We’ve all been there – hovering, overprotecting, and rushing to our children’s rescue. It comes from a place of love, wanting the best for them. Yet, this well-intentioned behavior, often called overparenting, might actually be hindering their development.
Cindy Webb,
Stressed child with homework, symbolizing the pressures of overparenting and academic anxiety
As Cindy, an admitted overparent, confesses, “I did it all with the best of intentions.” She, along with many others, are part of a generation striving for perfect parenting. According to Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., a renowned clinical psychologist, parenting expert, and author of the bestselling book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, this urge for perfection can lead to overparenting. In today’s competitive world, many parents could benefit from an “overparenting anonymous” approach.
The desire to provide the best for our children, from prenatal care to college choices, is natural. However, the line is crossed when we start micromanaging every aspect of their lives, demanding perfection from both ourselves and them.
Dr. Mogel, a self-proclaimed “recovering overparenter,” assures us, “Your children are likely to succeed in life without perfect childhoods.”
In fact, this pursuit of perfection often manifests as overprotection, overscheduling, and overindulgence. Being overly involved in every emotional and physical nuance, or fixated on what our children must have to succeed, are indicators of what Dr. Mogel terms “good, loving parents gone bad.”
“College deans have coined terms for today’s incoming students,” Dr. Mogel points out. “They refer to them as ‘teacups’ and ‘crispies.’ ‘Teacups’ are those who have been so excessively managed, protected, and supported by their parents that they lack fundamental life skills to navigate life away from home. ‘Crispies,’ on the other hand, are students burnt out from relentless grade chasing and test anxiety. By overparenting – through overprotection and overscheduling – we inadvertently hinder their ability to launch into independent adulthood.”
This brings us to the concept of “teacup parents.” Teacup parents are those who handle their children with such extreme care and caution, as if they are delicate teacups, easily breakable. This parenting style, while stemming from love, can inadvertently weaken a child’s resilience and independence. This guide will help you understand if you might be a teacup parent and provide a recovery plan to foster your child’s growth and self-reliance.
The Overparenting Recovery Plan: A Guide for Teacup Parents
Dr. Mogel’s insightful overparenting recovery plan offers practical steps to shift from overbearing to supportive parenting, helping you raise resilient and independent children.
1. Embrace Your Child’s “Ordinary Glory”: Stop Emphasizing How “Special” They Are
It’s tempting to constantly tell our children how exceptionally special and wonderful they are, believing it boosts their self-esteem. However, Dr. Mogel argues that this constant emphasis can be detrimental.
“If the pressure to constantly be ‘special’ becomes too intense,” she explains, “children can end up struggling with various mental and physical health issues like sleep and eating disorders, chronic stomach problems, hair-pulling, and depression.”
In The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, she shares a poignant quote from a high school student: “My mom and Dad always made me feel like I was the best: the most beautiful, the smartest, the most charming. And mostly I’ve done well in everything. But, now I’m finding out that I’m not that unusual. Maybe I’m just good enough, but I don’t know anymore.”
Instead of focusing on making your child feel “special,” focus on appreciating their unique qualities and efforts, regardless of whether they are extraordinary or simply ordinary. Celebrate their effort, resilience, and kindness. True self-esteem comes from feeling capable and loved for who they are, not for being “special.”
2. Re-establish Respect: Teach Your Children to Respect You
Dr. Mogel poses a thought-provoking question: “Why are we treating our children like handicapped royalty and allowing them to treat us like fascist dictators?”
She highlights a common complaint among parents: children talking back, refusing to take “no” for an answer, not contributing to household chores without constant nagging, and using parents’ belongings without permission. She identifies three types of parents who often face these challenges:
- The Guilty, Overwhelmed Parent: Feels guilty for not spending enough time or giving enough material things and compensates by being overly permissive.
- The “As Long as Your Grades are Good You Can Treat Me Like Dirt” Parent: Prioritizes academic achievement above all else, neglecting to set boundaries for respectful behavior.
