have led to arrest if caught? What were they?
- What work or school-related problems have you experienced due to addiction? What family issues has addiction caused?
- What problems has addiction created in your friendships?
- Do you insist on having your own way? How has this impacted your relationships?
- Do you consider the needs of others? How has your lack of consideration affected your relationships?
- Do you take responsibility for your life and actions? Are you able to manage daily responsibilities without feeling overwhelmed? How has this affected your life?
- Do you become overwhelmed when plans change? How has this affected your life?
- Do you perceive every challenge as a personal affront? How has this impacted your life?
- Do you operate with a crisis mentality, reacting to every situation with panic? How has this affected your life?
- Do you disregard warning signs of health issues or problems with your children, assuming things will resolve themselves? Describe instances.
- In genuinely dangerous situations, have you been indifferent to the danger or unable to protect yourself due to addiction? Describe.
- Have you ever harmed someone due to your addiction? Describe.
- Do you have temper tantrums or react to feelings in ways that diminish your self-respect or dignity? Describe.
- Did you use drugs or engage in addictive behaviors to alter or suppress your feelings? What were you trying to change or suppress?
Addressing Reservations: Eliminating Relapse Pathways
Reservations are subtle areas within our recovery program that we inadvertently reserve for relapse. They might stem from the illusion of retaining some control, such as believing we can’t control using drugs but can still engage in drug-related activities. Or we might believe we can maintain friendships with past using companions or dealers. We might rationalize that certain program aspects don’t apply to us or believe we will need to use to cope with specific life events, like serious illness or loss. We might think that achieving certain milestones – financial success or a specific duration of sobriety – will grant us control over our use. Reservations are often subconscious, lurking in the background. It’s crucial to identify and dismantle these reservations now.
Reflect on these questions to uncover reservations:
- Have you fully accepted the extent of your disease?
- Do you believe you can still associate with people connected to your addiction? Can you revisit places where you used? Do you think it’s wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around as a “reminder” or test of your recovery? If so, why?
- Is there any event you believe you cannot face sober, something so painful you’ll need to use to cope?
- Do you think that with more clean time or changed circumstances, you could control your use?
- What reservations are you still holding onto?
Embracing Surrender: Moving Beyond Resignation
There’s a profound distinction between resignation and surrender. Resignation is the feeling when we acknowledge addiction but haven’t yet embraced recovery as the solution. Many reach this point before NA, believing addiction is their inescapable fate. Surrender, conversely, occurs when we accept Step One as truth and recovery as the path forward. We reject the life we’ve been living and the way we’ve been feeling.
Consider these questions about surrender:
- What, if anything, are you afraid of regarding surrender? What convinces you that you can no longer use successfully?
- Do you accept that you will never regain control, even after prolonged abstinence?
- Can you begin recovery without complete surrender?
- What would your life be like with complete surrender?
- Can you sustain recovery without complete surrender?
Spiritual Principles in Step One: Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness, Humility, and Acceptance
Step One emphasizes the spiritual principles of honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, humility, and acceptance.
Honesty in Step One begins with admitting the truth about our addiction and extends to daily honesty. Declaring “I’m an addict” in a meeting can be the first truly honest statement in a long time. We begin to be honest with ourselves and, consequently, with others.
Reflect on honesty in your recovery:
- If you’ve considered using or engaging in addictive behaviors, have you shared this with your sponsor or someone else?
- Have you remained connected to the reality of your disease, regardless of your sobriety duration?
- Have you noticed that without the need to conceal addiction, lying becomes less necessary? Do you appreciate this freedom? How have you begun to practice honesty in recovery?
Open-mindedness in Step One involves being receptive to the possibility of a different way of life and being willing to try it. Even without a clear picture of this new path, or if it contrasts with everything you’ve known, maintaining an open mind is crucial. Recovery often presents ideas that may seem unconventional, like “surrender to win” or praying for those we resent. Open-mindedness is demonstrated by considering these ideas without immediate dismissal.
Reflect on open-mindedness in your recovery:
- What have you heard in recovery that you find difficult to believe? Have you sought clarification from your sponsor or the speaker?
- In what ways are you currently practicing open-mindedness?
Willingness in Step One manifests in various ways. Initially, many doubt recovery’s possibility or understanding, yet proceed with Step One anyway – this is an act of willingness. Any action supporting recovery demonstrates willingness: attending meetings early, staying late, helping with setup, obtaining and using phone numbers of other NA members.
Reflect on willingness in your recovery:
- Are you willing to follow your sponsor’s guidance?
- Are you willing to attend meetings regularly?
- Are you willing to give recovery your best effort? In what specific ways?
Humility, central to Step One, is most purely expressed in surrender. Humility is accepting our true selves – neither worse nor better than our using self, simply human.
Reflect on humility in your recovery:
- Do you see yourself as a monster, or as someone whose addiction is insignificant? Or somewhere in between?
- What is your sense of your importance within your family, friend circle, and society?
- How are you practicing humility in your work on Step One?
Acceptance in Step One goes beyond merely admitting addiction. Accepting addiction brings a profound inner shift accompanied by hope and peace. We reconcile with our addiction, recovery, and their significance in our lives. Recovery activities – meetings, sponsorship, step work – transition from burdens to valued routines.
Reflect on acceptance in your recovery:
- Have you made peace with being an addict?
- Have you made peace with the actions necessary to stay clean?
- How is accepting your disease essential for continued recovery?
Moving Forward: Embracing Step Two
As you prepare for Step Two, you might question the thoroughness of your Step One work. Is it truly time to move on? Have you dedicated sufficient time to this step? Do you genuinely understand it?
Many find it beneficial to write about their understanding of each step as they progress.
Reflect on your readiness to move on:
- How do you know it’s time to move to Step Two?
- What is your current understanding of Step One?
- How has your prior knowledge and experience influenced your work on this step?
You’ve arrived at a point where you recognize the consequences of your old life and acknowledge the need for change. While you might not yet fully grasp the richness of recovery, freedom from active addiction is a significant achievement. However, the void once filled by addiction now seeks fulfillment. Working the subsequent steps will address this void. Step Two awaits, the next stage on your recovery journey.
