The phone buzzed, and it was another friend seeking advice – a familiar scenario since I inadvertently became the family’s designated “angel of death,” as my brother jokingly calls it. Having delved into the world of elder care through my blog and book, I’ve somehow morphed into an expert on the broken long-term care system in America, a system riddled with flaws.
My friend’s call mirrored many others: individuals claiming to seek guidance but secretly hoping to be told they don’t need it. They yearn for reassurance that everything is fine, that their parents will remain independent and healthy indefinitely.
If only it were that simple. If only I could paint a picture of their parents effortlessly aging, perhaps playing tennis into their nineties, acing a serve, and then peacefully passing, without any burden or fuss.
My friend’s parents are in a sprawling house, once magnificent but now showing its age, a common fate when homeowners struggle with finances or health. They are resistant to moving, he confided – a typical response. Preparing the house for sale, even with the combined efforts of their adult children, feels like a monumental task. And the current market value isn’t what they had hoped for.
He preemptively acknowledged my likely advice. He had read my work, even agreed with it. Yet, he deflected my directness with nervous chatter. His father, he explained, was repeating questions, losing track of time, and wandering aimlessly. His mother, the primary caregiver, was increasingly stressed, isolated, and overwhelmed. “Health-wise, she’s fine,” he added, “or at least, she has been since returning from the hospital after a minor kitchen mishap with the stove.”
“Setting herself on fire is your definition of fine?” I questioned, unable to mask my disbelief.
Our culture’s deep-seated denial of aging and mortality is so pervasive that individuals can solicit crucial advice yet remain deaf to its message. Many of us are willfully ignorant when it comes to the realities of aging parents. But in this realm, ignorance is far from bliss. What you don’t acknowledge can indeed harm you. The longer you postpone confronting the inevitable – that your parents will age, will eventually pass, and will likely require significant support beforehand – the harder the fall when reality hits, like a ton of bricks, a searing stove, a fractured hip, or any event that signals the start of the caregiving journey.
Therefore, preparation is key, just as it is for any significant life journey. If your parents are currently well, initiate the conversation now – a blend of practicalities and deeper reflections – that will empower you to assist them in a way that respects their wishes while minimizing stress and confusion in your life.
Begin by explaining that while it may seem distant, a time might come when they’ll need your support. To prepare for this, you need to understand their desires and current situation. Do they envision moving to a senior living community? Where are their finances, and what resources are available? What insurance coverage do they have, and who are their doctors? Are essential legal documents – healthcare proxy, power of attorney, will, and living will – in order and accessible? Do they have preferences regarding life-prolonging medical interventions? Because circumstances evolve, this isn’t a one-time talk; make it an annual conversation.
If your parents are already struggling with independent living, approach the conversation with kindness but honesty about your observations and your suggested course of action. It might be time for them to give up driving, consider moving to a more supportive environment, or delegate some daily tasks to family or hired help. Every situation is unique, but the core principle remains constant: proactively address the situation before it escalates into a crisis.
If my tone seems blunt, please understand it stems from witnessing preventable suffering in caregiving situations. No matter how meticulously you prepare, caregiving will be challenging. Expect to feel burnout, emotional and physical exhaustion, anger, and grief. You may question your ability to cope with the demands. The journey’s end – hopefully far in the future – will inevitably be painful.
However, amidst the challenges of guiding your parents through this life stage, you may also discover unexpected moments of joy. If you are fortunate, you’ll even find humor in unexpected places. And as you navigate this path, remember you are not alone. Many have walked this road before you, and countless resources are available to ease your way. Some, like myself, have dedicated their lives to supporting families through this journey.
This journey may be lengthy or brief, demanding or less arduous than anticipated. But when your time comes to embark on it, grant yourself – and your parents – the kindness of facing it with open eyes. Godspeed.
– Jane Gross
Remember, initiating these conversations early and openly is crucial. Don’t wait for a crisis to force your hand. Being proactive can make a significant difference in the quality of life for both your parents and yourself as you navigate this challenging but ultimately meaningful chapter.
Navigating the complexities of elder care can feel overwhelming, but breaking it down into manageable steps makes the process less daunting. Start with open communication, assess your parents’ needs and wishes, and explore available resources. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and preparation is your most valuable tool.