- The Hypertuned Parent: Is excessively focused on their children’s feelings and avoids any discomfort or conflict, leading to a lack of discipline.
“Today, more than ever, we sympathetic, fair-minded parents need to consciously establish ourselves as the respected authority in our homes,” Dr. Mogel asserts. “It’s perfectly acceptable to demand respect. And it’s perfectly acceptable to say ‘No.’”
Setting clear boundaries, expecting respectful communication, and consistently enforcing rules are crucial for fostering a healthy parent-child dynamic. Respect is not about fear; it’s about mutual understanding and appreciation for each other’s roles in the family.
3. Resist the Urge to Overprotect: Don’t Overprotect
“For two decades,” Dr. Mogel observes, “I have witnessed well-intentioned, dedicated parents becoming increasingly entangled in their children’s lives. Despite their busy schedules, the child’s problems remain a central focus. When parents constantly rush in to shield their children from every difficulty, children miss the chance to learn that they can endure hardship and recover on their own. Children develop sound judgment by experiencing poor judgment and seeing the consequences,” she emphasizes, adding that parents must learn to tolerate their children’s discomfort and practice self-restraint.
Allowing children to face age-appropriate challenges, experience disappointment, and navigate minor setbacks is essential for building resilience. Overprotection, while intended to prevent pain, ultimately prevents growth. Let your children stumble, make mistakes, and learn to pick themselves up. Your role is to be a supportive guide, not a constant shield.
4. Instill Responsibility: Insist That Your Children Do Chores
“Children deserve more than just our love and devotion,” Dr. Mogel states. “They deserve to be taught how to be self-sufficient and eventually contribute to society.”
She acknowledges that getting children to do chores can be “one of the most exhausting tasks you’ll encounter.” However, she firmly believes, “There is a task. It needs to be done. You delegate, they do. You don’t do everything yourself and then harbor frustration and resentment. They don’t have to enjoy it, and it’s not your responsibility to convince them of the ultimate benefit of helping around the house.”
Assigning chores teaches responsibility, teamwork, and the value of contribution. It helps children understand that they are part of a family unit and have a role to play in maintaining it. Chores don’t have to be elaborate; age-appropriate tasks like tidying up their room, setting the table, or helping with laundry are valuable learning experiences.
5. Cultivate Inner Strength: Introduce Your Child to Spirituality
Dr. Mogel encourages families to explore their spiritual side, regardless of specific religious beliefs.
“Your family might choose a different spiritual path than your ancestors,” she suggests, “but if you want to avoid being consumed by the anxiety, materialism, and competition prevalent in our society, you must choose some path to walk with your children. You must name it, follow it, and plan the curriculum for their spiritual education as thoughtfully and intelligently as you plan their academic education.”
What if you’re not religious or have doubts about faith yourself? “You don’t need to have all the ‘right’ answers to talk to your child about spirituality,” Dr. Mogel reassures. “You can let them know that you are still figuring things out yourself, but you want to continue the conversation throughout your lives together.”
Introducing spirituality, in its broadest sense, can provide children with a sense of purpose, values, and a framework for navigating life’s challenges. This could involve religious practices, mindfulness, spending time in nature, or engaging in activities that foster a sense of connection to something larger than themselves. Spirituality can help children develop inner strength and resilience, offering an alternative to the pressures of materialism and external validation.
Beyond Perfection: Raising Resilient Seeds
Finally, Dr. Mogel reminds us, “Your child is not your masterpiece. If we expect our children to excel at everything, they become demoralized and discouraged.”
She encourages recovering overparents to “think of our children as seeds that came in a packet without a label. We can’t predict when they will bloom or what kind of flower they will become. But we can remove the biggest obstacles, provide nourishment and support, and then step back and admire the unique individual God has entrusted to us.”
Let go of the pressure to create perfect children. Instead, focus on nurturing their growth, fostering their resilience, and celebrating their unique journey. By moving away from teacup parenting and embracing a more balanced approach, you can empower your children to thrive and become independent, capable individuals ready to face the world.
