Building strong relationships with young adult children requires a shift in parenting style. It’s about support, not control. Staying connected means understanding through nonjudgmental listening, asking clarifying questions, and requesting feedback on how you can be a better parent. This is especially important for parents of sons, as societal expectations can often hinder open communication. Understanding “what men want” in this evolving dynamic is key to fostering a healthy, supportive relationship.
I often emphasize the differences between young adults today and previous generations. A helpful guideline is: seek first to understand, then to be understood. This shift can be challenging, as parents are accustomed to directing and teaching. However, with adult children, it’s crucial to slow down, listen, and understand their experiences.
For parents wanting to connect more effectively with their young adult sons, I highly recommend Jeffrey Arnett and Elizabeth Fishel’s book, Getting to 30: A Parent’s Guide to the 20-Something Years. Dr. Arnett’s research on 18-29-year-olds introduced the concept of emerging adulthood, a distinct developmental stage between adolescence and full adulthood. It’s a period of transition, neither fully child nor adult.
This book offers valuable insights into the experiences of young adults and can be incredibly beneficial for parents. It’s based on large-scale surveys and focus groups and approaches the topic with the understanding that parents are trying their best and young adults are navigating a new stage of life. It acknowledges that parents want the best for their children and aim to support them through the challenges of their twenties.
The core principle is that parents love their children, and children love their parents, even when relationships are strained. The goal is for the young adult to be happy, successful, and independent. Research shows that many parents and young adults enjoy each other’s company, challenging the older notion that adolescence is a period of “storm and stress.”
Challenging the Entitlement Narrative
Another common misconception the book addresses is that young adults are entitled or selfish. Instead, the authors argue they are self-focused, which is necessary as they navigate three crucial tasks: identity formation, intimacy, and independence – the three “I’s.” They need to “stand-alone” and face unique challenges during this time of instability and endless possibilities. One example of this instability is the fact that emerging adults change jobs an average of seven times between ages 20 and 29.
Partnering in Career Development
Job and career opportunities present significant opportunities for parents to partner with their young adult sons. Parents can support their sons in pursuing their interests, values, and career goals while encouraging progress toward resolving the three “I’s.”
Key Questions Answered: A Glimpse into the Book
Consider this book if you’re seeking answers to questions like:
- How are today’s emerging adults different from previous generations?
- What challenges do parents face during this stage?
- What are the “ten things better left unsaid,” and when should you hold your tongue?
- How should parents approach technology, video games, and social media with their young adult sons?
- What to do when a young adult moves back home?
- How to navigate money issues, a common source of conflict.
- What role should parents play in their son’s romantic relationships?
- How to help with career challenges and when to step back.
- How to deal with a son’s changing religious beliefs and practices.
- What to do when things go wrong, such as depression, substance abuse, or eating disorders.
Markers of Adulthood: Accepting Responsibility, Making Independent Decisions, and Financial Independence
The authors conclude by identifying the most important markers of adulthood: accepting responsibility, making independent decisions, and becoming financially independent.
Coaching should focus on these indicators, while prioritizing the parent-child relationship. Parents and children are inherently wired to love each other, and when this connection is damaged, suffering is inevitable, regardless of individual success. Understanding “what men want” from their parents during this crucial stage is about support, understanding, and fostering independence.
By adapting your parenting style and focusing on building a strong, supportive relationship, you can help your young adult son navigate the challenges of emerging adulthood and thrive.
