Paul David Tripp’s What Did You Expect? isn’t just another marriage advice book. It’s a comprehensive exploration of the biblical narrative and its profound implications for understanding ourselves, our relationships, and the transformative power of God’s grace within the context of marriage. This study guide delves into the core themes of the book, offering insights and discussion points for individuals and groups seeking a deeper understanding of Tripp’s perspective.
Paul David Tripp, author of “What Did You Expect?”, emphasizes the role of grace in transforming marital relationships.
Tripp, president of Paul Tripp Ministries, draws upon his extensive experience as a pastor, counselor, and author to present a compelling vision of marriage rooted in the realities of sin and the boundless potential of redemption. His approach is not merely prescriptive; it’s deeply theological, urging readers to see marriage as a reflection of God’s grand story of salvation.
The Biblical Foundation: Sin, Selfishness, and Marriage
The book begins by establishing a crucial foundation: the pervasive influence of sin on the human condition. Tripp argues that sin, at its core, is a form of self-worship. As he states, “Sin turns us in on ourselves…Sin causes us to be way too self-aware and self-important” (47). This inherent selfishness deeply impacts marital relationships.
Sin leads individuals to prioritize their own desires and agendas, viewing their spouse as either a means to an end (“vehicles”) or an obstacle to overcome. This distorted perspective breeds impatience, frustration, and ultimately, a breakdown in true love and connection. The study guide encourages reflection on the following:
- How does self-centeredness manifest in your own relationships?
- Can you identify instances where you’ve viewed your spouse (or others) as a “vehicle” or an “obstacle”?
- How does an inaccurate view of self contribute to conflict in marriage?
Tripp’s unflinching assessment of human depravity is not intended to be discouraging. Instead, it serves as a necessary prelude to the book’s central message: the transformative power of God’s grace.
Grace: The Antidote to Selfishness and the Key to Transformation
Tripp emphasizes that true and lasting change in marriage is not possible through mere willpower or self-improvement. It requires a radical shift in perspective, rooted in the grace of God found in Jesus Christ. “You are not alone in your struggle,” Tripp writes, “The Bible says that God is near…You are not left to your own resources. [God is] with you and is committed to giving you everything you need” (25).
Prayer and reliance on God’s grace are vital for navigating marital challenges and fostering growth.
The resurrection of Jesus Christ is presented as the ultimate evidence of God’s faithfulness and power to transform us. Through Christ’s sacrifice and forgiveness, we are given a new identity as children of God, empowered to overcome the selfish desires that plague our relationships. This section of the study guide prompts discussion on these points:
- How does understanding God’s grace change your approach to marital conflict?
- In what ways can you cultivate a greater awareness of God’s presence and provision in your marriage?
- How does the forgiveness offered through Christ impact your ability to forgive your spouse?
Tripp highlights that God’s grace cultivates the fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control – replacing the selfish agenda that sin creates.
Six Commitments for a Thriving Marriage
Building upon the foundation of sin and grace, Tripp outlines six practical commitments that are essential for a healthy and thriving marriage:
- We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
- We will make growth and change our daily agenda.
- We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.
- We will commit to building a relationship of love.
- We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.
- We will work to protect our marriage.
The study guide encourages a deeper examination of each commitment, prompting reflection on how they can be practically applied within the context of your own marriage.
- Confession and Forgiveness: How can you create a safe space for vulnerability and honesty in your relationship? What steps can you take to extend forgiveness to your spouse, even when it’s difficult?
- Growth and Change: How can you cultivate a mindset of continuous learning and improvement in your marriage? What areas of your relationship need the most attention and growth?
- Trust: What specific actions can you take to build and maintain trust in your marriage? How can you repair trust that has been damaged?
- Love: How can you express love to your spouse in ways that are meaningful to them? How can you prioritize your spouse’s needs and desires above your own?
- Appreciation and Grace: How can you approach disagreements with a spirit of understanding and compassion? How can you celebrate your differences and use them to strengthen your relationship?
- Protecting Your Marriage: What external threats or internal weaknesses could jeopardize your marriage? What steps can you take to safeguard your relationship from harm?
A Pastor’s Perspective: Applying Tripp’s Insights to Ministry
What Did You Expect? provides valuable insights for pastors and ministry leaders seeking to counsel and support married couples. The book’s emphasis on sin and grace offers a framework for addressing the root issues that often underlie marital conflict.
Tripp’s teachings can be applied in premarital counseling, marriage enrichment programs, and individual counseling sessions. Furthermore, the book’s theological depth can inform a pastor’s preaching and teaching on marriage and relationships in general.
The principles in “What Did You Expect?” are beneficial for both married couples and those preparing for marriage.
Conclusion: Hope and Transformation Through Grace
What Did You Expect? is a challenging yet ultimately hopeful book that offers a biblical perspective on marriage. By acknowledging the reality of sin and embracing the transformative power of God’s grace, couples can experience genuine growth, connection, and fulfillment in their relationships. This study guide is designed to facilitate a deeper understanding of Tripp’s teachings and to encourage practical application of these principles in your own life and ministry. The book is a reminder that God’s grace provides hope and real change for any marriage willing to embrace it.
